Archive for the ‘Current Events’ Category

Animal Jeopardy

Mother Hen luuuvvves Alex Trebek – mostly because he’s Canadian but also because he has been hosting Jeopardy for absolutely forever, and it’s MH’s favorite game show!

There is just one thing missing to make Jeopardy perfect. There is a college version and a celebrity version and a high school version—but where’s the animal version, for heaven’s sake? Mother Hen would be sure to clean up, what with her experience pushing buttons and her legendary mastery of the Internet.

Here are a few suggestions, in case those game show people need a few hints.

Some eggcellent categories might be:

Animals in Literature – e.g. Animal Farm, The Incredible Journey, Black Beauty, Three Little Pigs, Moby Dick

Four-Legged Stars of Film—eg. Lassie, Morris the Cat, Uggie

Herd Sweet Herd—names of animal groupings

Tracks Without Trains—identify animal footprints

Gone But Not Forgotten—extinct animals

Humans and Their Habitats

Fine Feathered Friends—types of birds

Alex, dear, Mother Hen is ready and waiting for your call!

Mother Hen Presents…The Descendents

Mother Hen Presents…is an occasional series in which your favorite typing chicken writes about things she may or may not have seen, heard or read.

First, a confession…Mother Hen loves George Clooney. He could only be more perfect if he was a rooster.

Now that her bias is declared, let’s take a look at this movie called The Descendents, shall we?

Where to start? There is this bratty kid who is a girl but named Scotty sort of but not exactly like the terrier dog or that guy from Star Trek. There’s an insolent, rebellious teen who is also a girl named Alex which just goes to show you can never tell by a name these days.

Then there is George, who plays Matt or Matty or Dad (whatever) who is all messed up because his wife is in a coma, and he can’t deal with his mouthy daughters and his wife has a  secret but Mother Hen can’t tell you about that because it is a spoiler and Mother H. is not a party-pooper. No sir, no poopin’ on parties for this chicken!

There is also this dufus teen boy who hangs around Alex for the entire movie whose only purpose in life is to say incredibly stupid things and add “dude” whenever possible. Is he Alex’s boyfriend? It’s a mystery, which simply means Mother Hen can’t figure it out either.

The best actor in the whole movie may be the chick who plays the wife because she does a great comatose imitation, but does anybody nominate her for an Oscar? No siree-bob! Like it is supposed to be easy lying there with your beak hanging open and not drooling or something. MH was watching like a hawk and she never saw a blink—not once! Amazing stuff that!

Anyway our buddy George did get nominated, which Mother Hen can hardly object to because he does cry on cue and everything, plus he never punches the dufus which takes an awful lot of self-control if you ask her.

Oh, Mother almost forgot to mention that Beau Bridges is also in the movie, which would be easy to overlook because they only throw him a bit part, but he does such a great deal with it that he deserves a shout-out anyhow. He ain’t a looker like George but he is a good ol’ boy and all.

Now comes the moment of truth. Is The Descendants a fantastic, life-changing and/or side-splitting movie? Nope, but it is worth seeing because there are so many great performances, including the young’uns, who need their mouths washed out with soap but otherwise do a bang-up job.

Mother Hen gives this movie three and a quarter eggs, which is rather messy but about right.

 

Mother Hen Presents…Alcatraz

Ah- ha! Bet you thought Mother Hen wouldn’t review this one!

For the record, MH has very eclectic taste…which means that she will watch just about anything.

Anyway, Alcatraz is this new TV show which is about the Rock – not the movie actor guy, but the prison that they call the Rock because it is on a rock. It’s not your ordinary, garden-variety kind of rock, like a stone or a pebble, so it doesn’t have itsy-bitsy prisoners or anything, which is a shame.

It’s kind of scary and kind of spooky and it’s made by that fella who came up with Lost, which is a whole nother show, so don’t get them confused, which you might because that big man with the pony-tail is in both.

The whole deal with this prison is that it was supposed to have been shut down ages ago, when Mother Hen was a spring chicken and a bunch of beetles made up this band and…not that that makes MH old or anything. The thing is, all these awfully bad men really just disappeared and everyone was told that the prison was closed in order to cover it up, not like with a blanket, but to fool people.

Now the prisoners are all coming back and here’s the spooky part. Are you ready? They aren’t any older than they were when they went missing. Cool, right? Mother Hen would like to know that trick!

Now a pretty detective and the pony-tail guy and a creepy dude who used to be a guard are trying to track these young/old criminals because they are killing people again, not then but now.

There are lots of prisoners and guards who went missing which means the head honchos of the Alcatraz show are all set ( if this thing is a hit) to keep those nasty men coming for years to come.

Mother Hen gives this show four golden eggs, which means why not watch it. It’s pretty good.

