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Mother Hen’s 2011 Christmas Letter ( First Draft)

It’s that time of year again folks.

Much as Mother Hen dreads the early onset of the festive season, she must come to terms with the not-so-convenient truth: if she is to have even a smidge of a chance of getting those cards out before December 24th, she has to begin the Coop Family Christmas letter now.

Sigh! So here we go:

Dear Hens, Roosters, Chicks and Chicklets,

Greetings and Salutations from the Coop Family!

Mother Hen is forced to must is pleased to share all of 2011’s disasters events blessings with all of you.

This summer Father Rooster finally repaired the coop roof. After years of months of crowing up there, he finally noticed that there was a pile of lot of few shingles that needed to be replaced. It was a good thing too since we were really close to having a deluge a flood some leaks in the corn bin, which would have been catastrophic disastrous a problem.

Missy Hen has made many questionable  interesting terrific new friends at Cornfield Junior High, where she is majoring in feather-fluffing egg-dying agricultural studies. Her new boyfriend, Peck, is a juvenile delinquent punk delightful young rooster who sports many curious tattoos is very creative.

Junior Rooster spent a great deal of time in detention competing on the chess team until he got kicked off. He is a hyperactive energetic young chick who drives us crazy keeps us busy keeps things lively around the coop! He recently received a most unexpected Good Egg Award from Chicken Little Memorial Elementary School which made us extremely surprised quite relieved very proud.

Naturally, Mother Hen has been kept busy laying eggs and writing her world-famous well known modestly successful blog. Mother Hen’s Nest. Her hobbies include knitting egg-cozies and attending hen sessions with “the girls.”

Remember to thank a chicken when you enjoy your eggnog this holiday season, and have a very Fluffy Christmas and a Crowingly Good New Year!

The Coop Family

There you have it! Mother Hen is so thrilled that she got that whole thing out of the way, she is going to have a celebratory cola and bag of popcorn now!

Mother Hen’s Acceptance Speech

Other than an extra-large popcorn, there are few things in life that Mother Hen enjoys more than accepting awards.

This is a recent discovery, since MH has been nominated for only one award to date, but she could get really used to this. (Hint! Hint!) Mother Hen has proudly (and of course, humbly) accepted the honor of receiving The Versatile Blogger Award from fellow blogger TikkTok, a fowl friend if there ever was one.

One of the rules attached to this prestigious award is the recipient must share seven things about herself. Although usually shy and retiring, Mother H. must dutifully contribute to her readers the following revelations:

  1. Mother Hen goes commando. You are aghast perhaps at this startling fact, but panties are a pain in the pinfeathers! Besides, they get in the way of egg production.
  2. Mother Hen does not have lips. One well-known rumor about chickens is that they have lips, a false assertion which MH intends to completely and totally set to rest. After all, if she had lips, Mother Hen would absolutely wear lipstick.
  3. Mother Hen has no bathroom in the coop. Blame Farmer Brown for this oversight. Mother Hen does.
  4. Mother Hen does not have teeth, not even in a glass beside her nest. It saves a lot on dental bills.
  5. Mother Hen’s favorite colors are pink, red, blue, green, yellow, purple, orange and mauve. (She loves black too, but black is not a color, or so she has been told.) MH does not believe in discriminating by color.
  6. Mother Hen is a chicken, but she is NOT chicken, nor does she play chicken! It is high time these infernal prejudices against the noble name of “chicken” be dropped from the English language!
  7. Mother Hen is not the only typing chicken in the world, but she is by far the best! See the following video for evidence.

Accept no substitutes!

Now, Mother Hen would like to thank all the little chickens who made this possible…

Back-To-School with Mother Hen

Mother Hen realizes that down there in the US of A, some kidlets head back to school in August.  Up here in Canada-Eh, little chicks and roosters return to the classroom after Labour Day. (Yes, that is how it is spelled here. Get over it.)

That means that MH still has a couple of weeks to get her feathers together and make sure that Missy Hen and Junior Rooster are suitably outfitted and raring, well, okay, ready to go.

Here is the Game Plan.

Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday Sunday
15 Ask Father Rooster to get the Supply List from the school.  16 Ask Missy Hen to get the Supply List from the school.   17 Take Junior Rooster to get the Supply List from the school. 18 Read the Supply List.Freak out!(Why does a Grade 3 rooster need a protractor set ANYWAY? To poke his neighbour’s eyes out?) 19 Check in drawers, closets, old backpacks, under beds and in laundry baskets for leftover school supplies. 20 Forget that. A search unearthed box of 12 chewed pencils, one black eraser, 7 broken crayons and 2 dead mice. Ew! 21 Day of rest to thank the Creator for only making back-to-school once a year.
22 Firmly determine to go and get school supplies. 23 Decide instead to order supplies online. Chicken stores are notoriously under-stocked anyway. 24 Actually look at Honest Fred’s – Your Friendly Discount Office Supply Store’s website. 25 Get up the nerve to go to Honest Fred’s checkout and see what the damage is. Keep bucket handy for throw up. 26 Get up the nerve to tell Father Rooster what the bill comes to. (“Honest” Fred is a large duck, so he always has a big bill. Hee-hee!) 27 Order supplies. Realize that they will never arrive on time. 28 Day of rest to ask the Creator for another week to get school supplies.
29 Let down the hem on  Missy’s old school uniform. Tell Junior to pretend he is wearing shorts. 30 Pack up chewed pencils, black eraser and broken crayons in last year’s backpacks. 31 Sew up holes in last year’s backpacks and repack. 1 Pack leftover popcorn in lunch bags. Tell Missy and Junior to just wing it, and have a good day anyway. 2 Dance the happy dance with all the other hens! 3 Go get some re-tail therapy. 4 Post-pone telling Father Rooster about the re-tail therapy.

The Morning After the Night Before, or Mother Hen’s Oscar Recap

As Mother Hen yawns on this post-Oscar morning, she is not sure how much is from her late night viewing and how much is from overwhelming boredom. Yesterday’s least exciting Academy Awards in MH’s very long memory was very blah, blah, blah.

What of Mother Hen’s predictions?

For starters, she is thankful for her great foresight in choosing not to pick likely Oscar recipient. A blind, deaf cow with motor-control problems could have picked those winners out of a pen – they were that predictable. How udderly pointless it would have been!

So onwards, dear chicks, with the post-game analysis.

Mostly Likely to Lay an Egg

What did mother tell you? Anne Hathoway’s anti-Hugh Jackson number was so pitifully thin that even Mr. Wolverine himself was struggling to look amused.

Mind you, James Franco was no better. When the highlight of a host’s evening is appearing in drag, you know that the night is a drag as well.

To be fair, the writing was excruciatingly bad. Even Billy Crystal would have been up to his eyeballs in do-do trying to make that lame script funny. With that in mind, let’s skip ahead to the award for

Most Likely to be the Funniest Presenter

To be fair, Mother Hen had no idea that Mr. Crystal would make an appearance in a tribute to Bob Hope, and likely it was a surprise to all of you as well. However, technically he wasn’t a presenter, so MH is still in the clear. Whew!

Didn’t Mother tell you that Robert Downey Jr. would be the funniest? Oh, yes she did, but notice as well that all of her other nominees (Jeff Bridges, Russell Brand)were at least credibly amusing, which is really saying something since the show as a whole was such a frickin’ dud.

Runner-up was Ms. Sandra Bullock, who managed to insult and charm everyone simultaneously. What a great broad!

Most Likely to Look Fabulous, Darling

Mother Hen chose to name Nicole Kidman belle of the ball, and Mrs. Urban did not disappoint, with a classy but edgy sparkly white number. Apparently not everyone agrees with this choice, but this isn’t their blog, now is it?

There is no doubt that Best Actress winner Natalie Portman, another of MH’s nominees, was absolutely stunning in her rich purple sheath, especially considering that she has a bun in the oven!

MH saw no sign of Jennifer Lopez, probably because (oops) this wasn’t the Grammys and J-Lo hasn’t been exactly burning up the box office lately. Her bad!

Neither did Mother H. see any sign of another Jennifer by the surname Aniston, which was surprising, were it not for the fact that her latest projects have “bought the farm,” so to speak. And where on earth (literally) were Angelina Jolie and her main squeeze, Brad Pitt?

Fortunately, Halle Berry showed, so Mother Hen’s choices weren’t all a no-show. Unfortunately, the always gorgeous Ms. Berry chose to wear a skin-toned frock which washed her out. If that weren’t bad enough, somebody rolled her in a swath of tulle and glue! Mother Hen was very, very disappointed. She would have thought Ms. Halle could afford a full-length mirror.

