Posts Tagged ‘awards’

Mother Hen’s Eggstraordinary Oscar Pecks

Mother H. knows you are all fed up to your wattles with every Tom, Dick and Henrietta projecting who will win an Oscar, not to mention declaring who should win. Heaven knows Mother Hen has had her fill.

Rest easy then, dear chicks, that your Mama Hen will not be bothered with such trivial matters. No, she is getting right to the important stuff inquiring chickens want to know.

Most likely to lay an egg

Anne Hathaway, no contest

For anyone who has been under a rock digging for grubs, Ms. Hathaway is an Oscar co-host. This is what she had to say this week about the scintillating performance we should expect.

          I think that humor is really difficult to pull off, and I’m not particularly

          adept at it. I wouldn’t feel comfortable doing it. Also, I don’t mean to

          sound overly serious, but I am the youngest host in history and I have

          no business being cynical or calling anyone out. I certainly haven’t

          earned the right to do that.

Isn’t she sweet? Aren’t you so ready for her to flop like a hound dog after a fox hunt? The only question that remains is, how many eggs and how big.

Most likely to look fabulous, darling.

It’s a tough race that could go to a number of worthy candidates.

Nominees:

Angelina Jolie, for making it look like she isn’t trying

Jennifer Lopez, for best booty on an actress/singer/TV host

Jennifer Aniston, for legs that go up to there and the tendency to show them off

Nicole Kidman, for consistency, consistency, consistency

Natalie Portman, for best preggers outfit

Halle Berry, for how in the heck can she go wrong looking like that?

And the award goes to:  Nicole Kidman, because she hasn’t failed us yet

Most Likely to Look Like the Housecats Dragged Her In

Again, a tough category, mostly because it depends on which flakes actually got invited.

Nominees:

                Demi Moore, for taking the least advantage of her advantages.

                Charlize Theron, for too much of a good thing is a bad thing, dear

                Helena Bonham Carter, for best “Night of the Living Dead”

                Sarah Jessica Parker, for least flattering fashionista

                Tilda Swinton, for looking like a guy in drag

Of course, all bets are off if Lady Gaga shows up for some reason. Just give her the award, already!

Otherwise, the award goes to: Tilda Swinton, for never under any circumstances wearing make-up, and looking completely unfeminine

Most Likely to Rock the Red Carpet, Old School

Nominees:

Helen Mirren, for beating back the crappy reputation of Brits in fashion

Meryl Streep, for being Meryl Streep

NOT Annette Bening because no matter what that woman wears, her hair will still look like a bird’s nest (and Mother Hen should know!).

And the award goes to: Both Ms. Mirren and Ms. Streep, because Mother Hen just can’t peck one

Most Likely to be the Funniest Presenter

Nominees:

Robert Downey Jr., because dang Mother Hen wishes he was hosting

Sandra Bullock, for her willingness to do almost anything for a laugh (even marry Jesse James)

Jeff Bridges, for his aw, shucks, I’m just happy to be here attitude

Tom Hanks, for being funny and classy at the same time, which is a tough gig

Russell Brand, for looking funny and being almost as outrageous as Ricky Gervais

And the award goes to: Robert Downey Jr., for his hilarious comments at the Golden Globes

On a sad note, Mother Hen is devastated that her invitation didn’t arrive again this year. She suspects the housecats, who like to shred things, but Buster the hound is not beyond suspicion either. He can slobber anything into a gooey mess in 10 seconds flat.

Enjoy the show, my dear little chiclets! Afterwards, Mother Hen would love to hear which humans, in your opinions, deserve her awards.

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Mother Hen Goes to the Oscars!

Okay, well, she isn’t there yet, but it could happen! A chicken can dream, can’t she?

Every year without fail, Mother Hen has her beak practically super-glued to her 52” widescreen plasma Sony TV (product placement, anyone?), ogling the red carpet offerings, chuckling at the best witticisms and cheering for the only nominees that she has actually managed to see. It is tough to be a movie buff that can’t get out to the cinema, darlings!

Of all the best picture contenders, MH has managed to see Inception (don’t ask how!) and…well, not one of the others, yet, but she will, one of these years. Anyway, her favorite movie of 2010 (so far) was cruelly left out of the winner’s circle at the Golden Globes, despite its incredible visual impact, complex script and the presence of Leonardo DiCaprio, who is, in this expert’s opinion, a pretty fair specimen for a human. (Ahem.)

Now, Inception’s director, what’s-his-name, has been left off the list for Best Director! If MH could remember who the heck he is, she would send him a sympathy card.

Mother Hen has seen Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland too, if for no other reason than that she would pay good money to watch Johnny Depp chew gum…or chocolate bars…or scenery. Even though Mr. Depp was scandalously overlooked by the Academy, at least our Johnny got nominated for two Golden Globes, so MH is somewhat pacified.

Yes, Mother H. has also seen Toy Story 3, but contrary to a nasty rumor going around the barnyard, she did not cry. No, that was a certain adult rooster nearby who shall remain nameless. After all, any mother of a child under the age of ten with intact eardrums had to get the DVD or go completely bonkers from hearing about it. Junior Rooster pronounced the third installment, “Totally wicked!” which apparently means it didn’t suck. Yes, the Coop family will be rooting for Buzz, Woody, and friends yet again this year.

One other film, which Mother Hen has not seen, but will be rooting for is Incendies, an entry in the best Foreign Film category. Why? As a proud Canadian, it is the least she can do! However, she does need to clear up a bit of a mix-up. Incendies is filmed in French, which is why it is eligible as a Foreign Film. Mother Hen, as you may have noticed, types in English. (Very observant of you!) So, is Canada an English-speaking country or French? *

Please excuse Mother Hen, as she needs to go and check her mailbox once again. The Academy should be sending her invitation anytime now.

 

 

*Both! Fooled you!

What, you knew that? Well, good for you! Kudos from Mother Hen!