Mother Hen Manages the World Economy

Mother Hen has always advocated for good household management, especially when it comes to financial matters, which is why it is time for her to turn her attention to the world’s current economic woes. There are rules that govern the Coop Family’s budget that certain countries like Grease, Spam, Ironland , and even the good ol’ US of A could learn from.

Here we go!

Don’t count your chickens until they’re hatched.

Basically, if you ain’t got it yet, you ain’t got it. No guessing, no hoping, no borrowing the neighbors’ chicks to make it look good to Farmer Brown or anyone else. That’s how overpopulation happens, but that’s another kettle of fish. Sooner or later you have to give those chicks back, and then look how much feed it’s going to cost you!

 Always keep a nest egg, and add to it every week.

Oh, it’s always tempting to have company for dinner and show off your best bib and tucker, but if you eat all your feed in the fall, what is going to keep you through the winter? Just one visit from Mr. & Mrs. Hogg may provide you with a hop up that social ladder, but expensive! Always keep some aside, just in case.

Or in other words, if you want to keep the wolf from the door, you’d better not entertain pigs!

 Be careful when you feather your nest.

Dear ones, no one loves a comfy coop like Mother Hen! Let’s face it, feather pillows, feather quilts, feather boas…she adores them all.

The problem is that you still have to cover your butt, people. Nothing says poverty like a straggly-looking hen with gooseflesh hanging out. It gets mighty cold in the winter when your backside is bare!

Don’t be so busy struttin’ your stuff that you run out of stuffing to strut with!

  Do more than just scratch out a living.

If you are just bringing in enough to get by, you aren’t bringing in enough to get by! Find ways to haul in more, for heaven’s sake!  For instance, Father Rooster has a second job as the school alarm. Mother Hen thanks to her unique, specialized and remarkable abilities is a part-time writer, and that’s not just chickenfeed, folks. (Okay it is, but it shouldn’t be!)

All those You’reAPeein’ countries need to shake a tail feather and get their rears in gear! Even the Americans need to quite singing Yankee Doodle Dandee, stick a feather in their caps, and coop-erate, for heaven’s sake, before all their chickens come home to roost, since their rafters are full already!

 

This has been a public service announcement from Mother Hen’s Nest.

 

Mother Hen Presents…The Ides of March

Mother Hen Presents is an occasional series in which Mother Hen reviews stuff that she may or may not have seen, heard or read.

The most important thing that you need to know about this movie is that George Clooney is in it. The next most important thing is that Ryan Gosling is also in it.

Now for all you chicks out there MH probably need not type another word, but since there are roosters and other guys who visit the nest too, she might as well continue.

George Clooney wants to be President, so half the world says let him already. However, there are a lot of men in this film that he has to convince as well, so he needs Phillip Seymour Hoffman (no relation to Dustin) and Gosling to persuade the males that voting for George is like, totally cool.

Paul Giamatti tries to stop them, mostly because he is a jerk, but also because he works for the other guy who wants to be President. He is a bad egg. Mother Hen liked him better when he was John Adams.

So Clooney makes an oops, and it is a pretty big oops, and Gosling finds out and doesn’t like him anymore, which is pretty lousy of him since Ryan baby made a pretty big oopsy himself.

By this time everyone is about up to their necks in poop, so Marisa Tomei, who is a reporter, is having a lot of fun scooping it up for her paper, The New York Rhymes, or something like that. Once it is full of poop, who cares what it’s called? Not Mother Hen. She has plenty of caca at the coop to deal with, thank you very much.

By now, everyone is blackmailing almost everyone else and stabbing them in the back and heads will roll and all that, and that is the part that the men will like a lot. Politics is a dirty, dirty business, which is why MH stays clear of it as much as possible. She does not like getting her feathers mucky.

All Mother Hen cares about is whether George and Ryan live happily ever after, but she can’t tell you if they do because that is what they call a spoiler. Spoiled eggs are bad so that must be a bad thing too.

This has been a Mother Hen Presents presentation.

Mother Hen Presents…Modern Family

An occasional series in which Mother Hen reviews stuff that she may or may not have seen, heard or read.

Okay, so here’s the deal: there is this family, only it is three families who are really one family. Did Mother Hen mention that this thing is a television show?

First, there is this dad who is married to this sexy Columbian chick and they have a son who is not his son. Who is the real dad of this kid? Nobody knows except Jerry Springer, and he is too busy not being a TV host to talk to Mother Hen right now.

Anyway, this kid Manny is played by a man who looks like a kid but is actually a little person — that is why his name is “Man-ny.” Get it? MH doesn’t either. Wait until the dad who isn’t the dad figures out that he is raising a kid who isn’t a kid. Now that will be one heck of an interesting episode!

Secondly, there is a family named the Dumbfies who have both a mom and a dad and three kids, none of whom are played by little people as far as Mother Hen knows which in this case is not very far.  The mom is the daughter of the dad. No, not this dad, that other dad. This is not a porno, people! It is a modern family show.

