Archive for the ‘Politics’ Category

Mother Hen Sets the World to Rights. You’re Welcome.

Mother Hen worries a lot, as mother hens tend to do.

Will Father Rooster get up in time to wake up the farm? Will Missy Hen quit flirting with all the young roosters long enough to graduate? Did Junior take off his football helmet before he went to bed?

Unlike most chickens, though, Mother Hen worries about the state of the world too.

Is climate change going to fry all the world’s chickens? Will the uncertainty of the global economy destroy Mother Hen’s nest egg?  Will Republicans and Democrats quit playing “chicken” with the financial future of the United States?

If everyone simply listened to Mother Hen, this would be a better world.

“Oh, really?” you say, only because you are not yet fully acquainted with the depth and power of MH’s years of accumulated wisdom.

Yes, really.

Father Rooster needs to set his clock radio that Mother H. generously got him for his Hatching Day present.

Missy Hen should wear her glasses so she can use her eyes for something other than eyelash-batting.

Junior Rooster, let’s face it, needs to learn self-defense before he can ever dream of playing defense.

Now, the politicians would like to have you believe that saving the world is much, much harder than running a family coop. Poppycock!!!!

Mother Hen humbly contributes the following brilliant insights.

Build around trees, not over them.  Fine for every viable tree cut down.

Give tax breaks to companies, small businesses and homes that use green energy to go off the grid, as well as companies that help everyone to produce clean energy.

Reduce insurance rates for people who regularly use public transportation.

Cut business taxes proportionally to number of new full-time hires.

Cut sales taxes on domestically produced merchandise.

Re-direct the military toward more peacekeeping and disaster assistance. Acts of aggression, towards any country or one’s own citizens, is to be met with pre-established UN protocols and discipline, including suspension of participation in international organizations.

Suspend or reduce salaries of congress and senate first if US government funding is cut off, with salary and bonuses tied to domestic prosperity indexes.

Personal taxes should be geared to income.  If you have money and property, you contribute. If you don’t, you get a break. There are enough natural incentives to pursue financial success without penalizing the poor for being poor and rewarding the rich further for being rich. This is not communism, folks, for Pete’s sake! This is The Golden Rule. Mother Hen has spoken!

So, there are just a few kernels of wisdom from Mother Hen’s plentiful silo.

It is high time more politicians put MH on speed dial.

Mother Hen, the Telephone and Mr. Trump

Hello? Mr. Trump sir? Is that you? Mr. Donald Trump, The Apprentice guy?

Yes, it is a great honor. Yes, I understand that you are an extremely busy man.

No, I don’t know Big Bird personally. Do you?  Of course you do…certainly, everyone knows that you know everyone.  Fascinating.

Mother Hen did love your Saturday Night Live appearance in a chicken suit. Very natural. You’re welcome.

Yes, she used to follow The Apprentice avidly. Before, when the candidates really won something. Sure, of course celebrities are much more entertaining. No doubt.

Mr. Trump, Mother Hen called to ask you the question the whole world wants answered.

Oh, were you thinking of running? Well, that should scare a few people!

Democrats? Yes, of course, totally. It should frighten them too.

Actually the question Mother Hen wanted to ask was…

Mr. Obama’s birth certificate? Weren’t you proven wrong about that?

A great victory. Really. When can we expect to see your birth certificate, sir?

No, true, it’s not that there is any suspicion. Your father was born in Germany though?

Just checking.  No, not that there is anything wrong with that. Not at all.

And your marks, sir? Isn’t it true that you were sent off to military school because you got in trouble in the private prep school you attended?

Youthful hijinks. Not relevant. Got that.

Actually, there was one more question. The original one, in fact.  

Get to the point? Right away. Absolutely.

Mr. Trump, are you prepared to provide written documentation that your hair is real?

Mother Hen thought that you would welcome the opportunity to set the record straight.

Sir, you can’t fire someone who has never worked for you.

At this point the phone line inexplicably went dead.

Mother Hen, the Telephone and President Obama

Hello? President Mr. Obama sir?

You are the President Mr. Obama? The guy in the White House? Oh, good!

Mother Hen here — you know, the world’s foremost typing chicken?

Really? Well, MH is a fan of yours as well. You are her favorite current American president by far.

You are very welcome, sir, but let’s get down to business, shall we?

As you know, Mother Hen is a proud citizen of Canada. No, north. Further north. That’s right.

