As a public service to women everywhere (Mother Hen likes to aim high), and on the off chance some guys out there will a) read this and b) care, here are fifty things NOT to do if you want to keep a woman around, beginning with the most obvious…
50. Leave the toilet seat up
49. and don’t flush
48. or wash your hands.
47. Fart in bed.
46. Tell her she looks fat but
45. her best friend is hot.
44. Flirt with other women
43. get their phone numbers
42. then leave them in the pocket of your pants
41. which you (for once), throw into the dirty clothes basket.
40. Leave your smelly clothes all over the floor
39. especially your dirty underwear
38. then ask why the laundry isn’t done yet.
37. Ask what in the world she does all day
36. when she is at home doing the previously-mentioned laundry
35. cooking your dinner
34. and raising YOUR kids.
33. Go out with the guys all the time.
32. but complain if she wants a night to herself
31. then call her cell every fifteen minutes or so to check up on her.
3o. Never, and this is important, offer to “help” around the house
29. but when you just can’t avoid it any longer, complain
28. and try to get brownie points.
27. Neglect your personal hygiene.
26. Watch every sport possible on TSN in every spare moment
25. or play video games all day
24. or look at porn constantly. She’ll really love that.
23. Chat with other women online
22. about sex
21. while you…well, you know. Mother Hen is too delicate a lady to go into details.
20. Put down her family
19. refuse to have anything to do with them
18. and do everything you can to keep her away from them, because after all, they are a bad influence
17. just like her friends.
16. Control every dime she spends
15. of her own money
14. or keep her from having any money in the first place, which is obviously simpler.
13. Call her a stupid
11. or worse
10. when the kids can hear you.
9. Drink a lot
8. do drugs
7. gamble away all your money
6. and her money too.
5. Hit her, especially when she gets uppity,
6. in front of the kids.
5. Bad mouth her children
4. threaten them
3. and abuse them.
2. If all else fails, kick her sorry ass out the door, then beg for her to come back
1. yet again.
Silly Mother Hen, acting as if the men of the world need instructions to do these things!