Mother Hen’s Eggstraordinary Oscar Pecks

Mother H. knows you are all fed up to your wattles with every Tom, Dick and Henrietta projecting who will win an Oscar, not to mention declaring who should win. Heaven knows Mother Hen has had her fill.

Rest easy then, dear chicks, that your Mama Hen will not be bothered with such trivial matters. No, she is getting right to the important stuff inquiring chickens want to know.

Most likely to lay an egg

Anne Hathaway, no contest

For anyone who has been under a rock digging for grubs, Ms. Hathaway is an Oscar co-host. This is what she had to say this week about the scintillating performance we should expect.

          I think that humor is really difficult to pull off, and I’m not particularly

          adept at it. I wouldn’t feel comfortable doing it. Also, I don’t mean to

          sound overly serious, but I am the youngest host in history and I have

          no business being cynical or calling anyone out. I certainly haven’t

          earned the right to do that.

Isn’t she sweet? Aren’t you so ready for her to flop like a hound dog after a fox hunt? The only question that remains is, how many eggs and how big.

Most likely to look fabulous, darling.

It’s a tough race that could go to a number of worthy candidates.

Nominees:

Angelina Jolie, for making it look like she isn’t trying

Jennifer Lopez, for best booty on an actress/singer/TV host

Jennifer Aniston, for legs that go up to there and the tendency to show them off

Nicole Kidman, for consistency, consistency, consistency

Natalie Portman, for best preggers outfit

Halle Berry, for how in the heck can she go wrong looking like that?

And the award goes to:  Nicole Kidman, because she hasn’t failed us yet

Most Likely to Look Like the Housecats Dragged Her In

Again, a tough category, mostly because it depends on which flakes actually got invited.

Nominees:

                Demi Moore, for taking the least advantage of her advantages.

                Charlize Theron, for too much of a good thing is a bad thing, dear

                Helena Bonham Carter, for best “Night of the Living Dead”

                Sarah Jessica Parker, for least flattering fashionista

                Tilda Swinton, for looking like a guy in drag

Of course, all bets are off if Lady Gaga shows up for some reason. Just give her the award, already!

Otherwise, the award goes to: Tilda Swinton, for never under any circumstances wearing make-up, and looking completely unfeminine

Most Likely to Rock the Red Carpet, Old School

Nominees:

Helen Mirren, for beating back the crappy reputation of Brits in fashion

Meryl Streep, for being Meryl Streep

NOT Annette Bening because no matter what that woman wears, her hair will still look like a bird’s nest (and Mother Hen should know!).

And the award goes to: Both Ms. Mirren and Ms. Streep, because Mother Hen just can’t peck one

Most Likely to be the Funniest Presenter

Nominees:

Robert Downey Jr., because dang Mother Hen wishes he was hosting

Sandra Bullock, for her willingness to do almost anything for a laugh (even marry Jesse James)

Jeff Bridges, for his aw, shucks, I’m just happy to be here attitude

Tom Hanks, for being funny and classy at the same time, which is a tough gig

Russell Brand, for looking funny and being almost as outrageous as Ricky Gervais

And the award goes to: Robert Downey Jr., for his hilarious comments at the Golden Globes

On a sad note, Mother Hen is devastated that her invitation didn’t arrive again this year. She suspects the housecats, who like to shred things, but Buster the hound is not beyond suspicion either. He can slobber anything into a gooey mess in 10 seconds flat.

Enjoy the show, my dear little chiclets! Afterwards, Mother Hen would love to hear which humans, in your opinions, deserve her awards.

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2 responses to this post.

  1. I do love me some Oscar dish, MH. And you did NOT disappoint!

    And yes, I’m invariably disappointed in Ms. Parker.

    In my book, “glam” and “quirky” do not live on the same page.

    Reply

  2. Mother Hen would never want to let you down, Ms. Lori!
    Since Sex in the City (which MH most definitely never watched)set up SJP as a fashion diva, which she definitely isn’t, disappointment in Ms. Parker’s get-ups seems inevitable.
    MH was sorely tempted to give the Housecats award to Ms. Bonham-Carter, whose eccentric ensembles never fail to elicit guffahs at the Coop, but compared to Ms. Swinton’s lack of effort, HBC is at least interesting!
    MH

    Reply

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