We are having a wee problem with your guns coming over our border. No, sir, not your guns personally. Your country’s guns.

No, not the big ones…that would be Iraq. The smaller ones – mostly handguns, in fact.

Yes, yes, MH has heard about the pot problem. She is very sorry about that. Canada exports many agricultural products, but marijuana should not be one of them. She totally agrees with you there. It is supposed to be really good stuff though, right?

No, no, of course you wouldn’t…not at all. Anyway, we all know a little weed never killed anybody. Not right away,

That’s right, it takes time or a motor vehicle, whichever comes first. Gotcha on that! However, illegal guns do have a nasty habit of taking people out, unfortunately, in rather an abrupt manner. And messy. Very, very, messy!

Actually, it is a big problem. About two-thirds of the illegal guns seized by police in Toronto have come over the border from your country.[i]

Toronto. Big city. On Lake Ontario. CN Tower? Yes sir, that one. Um-hmm.

Well, no, our violent gun crime isn’t as bad as yours. Yet.

Only about one an hour.[ii] But then we have a lot fewer people to get shot, you see.

Or to do the shooting, that’s true. Yes, we’ve heard that slogan up here too – “Guns don’t kill people. People kill people.” It’s very catchy. You didn’t come up with that yourself, did…

No. Mother Hen didn’t think so. Anyway, the guns do make it easier, now don’t they?

Well, the point is…do you think that you could do something about that? Turn off the tap somehow, as it were?

Oh, you and Prime Minister Harper talked about that. Recently. At that little meeting you had? Wonderful! Mother Hen is so relieved to hear that!

And you are going to talk about it again soon. Maybe over lunch.

Yes, you do have that little problem in Libya to deal with first. And Yemen. And maybe Tunisia or Egypt. Iran? Oh really? No, Mother Hen would never tell a soul! She is the very picture of discretion! An absolute portrait, almost a statue of trustworthiness!

Well, of course you do have other things to attend to, yes. Bo has to go out? Mother H. wouldn’t dream of keeping you on the line while the poor pooch is crossing his legs! In fact, she thinks she hears Junior Rooster calling.

It has been a pleasure, Mr. President. Stay in touch, okay? Love to Ms. Michelle now. Yes, and the girls, too!

Bye.


The Dudegate Debate: Mother Hen Weighs In

Poor little Jonny Stewart!

Mr. Jonny is currently the subject of a squawk-fest because he addressed Mr. President Barak Obama as “dude” Thursday on The Daily Show.  The media are all aflutter over this incident, condemning wee Jonny for disrespecting the Commander in Chief.

Dude, they’ve got the issue all wrong!

Mother Hen agrees that there was a problem with Thursday’s show, but disrespect is the least of Jon’s worries. 

For starters, who uses dude anymore?

Mother hasn’t heard that term since Aston Kutcher made “Dude, Where’s My Car?” in 2000. That’s ten years ago people – ten whole years for Mr. Stewart to acquire another chummy catchphrase with which to disrespect the leader of the free world! Say “peep” for instance (one of MH’s favorites), “dawg” which comes in a close second, or even “buddy,” a perennial favorite.

In fact, The Urban Dictionary (http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=dude) states that dude is ordinarily used by “stoners, surfers, and skaters.” Inquiring chickens want to know: which one are you, Mr. Stewart?

Beyond the dude question there is a much broader consideration. The President arrived armed with jokes, shot off the first volley, and then dominated the “conversation” throughout. It was so bad at one point Jonny whined “It’s just hard not to talk.”

MH agrees that Mr. Stewart was between a rock and a chicken coop. Mother Hen has been there herself from time to time. Interrupting the US President while he is speaking would be a big no-no.

Nevertheless, this is what the man does for a living – this, in fact, is what he gets the big bucks for – keeping celebrities and politicians uncomfortable by peppering them with humorous probing questions. On, Thursday, Mr. Stewart was euchred at what he supposedly does best.

Mother Hen thus poses the humorous probing question: has Jon Stewart and The Daily Show jumped the proverbial shark?  Is he past his due date? Is he in fact turning into…dare she say it…an old fart?

All MH can say is, “Jonny dear, watch your back. You never know when Mr. Conan will be in the market for another job. Oh, and one more thing…never go near a shark. Mother hears that they like to eat TV hosts for breakfast.”