Posts Tagged ‘Canada’

Bon Voyage to Mort & Lexi: A Mother Hen Interview

MH: Mother Hen is here at the coop, interviewing travel experts Mort Gander and Lexi Goose, a couple who are preparing for their yearly trip south. Welcome back, Mr. Gander and Ms. Goose!

Lexi: A pleasure as always, Mother Hen.

MH: Where have you been spending your summer?

Lexi: There is a lovely park by the river in London…

MH: London, Ontario, Canada?

Lexi: Well of course, silly. We didn’t fly here all the way from the UK!

MH: Just trying to be clear for our readers.

Lexi: Anyway, it is called Springbank Park. Have you heard of it?

Mort: I didn’t see any bank.

Lexi: It’s over in the plaza, Mort. Anyway, we found a lovely spot under a willow tree…

Mort: About five flaps from the merry-go-round.

Lexi: Mort is fascinated by the merry-go-round.

Mort: It goes around and around and around, and a lady named Merry runs it.

MH: What is involved in getting ready for your big expedition?

Lexi: Well, we log a lot of air time strengthening our wings and practicing our V-shaped flying.

Mort: and we eat like pigs.

Lexi: What Mort means is that we do alter our caloric input in order to provide energy for our strenuous journey south.

Mort: and we eat like pigs.

MH: It must be very difficult to fly in V-formation with only the two of you.

Lexi: We do have to trade off positions more often, obviously.

Mort: We cheat.

Lexi: Mort, we do not “cheat,” for heaven’s sake! We have merely adapted our great tradition to meet our particular needs.

Mort: She means we cheat. A lot.

MH: How exactly do you plan your itinerary?

Mort: Our whatsit?

Lexi: We do like to take the scenic route whenever possible. Last year we found the cutest little B& B in a pond run by a Mallard duck.

Mort: And we hit all the McDonald’s. And Burger-Kings. And White Castles. Don’t forget those.

Lexi: Mort has an unfortunate addiction to fast food.

Mort: Ya, we have to move fast or we’ll be food. Ha!

MH: Hilarious. Are you heading back to Marry-land this year?

Lexi: Of course! Our honey-moon destination! It’s so romantic.

Mort: We don’t have to get married again, do we?

Lexi: Why? Wouldn’t you do it all over again, dear?

Mort: Um…let me think about that.

This concludes Mother Hen’s interview with…ahem… devoted couple and avid tourists Mort Gander and Lexi Goose.

Postscript: Postscript: This is Mother Hen’s close friend, Jodi. Springbank Park in London is home to what seems like a million geese in the summer. There is a merry-go-round in the park  but to the best of our knowledge it is not operated by anyone named Merry.


Mother Hen’s Interview With Travel Experts Mort & Lexi

MH: Mother Hen is here at the coop, interviewing Mort Gander and Lexi Goose, a couple who have recently returned from an extended vacation in the United States. Welcome!

Lexi: Pleased to be here, Mother Hen

Mort: Likewise.

MH: Now, you are both Canada geese…

Lexi: A proud Canadian born and bred!

Mort: Ditto

MH: True patriots, that’s wonderful…but you are not only Canadian geese, you are Canada geese.

Lexi: Do you need to see our passports? Is this customs?

Mort: We have nothing to declare. Absolutely nothing!

MH: I just meant your breed is…

Lexi: Branta canadensis

Mort: Me too!

MH: I see. Anyway, tell us about your vacation!

Lexi: We were in a place called Marry-land. It seemed like the right destination after we got hitched, and we have been going there every winter since.

Mort: Nice wetlands.

Lexi: Not far from Washington D.C.

Mort: We made a point of stoppping to poop on the White House lawn.

Lexi: Mort!

Mort: Well we did.

MH: How was your trip home?

Lexi: The bad news is that it was terribly windy and rainy this year, so we had to make a lot of stops.

MH: And the good news?

Lexi: We visited many fascinating locales on the way, such as Frilly…

Mort: I pooped on the Liberty Bell.

Lexi: Mort, you didn’t!

Mort: Yup.

MH: And where else did you stay along the way?

Lexi: We spent a night at Leave-land, on the roof of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

Mort: But we didn’t see Elvis. Bummer!

Lexi: No, but we could totally understand why that city is called Leave-land, because after that we left land for a long time.

MH: Oh, you crossed Lake Erie!

Lexi: It was kind of eerie, now that you mention it. Lots of fog…

Mort: Lots and lots

MH: Now I understand you are operating a B & B behind a big box furniture store in London, Ontario.

Lexi: Our little pond is very popular with ducks…

Mort: It’s a puddle.

Lexi: It was where we met, in springtime.

Mort: That’s the only time it has water.

Lexi: Mort, I’m trying to advertise here!

MG: So what you are saying is that your business is a seasonal destination.

Lexi: Precisely

MH: So where to now?

Lexi: Mort and I love the Muskokas.

Mort: Plenty of rich folks there. They have great garbage.

Lexi: Please Mort! We do not eat garbage!

Mort: Well, maybe you don’t, Ms. Fussypants! Then we can aim at their big fat powerboats…

Lexi: Mort has issues with authority.

MH: You think?

This concludes Mother Hen’s interview with devoted couple and avid tourists Mort Gander and Lexi Goose.

Postscript: This is Mother Hen’s close friend, Jodi. This post is partially based in fact.  There are a pair of Canada geese who return each spring to a large puddle behind the Leon’s Furniture store in London, Ontario, Canada, and we dubbed them Mort & Lexi .

Mother Hen, the Telephone and President Obama

Hello? President Mr. Obama sir?

