Well, our union, the Chickens and Roosters Of the World (CROW) is at it again: fighting for the rights of everyday hens! We will not be taken for granted!
The cry has been raised! More yard! Patched roofs! Better feed!
As usual, Mother Hen is out there in the thick of things, handing out picket signs and rallying the troops. Management (that would be Farmer Brown and company) refuses to budge on our reasonable demands, but wait until they listen to crowing and cackling 24/7! Then they will come to the bargaining trough soon enough!
What’s that? A lockout? He wouldn’t d… Oh, poop! This is Mother Hen, reporting live (and kicking) from the scene of the strike, heading out to check on new developments in the CROW strike at Farmer Brown’s.
Mother Hen wishes all of her chicks the happiest New Year in 2012!
Hope you all had a lovely New Year’s Eve watching the egg drop on New Year’s Clucking Eve with Ryan Seagull and Dick Bark! Apparently Lady BaBa was on in a scandalous outfit with almost no wool (as expected) and Justin Beaver thrilled all the little chicklets by touching their itty-bitty wings with his paw. What a young heartbreaker he is, and Canadian too! Ahh, if Mother Hen was still a wee chick…
MH is glad all the Coop Family are safe and warm in the coop, as the first serious snowstorm of the season has arrived. For those of you living in sunnier climes, this means that if you go outside without a heavy jacket on your will lose half your feathers and be covered in gooseflesh! Have you ever been in a walk-in freezer? Add a large fan throwing ice pellets at your beak, and you are starting to get the idea.
MH can just barely make out where the barn is when she looks out the coop window because of all the blowing snow. It is a good day to stay home, pop some corn, and have some hot chocolate or tea.
Mother Hen has just realized that there are 10 more days until the big jolly fat guy gets stuck trying to get in the coop door! (No, she does not mean Father Rooster – she can hear you snickering out there people!)
Next to Easter, this is the busiest time of the year for the BUDS (Bunnies United Delivery Service) and boy, do they get cranky about now! If you have never tried to ship a package with a disgruntled rabbit, folks, it can get pretty ugly. Most of the farm animals keep a few carrots around for tipping, but everyone knows bunnies prefer chocolate.
Mother Hen has made her list and is checking it twice.
Father Rooster Alarm Clock
Missy Hen Feather Fluffer
Junior Rooster Hungry, Hungry Hoggies game
Great-Aunt Henrietta Feather Duster
Farmer Brown Bottle of Corn Liquor
Mrs. Farmer Brown Eau de Niblets Cologne
Santa Claws Milk from Mrs. Bossie and popcorn
For those of you who are asking the burning question, “What do chickens put out for Santa instead of stockings?” Mother Hen has a simple answer. Rubber boots, of course! What do you think we wear when the farmyard gets mucky? (And believe MH, after the cow and the horse and the pig family have been out there, a chicken could use a pair of hip-waders, if you know what Mother means!)
If Mother Hen doesn’t get time to peck the keyboard again during this holiday season, which seems likely, she would like to wish all her loyal chicks, people and other assorted animal readers a blessed and merry Christmas, and all the best for the coming year!
Mother Hen has always advocated for good household management, especially when it comes to financial matters, which is why it is time for her to turn her attention to the world’s current economic woes. There are rules that govern the Coop Family’s budget that certain countries like Grease, Spam, Ironland , and even the good ol’ US of A could learn from.
Here we go!
Don’t count your chickens until they’re hatched.
Basically, if you ain’t got it yet, you ain’t got it. No guessing, no hoping, no borrowing the neighbors’ chicks to make it look good to Farmer Brown or anyone else. That’s how overpopulation happens, but that’s another kettle of fish. Sooner or later you have to give those chicks back, and then look how much feed it’s going to cost you!
Always keep a nest egg, and add to it every week.
Oh, it’s always tempting to have company for dinner and show off your best bib and tucker, but if you eat all your feed in the fall, what is going to keep you through the winter? Just one visit from Mr. & Mrs. Hogg may provide you with a hop up that social ladder, but expensive! Always keep some aside, just in case.
Or in other words, if you want to keep the wolf from the door, you’d better not entertain pigs!
Be careful when you feather your nest.
Dear ones, no one loves a comfy coop like Mother Hen! Let’s face it, feather pillows, feather quilts, feather boas…she adores them all.
The problem is that you still have to cover your butt, people. Nothing says poverty like a straggly-looking hen with gooseflesh hanging out. It gets mighty cold in the winter when your backside is bare!
Don’t be so busy struttin’ your stuff that you run out of stuffing to strut with!