Special mention goes to rising star Mila Kunis appeared in a light lilac confection that was strategically draped to make the most of her um…assets, yet still appeared young and fresh. Bravo!

Most Likely to Look Like the Housecats Dragged Her In

Mother Hen was either disappointed or relieved (she can’t decide) to see no sign of her favorite in this category, Tilda Swinton, nor did she catch sight of Demi Moore, or Sarah Jessica Parker. Seriously, if the Academy doesn’t inform Mother Hen of the guest list next year, she may have to rethink her coverage of the Oscars. That would teach ‘em!

Then, another of MH’s nominees, Helena Bonham Carter, who perennially appears in thrift-store rejects, did show up (gasp, cue drumroll) looking relatively good…for her…if you like your medieval serving wenches in funereal black.

Charlize Theron was more restrained than usual in her choice, so it worked fairly well for her. Although the sunburst swirl is a bit too kitchen-clock kitschy for Mother Hen’s taste, the clean-cut lines are lovely.

Special mention in this category must go to Cate Blanchett, whose bodice was cut out using a dinner plate, and had ugly yellow caterpillars and funny little wingy-thingies over her shoulders, Best Supporting actress Melissa Leo, who bought her dress in Vegas from an Elvis impersonator, and poor Scarlett Johansson, in a two-toned lace tablecloth whose hair lost a battle with an electric beater on the way over. Oh ladies, this is why God created stylists, so you would at least have someone else to blame!

Then there was Florence Welch (60’s high school prom), Michelle Williams (where did her figure go?), Sharon Stone (dead goose draped over shoulder – shame on her!)…so many crimes against fashion and so little space!

Most Likely to Rock the Red Carpet, Old School

Both of Mother Hen’s choices wore grey this year.

The Queen of the Oscars, Meryl Streep disappointed in an ill-fitting number that did nothing for her figure or complexion. It actually added a few years, and likely a few pounds, to the usually youthful-looking star. Sigh!

The crown has to go to another Queen, Helen Mirren who looked elegant in a charcoal silk cut to flatter her waist. In contrast to Ms. Streep, Ms. Mirren looked lighter and younger in her lovely gown.

Oh, and didn’t Mother Hen tell you Annette Bening would have bird’s nest hair? Her dress did her no favors either. Star Trek, anyone?

Now, Mother Hen just wants to finish off with a little advice for those Oscar people, whoever they are. For Heaven’s sake, get on the phone to Robert Downey Jr. and book him as next year’s host! Or Sandra Bullock! Or both! Please, this little old chicken begs you, before it’s too late!

 

 

Things That Are Stupid

Mother Hen finds strange, silly stuff all the time: on the TV, in her People magazines (How else is a chicken supposed to study human behavior?), in conversations with the house cats, and especially when visiting with her friend Jodi Edwards Wright, who oddly enough, notices a lot of weird things as well.

What confounds MH is how much stupid stuff people see or say every day without remarking on how it is all so bizarre! Mother Hen suggests that more folks get their eyes and ears checked regularly.

  • First, MH must confess that a list of stupid things is in itself stupid, as things can’t be stupid – humans (and occasionally, animals) on the other hand…
  • White cats named Mittens
  • BOGO should be BOGOF*
  • How can people reconcile if they never conciled in the first place?
  • “Arkansas” Why is it pronounced like “ark and saw?” Mother Hen has it on good authority that Noah never lived there.
  • Pink Lego
  • “Borrowed time” Where can MH get some, and what is the interest rate?
  • People looking nonchalant while their dogs go poop
  • Naming body parts  Seriously! That is what the medical profession is there for.
  • Unrefrigerated Jello Cups  This is just wrong, people.
  • Edible oil products Ditto
  • Plastic banana protectors
  • Fake flies on pants or PJs
  • Toy vacuums  Who do you think you’re kidding? Even two-year-olds realize it’s work!
  • Air bands MH may be dating herself, but she remembers when Milli Vanilli got in big trouble for this.
  • Newlyweds smashing cake in each other’s faces  Now there’s a way to start “happily ever after.”
  • Worms They are both male and female and if you slice them they don’t die. Now, doesn’t that sound like some movie starring Sigourney Weaver?
  • Getting autographs from Disney characters
  • Comb-overs
  • Plastic corks Shouldn’t they be called “plorks?” They certainly aren’t cork anymore.
  • “Casual formal” What is that, jeans and a tie?
  • Worst song lists that exclude “Disco Duck”

*Buy One Get One Free

Mother Hen is confident that there will be no shortage of material, should she ever wish to do a “Things That Are Stupid 2.”

