Posts Tagged ‘egg’

Mother Hen Meets the Press

As the world’s foremost typing chicken, Mother Hen is often called upon to act as the world’s foremost spokeschicken.

Well, sometimes she’s asked.  

All right, darn it, there’s a first time for everything!

In this capacity, Mother Hen has carefully prepared a press release, to address a crisis of international proportions. In fact, she is positive it is the most articulate piece of journalism ever produced within the duration of a kitchen egg-timer.

Ahem!

Good evening, ladies, gentlemen and barbaric carnivores!

Mother Hen perches here today as the appointed ambassador of the Chickens and Roosters of the World (CROW), to share with you our deepest concern about the vicious massacre occurring on our planet today.

You mean General Moammar Gadhafi’s brutal attacks on rebel forces in Libya?

No.

The ruthless reprisals against demonstrators in Syria by President Bashar al-Assad then?

Do I look like Anderson Cooper to you, mister? Huh?

Are you a secret agent from the KFC? No? Are you sure? Okay then!

To resume… deepest concern…ruthless massacre…oh, yes…

While the sisterhood and brotherhood of CROW thoroughly appreciate your patronage of their egg-laying industry, which employs billions of chickens worldwide…yes, thank you the lady applauding in the back…from Slavonian Dwarf Naked Neck Chickens of Croatia to the Manx Rumpy Chickens of Iran even to the Bawu Hawu Chickens of New Zealand…

Get to the point, Chicken!

How rude!

The point, Ma’am, is that horrible, unspeakable acts are being committed against chickens daily and it is time for the poultry of the world to be heard!

Do you know what they mean by stuffing, dear people of the press? Have you heard? The indignity!!!

Did you realize that while there is no such thing as “chicken balls,” (since chickens are female –duh!), in fact the … how does one put this delicately… the family jewels of roosters are routinely eaten in East Asia?

Are you serious?

Yes, it’s true! Even we of the fairer sex shudder at the thought of all those poor Chinese roosters wandering around without the proper equipment. Gentlemen, it must positively make your feathers fall out!

Lastly, did you know that “chicken wings” are really…yes, really…the wings of chickens? Shocking! Even though chickens are technically flightless birds, it is a travesty that somewhere out there a farm exists full of amputee chickens bravely learning to live with prosthetic limbs!

So, people of the world, now that you are aware of these tragic circumstances, surely you will join the chickens and roosters of CROW in demanding change…demanding justice…for the poor, defenseless

Oh come on!

Okay, so some of them have fences. That is beside the point.

Um…for the poor, suffering poultry on this planet who desperately need your intervention to end their misery…

For calling this stupid press conference, we can end your misery anytime now, chicken!

Sir! Stand back, sir! Security!

Hey! Where are the rest of all you media types going? You will miss the glorious conclusion!

This concludes today’s momentous announcement from Mother Hen, representing the Chickens and Roosters of the World (CROW). Mother Hen urges all people of goodwill to wear a chicken feather this coming week to show solidarity with CROW in its fight to end cruelty against poultry.

On Eggs, Hen-Pecking, and Female Solidarity

It is time for Mother Hen to weigh in on a timeless debate: which came first, the chicken or the egg?

What is her response to this philosophical dilemma?

“What a ridiculous question! Why would any hen with one iota of common sense care?”

There, that matter having been settled, Mother H. moves on to more relevant matters, matters such as obliterating the blatantly stereotypical term “hen-pecked” from the vocabulary of the masses. How did such a “fowl” term ever come to be part of the human language?

Dictionary.com defines hen-pecked as “browbeaten, bullied, or intimidated by one’s wife,” and claims it originated in the late 17th century, while Merrium-Webster.com pins the year at 1671, for no discernable reason.

Oh, well that explains it all! Chickens had such poor PR during the Baroque period.

Let’s get real, people! Have you ever seen a hen chase a rooster around the barnyard? Of course not! We chickens are too busy sitting on our nests keeping our eggs warm. The survival of the species depends on us, you know!

Female humans in the modern era seem intent on eradicating the word hen-pecked as well, which is all well and good, but do they care about how hens are disparaged and maligned by such a derogatory reference? No, they do not! Apparently they are more concerned with the negative connotations of being associated with chickens and pecking and such. Atrocious!

Now, see here you overgrown chickies! Mother Hen is here to set you straight. Hens are proud and noble birds, with a long heritage of serving the human community. Rather than split feathers over who is more damaged by this barbaric word, let us join together in feminine harmony and kick that nasty, bigoted term right out of the dictionary, and then stomp it, and scratch it, and…um, peck…it…uh…maybe not.

Please forgive Mother if she gets in a bit of a flap when the reputation of the entire female gender is at stake.  This is such an emotional issue!

Males of all species, be ye forewarned!  Use the word hen-pecked again, and Mother Hen will show you what a real hen-pecking looks like!