Do more than just scratch out a living.
If you are just bringing in enough to get by, you aren’t bringing in enough to get by! Find ways to haul in more, for heaven’s sake! For instance, Father Rooster has a second job as the school alarm. Mother Hen thanks to her unique, specialized and remarkable abilities is a part-time writer, and that’s not just chickenfeed, folks. (Okay it is, but it shouldn’t be!)
All those You’reAPeein’ countries need to shake a tail feather and get their rears in gear! Even the Americans need to quite singing Yankee Doodle Dandee, stick a feather in their caps, and coop-erate, for heaven’s sake, before all their chickens come home to roost, since their rafters are full already!
This has been a public service announcement from Mother Hen’s Nest.
Mother Hen worries a lot, as mother hens tend to do.
Will Father Rooster get up in time to wake up the farm? Will Missy Hen quit flirting with all the young roosters long enough to graduate? Did Junior take off his football helmet before he went to bed?
Unlike most chickens, though, Mother Hen worries about the state of the world too.
Is climate change going to fry all the world’s chickens? Will the uncertainty of the global economy destroy Mother Hen’s nest egg? Will Republicans and Democrats quit playing “chicken” with the financial future of the United States?
If everyone simply listened to Mother Hen, this would be a better world.
“Oh, really?” you say, only because you are not yet fully acquainted with the depth and power of MH’s years of accumulated wisdom.
Father Rooster needs to set his clock radio that Mother H. generously got him for his Hatching Day present.
Missy Hen should wear her glasses so she can use her eyes for something other than eyelash-batting.
Junior Rooster, let’s face it, needs to learn self-defense before he can ever dream of playing defense.
Now, the politicians would like to have you believe that saving the world is much, much harder than running a family coop. Poppycock!!!!
Mother Hen humbly contributes the following brilliant insights.
Build around trees, not over them. Fine for every viable tree cut down.
Give tax breaks to companies, small businesses and homes that use green energy to go off the grid, as well as companies that help everyone to produce clean energy.
Reduce insurance rates for people who regularly use public transportation.
Cut business taxes proportionally to number of new full-time hires.
Cut sales taxes on domestically produced merchandise.
Re-direct the military toward more peacekeeping and disaster assistance. Acts of aggression, towards any country or one’s own citizens, is to be met with pre-established UN protocols and discipline, including suspension of participation in international organizations.
Suspend or reduce salaries of congress and senate first if US government funding is cut off, with salary and bonuses tied to domestic prosperity indexes.
Personal taxes should be geared to income. If you have money and property, you contribute. If you don’t, you get a break. There are enough natural incentives to pursue financial success without penalizing the poor for being poor and rewarding the rich further for being rich. This is not communism, folks, for Pete’s sake! This is The Golden Rule. Mother Hen has spoken!
So, there are just a few kernels of wisdom from Mother Hen’s plentiful silo.
It is high time more politicians put MH on speed dial.
As everyone knows, Mother Hen is not only the world’s foremost typing chicken, she is also a style icon among the poultry set. MH prides herself on staying abreast of the most recent couture for hens, so imagine how thrilled she was to discover HenSaver, which bills (yes, ducks can wear them too!) itself as “The Leader in Chicken Saddles.”
Don’t let the name fool you now: while the Chicken Saddle does have some practical applications, it is also known as a Hen Apron, and comes in variety of styles, sizes and colors! There is a particularly fetching camouflage version which should be all the rage among well-dressed roosters this season.
For those of you ladies who need a bit more support (you know who you are!) there is the Birdy Bra, a type of Crop Bra/Chest Protector that lifts (but does not separate). The Birdy Bra can guard against pecking as well, assists with certain chicken digestive conditions, and comes in four fashionable shades. There is even a Sherpa lining available, darlings! Again, roosters and other fowl will love them too. If you are one of those poor unfortunates at the bottom of the pecking order, this little number will give your social status (as well as your breast) a little boost.
Now, on a more sensitive note, for chickens and roosters with…ahem…incontinence problems, and indoor pet chickens (imagine!), there is the Hen Holster, which is an attractive combined harness/diaper combo. No one will ever know that you are sporting that fetching little red bandana in case of oopsies!
There is even a sporty little add-on with owl-eye circles for the chicken who prefers a casual look.
When you see a gorgeous chick strutting around in a HenSaver ensemble, remember that you saw it here at Mother Hen’s Nest first! Toodle-oo, chickies!
This is an unsolicited endorsement by Mother Hen. Product may not be exactly as illustrated.