You are the President Mr. Obama? The guy in the White House? Oh, good!

Mother Hen here — you know, the world’s foremost typing chicken?

Really? Well, MH is a fan of yours as well. You are her favorite current American president by far.

You are very welcome, sir, but let’s get down to business, shall we?

As you know, Mother Hen is a proud citizen of Canada. No, north. Further north. That’s right.

We are having a wee problem with your guns coming over our border. No, sir, not your guns personally. Your country’s guns.

No, not the big ones…that would be Iraq. The smaller ones – mostly handguns, in fact.

Yes, yes, MH has heard about the pot problem. She is very sorry about that. Canada exports many agricultural products, but marijuana should not be one of them. She totally agrees with you there. It is supposed to be really good stuff though, right?

No, no, of course you wouldn’t…not at all. Anyway, we all know a little weed never killed anybody. Not right away,

That’s right, it takes time or a motor vehicle, whichever comes first. Gotcha on that! However, illegal guns do have a nasty habit of taking people out, unfortunately, in rather an abrupt manner. And messy. Very, very, messy!

Actually, it is a big problem. About two-thirds of the illegal guns seized by police in Toronto have come over the border from your country.[i]

Toronto. Big city. On Lake Ontario. CN Tower? Yes sir, that one. Um-hmm.

Well, no, our violent gun crime isn’t as bad as yours. Yet.

Only about one an hour.[ii] But then we have a lot fewer people to get shot, you see.

Or to do the shooting, that’s true. Yes, we’ve heard that slogan up here too – “Guns don’t kill people. People kill people.” It’s very catchy. You didn’t come up with that yourself, did…

No. Mother Hen didn’t think so. Anyway, the guns do make it easier, now don’t they?

Well, the point is…do you think that you could do something about that? Turn off the tap somehow, as it were?

Oh, you and Prime Minister Harper talked about that. Recently. At that little meeting you had? Wonderful! Mother Hen is so relieved to hear that!

And you are going to talk about it again soon. Maybe over lunch.

Yes, you do have that little problem in Libya to deal with first. And Yemen. And maybe Tunisia or Egypt. Iran? Oh really? No, Mother Hen would never tell a soul! She is the very picture of discretion! An absolute portrait, almost a statue of trustworthiness!

Well, of course you do have other things to attend to, yes. Bo has to go out? Mother H. wouldn’t dream of keeping you on the line while the poor pooch is crossing his legs! In fact, she thinks she hears Junior Rooster calling.

It has been a pleasure, Mr. President. Stay in touch, okay? Love to Ms. Michelle now. Yes, and the girls, too!


The 12 Canadian Days of Christmas

(Inspired by Ms. Fracas’s …ahem…complimentary blog about Canadians.  )

  1. On the 1st day of Christmas, Canadians gave the world, a blog by a very silly goose.*
  2. On the 2nd day of Christmas, Canadians gave the world, two strong men
  3. On the 3rd day of Christmas, Canadians gave the world, three French foods
  4. On the 4th day of Christmas, Canadians gave the world,  four Great Lakes
  5. On the 5th day of Christmas, Canadians gave the world, five thrilling sports
  6. On the 6th day of Christmas, Canadians gave the world, six Canadian Idols
  7. On the 7th day of Christmas, Canadians gave the world, seven artists painting
  8. On the 8th day of Christmas, Canadians gave the world, eight hockey legends
  9. On the 9th day of Christmas, Canadians gave the world, nine ladies singing
  10. On the 10th day of Christmas, Canadians gave the world, ten male musicians
  11. On the 11th day of Christmas, Canadians gave the world, eleven cool inventions
  12. On the 12th day of Christmas, Canadians gave the world, twelve funny people


  1. fracas*
  2. Terry Fox & Rick Hanson
  3. Poutine,  pea soup, tourtiere
  4. Lake Erie, Lake Huron, Lake Ontario, Lake Superior (Yes, Mother Hen knows that there are five. Let the USA claim Lake Michigan! We don’t need it anyway!)
  5. Ice hockey, lacrosse, basketball, broomball, Canadian football
  6. Canadian Idols: 2003 Ryan Malcolm, 2004 Kalan Porter, 2005 Melissa O’Neil, 2006 Eva Avila, 2007 Brian Melo, 2008 Theo Tams (So what if you have never heard of them? Apparently we liked them!)
  7. The Group of Seven: Frank Carmichael, Lawren Harris, A.Y. Jackson, Franz Johnston, Arthur Lismer, J. E. H. MacDonald, Frederick Varley
  8. Sidney Crosby,  Wayne Gretzky, Gordie Howe, Bobby Hull,  Mario Lemieux, Bobby Orr, Maurice Richard, Patrick Roy
  9.  Jann Arden , Celine Dion, Nelly Furtado, k.d. lang, Sarah McLachlan, Joni Mitchell, Alanis Morissette,  Anne Murray, Shania Twain
  10. Bryan Adams,  Justin Bieber, Michael Buble, George Canyon,  Leonard Cohen, David Foster, Jeff Healey,  K’naan,  Gordon Lightfoot, Neil Young
  11. Canadarm, electric wheelchair, goalie masks, hydrofoil, insulin (as a medical treatment), Jolly Jumper, paint roller, peanut butter, snow blower (naturally), snowmobile, telephone
  12. Dan Ackroyd,  Will Arnett,  John Candy, Jim Carrey, Eugene Levy, Howie Mandel,  Mike Myers,  Leslie Nielsen, Catherine O’Hara,  Russell Peters,  Seth Rogan, Martin Short and many more