As Mother Hen yawns on this post-Oscar morning, she is not sure how much is from her late night viewing and how much is from overwhelming boredom. Yesterday’s least exciting Academy Awards in MH’s very long memory was very blah, blah, blah.
What of Mother Hen’s predictions?
For starters, she is thankful for her great foresight in choosing not to pick likely Oscar recipient. A blind, deaf cow with motor-control problems could have picked those winners out of a pen – they were that predictable. How udderly pointless it would have been!
So onwards, dear chicks, with the post-game analysis.
Mostly Likely to Lay an Egg
What did mother tell you? Anne Hathoway’s anti-Hugh Jackson number was so pitifully thin that even Mr. Wolverine himself was struggling to look amused.
Mind you, James Franco was no better. When the highlight of a host’s evening is appearing in drag, you know that the night is a drag as well.
To be fair, the writing was excruciatingly bad. Even Billy Crystal would have been up to his eyeballs in do-do trying to make that lame script funny. With that in mind, let’s skip ahead to the award for
Most Likely to be the Funniest Presenter
To be fair, Mother Hen had no idea that Mr. Crystal would make an appearance in a tribute to Bob Hope, and likely it was a surprise to all of you as well. However, technically he wasn’t a presenter, so MH is still in the clear. Whew!
Didn’t Mother tell you that Robert Downey Jr. would be the funniest? Oh, yes she did, but notice as well that all of her other nominees (Jeff Bridges, Russell Brand)were at least credibly amusing, which is really saying something since the show as a whole was such a frickin’ dud.
Runner-up was Ms. Sandra Bullock, who managed to insult and charm everyone simultaneously. What a great broad!
Most Likely to Look Fabulous, Darling
Mother Hen chose to name Nicole Kidman belle of the ball, and Mrs. Urban did not disappoint, with a classy but edgy sparkly white number. Apparently not everyone agrees with this choice, but this isn’t their blog, now is it?
There is no doubt that Best Actress winner Natalie Portman, another of MH’s nominees, was absolutely stunning in her rich purple sheath, especially considering that she has a bun in the oven!
MH saw no sign of Jennifer Lopez, probably because (oops) this wasn’t the Grammys and J-Lo hasn’t been exactly burning up the box office lately. Her bad!
Neither did Mother H. see any sign of another Jennifer by the surname Aniston, which was surprising, were it not for the fact that her latest projects have “bought the farm,” so to speak. And where on earth (literally) were Angelina Jolie and her main squeeze, Brad Pitt?
Fortunately, Halle Berry showed, so Mother Hen’s choices weren’t all a no-show. Unfortunately, the always gorgeous Ms. Berry chose to wear a skin-toned frock which washed her out. If that weren’t bad enough, somebody rolled her in a swath of tulle and glue! Mother Hen was very, very disappointed. She would have thought Ms. Halle could afford a full-length mirror.
Special mention goes to rising star Mila Kunis appeared in a light lilac confection that was strategically draped to make the most of her um…assets, yet still appeared young and fresh. Bravo!
Most Likely to Look Like the Housecats Dragged Her In
Mother Hen was either disappointed or relieved (she can’t decide) to see no sign of her favorite in this category, Tilda Swinton, nor did she catch sight of Demi Moore, or Sarah Jessica Parker. Seriously, if the Academy doesn’t inform Mother Hen of the guest list next year, she may have to rethink her coverage of the Oscars. That would teach ‘em!
Then, another of MH’s nominees, Helena Bonham Carter, who perennially appears in thrift-store rejects, did show up (gasp, cue drumroll) looking relatively good…for her…if you like your medieval serving wenches in funereal black.
Charlize Theron was more restrained than usual in her choice, so it worked fairly well for her. Although the sunburst swirl is a bit too kitchen-clock kitschy for Mother Hen’s taste, the clean-cut lines are lovely.
Special mention in this category must go to Cate Blanchett, whose bodice was cut out using a dinner plate, and had ugly yellow caterpillars and funny little wingy-thingies over her shoulders, Best Supporting actress Melissa Leo, who bought her dress in Vegas from an Elvis impersonator, and poor Scarlett Johansson, in a two-toned lace tablecloth whose hair lost a battle with an electric beater on the way over. Oh ladies, this is why God created stylists, so you would at least have someone else to blame!
Then there was Florence Welch (60’s high school prom), Michelle Williams (where did her figure go?), Sharon Stone (dead goose draped over shoulder – shame on her!)…so many crimes against fashion and so little space!
Most Likely to Rock the Red Carpet, Old School
Both of Mother Hen’s choices wore grey this year.
The Queen of the Oscars, Meryl Streep disappointed in an ill-fitting number that did nothing for her figure or complexion. It actually added a few years, and likely a few pounds, to the usually youthful-looking star. Sigh!
The crown has to go to another Queen, Helen Mirren who looked elegant in a charcoal silk cut to flatter her waist. In contrast to Ms. Streep, Ms. Mirren looked lighter and younger in her lovely gown.
Oh, and didn’t Mother Hen tell you Annette Bening would have bird’s nest hair? Her dress did her no favors either. Star Trek, anyone?
Now, Mother Hen just wants to finish off with a little advice for those Oscar people, whoever they are. For Heaven’s sake, get on the phone to Robert Downey Jr. and book him as next year’s host! Or Sandra Bullock! Or both! Please, this little old chicken begs you, before it’s too late!