Fifty Ways to Lose Your Lover

  As a public service to women everywhere (Mother Hen likes to aim high), and on the off chance some guys out there will a) read this and b) care, here are fifty things NOT to do if you want to keep a woman around, beginning with the most obvious…

50. Leave the toilet seat up

49. and don’t flush

48. or wash your hands.

47. Fart in bed.

 46. Tell her she looks fat but

45. her best friend is hot.

 44. Flirt with other women

 43. get their phone numbers

42. then leave them in the pocket of your pants

 41. which you (for once), throw into the dirty clothes basket.

40. Leave your smelly clothes all over the floor

39. especially your dirty underwear

38. then ask why the laundry isn’t done yet.

37. Ask what in the world she does all day

36. when she is at home doing the previously-mentioned laundry

35. cooking your dinner

34. and raising YOUR kids.

33. Go out with the guys all the time.

32. but complain if she wants a night to herself

31. then call her cell every fifteen minutes or so to check up on her.

3o. Never, and this is important, offer to “help” around the house

29. but when you just can’t avoid it any longer, complain

28. and try to get brownie points.

 27. Neglect your personal hygiene.

 26. Watch every sport possible on TSN in every spare moment

25. or play video games all day

24. or look at porn constantly. She’ll really love that.

23. Chat with other women online

22. about sex

21. while you…well, you know. Mother Hen is too delicate a lady to go into details.

20. Put down her family

19. refuse to have anything to do with them

18. and do everything you can to keep her away from them, because after all, they are a bad influence

17. just like her friends.

16. Control every dime she spends

15. of her own money

14. or keep her from having any money in the first place, which is obviously simpler.

13. Call her a stupid

 12. bitch

11. or worse

10. when the kids can hear you.

 9. Drink a lot

 8. do drugs

7. gamble away all your money

6. and her money too.

5. Hit her, especially when she gets uppity,

6. in front of the kids.

 5. Bad mouth her children

4. threaten them

3. and abuse them.

 2. If all else fails, kick her sorry ass out the door, then beg for her to come back

1. yet again.

Silly Mother Hen, acting as if the men of the world need instructions to do these things!

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2 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by Leslie on June 17, 2010 at 6:28 pm

    Haha! It would be funnier though if it weren’t so truthful!

    Reply

    • Dear Leslie,
      Mother Hen is confident that it couldn’t possibly be much funnier or she would have thought of it!
      That being said, is there anything funnier than the truth? Mother would venture to say, “Not at all!”
      What do Mr. Leno and Mr. Letterman and Mr. Kimmel and all those other insomniac comedians rely on for their material? Reality, of course!
      After all, could anything be funnier than a president who doesn’t know the definition of sex, or a vice-presidential candidate who writes cheat notes on her hand, or a dog that says “Mama” on YouTube? Apparently not!
      However, given your initial “Haha!” Mother Hen is willing to accept your comment as being a compliment of the highest order, since laughter is the highest form of praise (not imitation, like some wannabe celebrities would have you believe!*).
      *See the blog “Mother Hen Goes Gaga!” for details!
      Your friend and literary idol,
      Mother Hen

      Reply

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