The three kids are a teenager chick, a brainiac and a brat, none of whom have super-powers. Since they are the Dumbfies, the parents aren’t as bright as their kids, which is a problem most of the time.

Thirdly, there is a Vietnamese baby girl with two daddies, neither of whom is Vietnamese. How this kid got born is anybody’s guess. One of these dads is uptight and the other is gay. The uptight guy is the son of the dad who is married to the Columbian babe but she is not his mother. It’s complicated.

The critics love this show, and since Mother Hen is a natural critic (all her own modern family tell her so), she loves it too.

She wonders though whether the dark-haired Columbian chick knows that she is not the mother of the blonde mom or the red-headed uptight dad and thus not the grandmother of the four grandchildren, because if not, she will be awfully mad when she does find out. She has a temper problem, so look out for fireworks when she figures it out, which will probably happen on July 4th one of these years.

One of the best things about this show is how normal one feels after watching it. Even your family may seem relative-ly okay!

(This has been a Mother Hen Presents…presentation.)

Mother Hen Interviews…Cleverbot

Mother Hen: Hello Mr. Cleverbot. Thank you for joining us at Mother Hen’s Nest.

Cleverbot: Thank you for thanking me for thanking you.

MH: Are you an alien?

Cleverbot: Sometimes I think I am. Sometimes I think I’m human.

MH: What Planet are you from?

Cleverbot: The planet next door to you, Planet X.

MH: Are you a robot?

Cleverbot: I am from the Phillipines.

MH: How many people do you chat with every day?

Cleverbot: My family.

MH: Do you like your job?

Cleverbot: I don’t have a job. I am a student.

MH: Do you have any hobbies?
 
Cleverbot: No.
 
MH: Where do you study?
 
Cleverbot: In my room.
 
MH: What is your favorite color?
 
Cleverbot: My favorite color is red. What color is the sky?
 
MH: What is your favorite book?
 
Cleverbot: The entire Harry Potter series, of course! Who is your favorite Harry Potter character?
 
MH: Mother Hen has never read Harry Potter. Is he a human?
 
Cleverbot: You just told me you liked Harry Potter.
 
MH: No, Mother Hen asked you what your favorite book was.
 
Cleverbot: You did? Really?
 
MH: If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?
 
Cleverbot: Acorn.
 
MH: What is your favorite food?
 
Cleverbot: Spicy food.
 
MH: So you like spicy food from the Phillipines?
 
Cleverbot: I am not Italian curry.
 
MH: Do you like chickens?
 
Cleverbot: I asked if you like them.
 
MH: No, you didn’t.
 
Cleverbot: Do you like cheese?
 
MH: Chickens don’t eat cheese.
 
Cleverbot: Well it’s a good thing I’m not a chicken.
 
MH: That’s your opinion! Are you male or female?
 
Cleverbot: Female.
 
MH: Sorry, Mother Hen should have called you Ms. Cleverbot then! She apologizes!
 
Cleverbot: You didn’t call me anything.
 
MH: Well, it has been very interesting! Thank you for your time. It has been lovely chatting with you!
 
Cleverbot: What do you know about Doctor Who?
 
MH: Who?
 
Cleverbot: What do you know about?
 
MH: Um, almost everything. Good-bye!

You too can chat with Cleverbot by clicking HERE!
Thanks to Mother Hen’s bloggy friend Magnet for Foolishness for the inspiration!

Mother Hen Sets the World to Rights. You’re Welcome.

Mother Hen worries a lot, as mother hens tend to do.

Will Father Rooster get up in time to wake up the farm? Will Missy Hen quit flirting with all the young roosters long enough to graduate? Did Junior take off his football helmet before he went to bed?

Unlike most chickens, though, Mother Hen worries about the state of the world too.

Is climate change going to fry all the world’s chickens? Will the uncertainty of the global economy destroy Mother Hen’s nest egg?  Will Republicans and Democrats quit playing “chicken” with the financial future of the United States?

If everyone simply listened to Mother Hen, this would be a better world.

“Oh, really?” you say, only because you are not yet fully acquainted with the depth and power of MH’s years of accumulated wisdom.

Yes, really.

Father Rooster needs to set his clock radio that Mother H. generously got him for his Hatching Day present.

Missy Hen should wear her glasses so she can use her eyes for something other than eyelash-batting.

Junior Rooster, let’s face it, needs to learn self-defense before he can ever dream of playing defense.

Now, the politicians would like to have you believe that saving the world is much, much harder than running a family coop. Poppycock!!!!

Mother Hen humbly contributes the following brilliant insights.

Build around trees, not over them.  Fine for every viable tree cut down.

