Mother H. knows you are all fed up to your wattles with every Tom, Dick and Henrietta projecting who will win an Oscar, not to mention declaring who should win. Heaven knows Mother Hen has had her fill.
Rest easy then, dear chicks, that your Mama Hen will not be bothered with such trivial matters. No, she is getting right to the important stuff inquiring chickens want to know.
Most likely to lay an egg
Anne Hathaway, no contest
For anyone who has been under a rock digging for grubs, Ms. Hathaway is an Oscar co-host. This is what she had to say this week about the scintillating performance we should expect.
I think that humor is really difficult to pull off, and I’m not particularly
adept at it. I wouldn’t feel comfortable doing it. Also, I don’t mean to
sound overly serious, but I am the youngest host in history and I have
no business being cynical or calling anyone out. I certainly haven’t
earned the right to do that.
Isn’t she sweet? Aren’t you so ready for her to flop like a hound dog after a fox hunt? The only question that remains is, how many eggs and how big.
Most likely to look fabulous, darling.
It’s a tough race that could go to a number of worthy candidates.
Angelina Jolie, for making it look like she isn’t trying
Jennifer Lopez, for best booty on an actress/singer/TV host
Jennifer Aniston, for legs that go up to there and the tendency to show them off
Nicole Kidman, for consistency, consistency, consistency
Natalie Portman, for best preggers outfit
Halle Berry, for how in the heck can she go wrong looking like that?
And the award goes to: Nicole Kidman, because she hasn’t failed us yet
Most Likely to Look Like the Housecats Dragged Her In
Again, a tough category, mostly because it depends on which flakes actually got invited.
Demi Moore, for taking the least advantage of her advantages.
Charlize Theron, for too much of a good thing is a bad thing, dear
Helena Bonham Carter, for best “Night of the Living Dead”
Sarah Jessica Parker, for least flattering fashionista
Tilda Swinton, for looking like a guy in drag
Of course, all bets are off if Lady Gaga shows up for some reason. Just give her the award, already!
Otherwise, the award goes to: Tilda Swinton, for never under any circumstances wearing make-up, and looking completely unfeminine
Most Likely to Rock the Red Carpet, Old School
Helen Mirren, for beating back the crappy reputation of Brits in fashion
Meryl Streep, for being Meryl Streep
NOT Annette Bening because no matter what that woman wears, her hair will still look like a bird’s nest (and Mother Hen should know!).
And the award goes to: Both Ms. Mirren and Ms. Streep, because Mother Hen just can’t peck one
Most Likely to be the Funniest Presenter
Robert Downey Jr., because dang Mother Hen wishes he was hosting
Sandra Bullock, for her willingness to do almost anything for a laugh (even marry Jesse James)
Jeff Bridges, for his aw, shucks, I’m just happy to be here attitude
Tom Hanks, for being funny and classy at the same time, which is a tough gig
Russell Brand, for looking funny and being almost as outrageous as Ricky Gervais
And the award goes to: Robert Downey Jr., for his hilarious comments at the Golden Globes
On a sad note, Mother Hen is devastated that her invitation didn’t arrive again this year. She suspects the housecats, who like to shred things, but Buster the hound is not beyond suspicion either. He can slobber anything into a gooey mess in 10 seconds flat.
Enjoy the show, my dear little chiclets! Afterwards, Mother Hen would love to hear which humans, in your opinions, deserve her awards.