Twas the Day After Christmas

Twas the day after Christmas, when all through the coop
The place was in chaos. (They’re one messy group.)
The TV was blasting the post-Christmas ads,
To draw the last dollars from dear Mom and Dad.

The children were screaming, “Don’t touch my new stuff!”
While Daddy just sits in a daze — on his duff,
And Mother Hen wearing her gift of a sweater,
Had yelled at them all to behave a lot better.

When Missy Hen saw a great deal on a dress,
the TV said cost thirty-five percent less,
she cried “Mama Hen, I must go to the mall!”
But MH said “No!” so she started to bawl.

Junior Rooster was testing his new science kit,
The one that the box said would not hurt a bit.
When, what to their wondering eyes should appear,
But a gas that smelled foul and made their eyes tear.

“Out Junior! Out Missy! Out Father! Get going!
As fumes filled the coop and the stink was still growing!
To the top of the fence! to the top of the wall!
Now get away! Get away! Get away all!”

As dry leaves that before the wild forest fire fly,
and the sparks that result will then mount to the sky,
So there at the coop-top the bright flames they flew,
With the coop full of toys, and nice leftovers too.

 They stared at the blaze that was burning their place,
With looks of pure horror on each fowl‘s face.
“Now what will we do? And where will we live?”
Cried Missy, then hens all around said they’d give.

One offered a spare nest, another a shelf,
and one tiny chick brought a toy from herself.
Then Junior proclaimed in his loudest peep-peep,
“It’s lucky for us that no one was asleep!”

His eyes showed no sign of remorse for his act,
His innocent face was angelic, in fact.
Mother Hen was so tempted to smack his wee tush,
Since the neighbors were watching he got a slight push.

Then Mother Hen thought about what he had said,
How it was a blessing that no one was dead.
She gathered her family all up in a brood,
overcome with a feeling of pure gratitude.

“We still have each other,” she said with relief,
“And Farmer Brown’s sure to replace it – Good grief!”
“Has anyone seen my computer ‘round here?”
I brought it out with me. It has to be near.”

Mother Hen was concerned but her laptop was handy,
As Missy had emailed her punk boyfriend Andy
Since MH has shared in her blog all the news,
She thinks she is long overdue for a snooze.

So now that it’s high time to bid you good-bye,
And go to a neighbor’s to get some shut-eye,
Mother Hen wants to wish all her readers good night,
Happy New Year to all, and please try not to fight!”

Mother Hen’s Holiday Newsletter: Draft 1

Happy Holidays from the Coop!

All the members of the Coop family have had an

disastrous horrific eventful year full of

unfortunate mishaps serious disappointments interesting adventures!

 

Missy Hen is growing up too fast into a darling chick with a new

punk young rooster friend hanging around keeping her company these days.

She didn’t get into failed the entrance exam chose not to attend beauty school this fall after all,

and is currently moping around the coop taking a year off considering her options for the future.

 

Junior Rooster has finally unexpectedly graduated from Chickengarten,

and will be confined to  attending  homeschooled by Mother Hen in the New Year.

He is an aggressive assertive energetic young’un

who bullies smaller chicks is displaying leadership potential on the yard.

 

Father Rooster fell off the roof suffered an unfortunate workplace accident in the summer

but after a bit of time in rehab the hospital is back to crowing in the mornings

whenever he isn’t hungover  when he feels up to it.

Farmer Brown has read him the riot act stated how important Father’s work is to the whole farm community. It is nice to know that Father is appreciated like that!

 

Mother Hen is overworked underpaid writing her new blog

when she gets around to it regularly,

in between getting rejection notices sending out her work to prospective publishers.

She has been throwing out crap redecorating the coop and plans to repaint the walls as soon as she can find them. Hopefully it will be presentable in time for the holiday season.

From our coop to yours, our best wishes for a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Oh and Happy Hanukkah and Kwanza and Eid and anything else anyone celebrates, too!