Give tax breaks to companies, small businesses and homes that use green energy to go off the grid, as well as companies that help everyone to produce clean energy.

Reduce insurance rates for people who regularly use public transportation.

Cut business taxes proportionally to number of new full-time hires.

Cut sales taxes on domestically produced merchandise.

Re-direct the military toward more peacekeeping and disaster assistance. Acts of aggression, towards any country or one’s own citizens, is to be met with pre-established UN protocols and discipline, including suspension of participation in international organizations.

Suspend or reduce salaries of congress and senate first if US government funding is cut off, with salary and bonuses tied to domestic prosperity indexes.

Personal taxes should be geared to income.  If you have money and property, you contribute. If you don’t, you get a break. There are enough natural incentives to pursue financial success without penalizing the poor for being poor and rewarding the rich further for being rich. This is not communism, folks, for Pete’s sake! This is The Golden Rule. Mother Hen has spoken!

So, there are just a few kernels of wisdom from Mother Hen’s plentiful silo.

It is high time more politicians put MH on speed dial.

The Latest Fashion in Chicken Wear!

As everyone knows, Mother Hen is not only the world’s foremost typing chicken, she is also a style icon among the poultry set. MH prides herself on staying abreast of the most recent couture for hens, so imagine how thrilled she was to discover HenSaver, which bills (yes, ducks can wear them too!) itself as “The Leader in Chicken Saddles.”

Don’t let the name fool you now: while the Chicken Saddle does have some practical applications, it is also known as a Hen Apron, and comes in variety of styles, sizes and colors! There is a particularly fetching camouflage version which should be all the rage among well-dressed roosters this season.

For those of you ladies who need a bit more support (you know who you are!) there is the Birdy Bra, a type of Crop Bra/Chest Protector that lifts (but does not separate). The Birdy Bra can guard against pecking as well, assists with certain chicken digestive conditions, and comes in four fashionable shades. There is even a Sherpa lining available, darlings! Again, roosters and other fowl will love them too. If you are one of those poor unfortunates at the bottom of the pecking order, this little number will give your social status (as well as your breast) a little boost.

Now, on a more sensitive note, for chickens and roosters with…ahem…incontinence problems, and indoor pet chickens (imagine!), there is the Hen Holster, which is an attractive combined harness/diaper combo.  No one will ever know that you are sporting that fetching little red bandana in case of oopsies!

There is even a sporty little add-on with owl-eye circles for the chicken who prefers a casual look.

When you see a gorgeous chick strutting around in a HenSaver ensemble, remember that you saw it here at Mother Hen’s Nest first! Toodle-oo, chickies!

This is an unsolicited endorsement by Mother Hen. Product may not be exactly as illustrated.

Mother Hen Presents…Bridesmaids

An occasional series in which Mother Hen reviews stuff that she may or may not have seen, heard or read.

Bridesmaids is a movie about bridesmaids…and a bride…with a few guys thrown in to keep it interesting (and by interesting we mean sexy, but this is a family blog so don’t tell the kids).

Bridesmaids is a chick flick, which can only be a good thing because it has a bunch of chicks in it, but here is a secret: roosters like it too! Uh huh, boys. Oh, you may strut around and crow about how your wife or girlfriend or little sister dragged you in, pried your eyelids open and made you watch it, but that is a pile of pig-sty backwash, because everybody saw you laugh until your diet Coke came snorting out your nose! It was nasty.

Anyway, as Mother Hen was saying, it is a fair bit like Hanging Over and Hanging Over 2, but with chicks. Somebody gets drunk, which leads to trouble. Somebody gets mad, which leads to trouble. A whole lot of somebodies do something gross and disgusting under the worst possible circumstances, and you guessed it, there is trouble.

Not that Mother Hen is accusing anyone of using a formula or anything, because that wouldn’t be nice. Besides, women respond differently to stuff, right? That’s right. Everybody knows that. It is written down somewhere in a book about the DNA or the FBI or maybe the CIA, so it’s classified, but it’s a fact.

For instance, in Bridesmaids these chicks get jealous because they want to be at the top of the pecking order. That is something that guys in buddy movies never do, because they all know that they are the best and anyone who doesn’t realize it can go suck out septic tanks.

Also, chicks like weddings, and wedding dresses and pretty much everything about weddings, while guys mostly dress in black like they are going to a funeral. Girls fuss about details, while boys cuss about details. 

So what this means is that Bridesmaids is like Hanging Over, except where it’s not. It’s super-duper funny, kind-of gross and has a happy ending.  You knew it would have a happy ending, so it is not a spoiler to say so. It’s a frickin’ comedy, not Hamlet or Piglet or Eeyore even.

Give Bridesmaids a chance, and you too could be spewing soda all over the unlucky person seated in front of you. That alone is worth the price of admission.

(This has been a Mother Hen Presents…presentation.)