Posts Tagged ‘entertainment’

Animal Jeopardy

Mother Hen luuuvvves Alex Trebek – mostly because he’s Canadian but also because he has been hosting Jeopardy for absolutely forever, and it’s MH’s favorite game show!

There is just one thing missing to make Jeopardy perfect. There is a college version and a celebrity version and a high school version—but where’s the animal version, for heaven’s sake? Mother Hen would be sure to clean up, what with her experience pushing buttons and her legendary mastery of the Internet.

Here are a few suggestions, in case those game show people need a few hints.

Some eggcellent categories might be:

Animals in Literature – e.g. Animal Farm, The Incredible Journey, Black Beauty, Three Little Pigs, Moby Dick

Four-Legged Stars of Film—eg. Lassie, Morris the Cat, Uggie

Herd Sweet Herd—names of animal groupings

Tracks Without Trains—identify animal footprints

Gone But Not Forgotten—extinct animals

Humans and Their Habitats

Fine Feathered Friends—types of birds

Alex, dear, Mother Hen is ready and waiting for your call!

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Mother Hen Presents…The Descendents

Mother Hen Presents…is an occasional series in which your favorite typing chicken writes about things she may or may not have seen, heard or read.

First, a confession…Mother Hen loves George Clooney. He could only be more perfect if he was a rooster.

Now that her bias is declared, let’s take a look at this movie called The Descendents, shall we?

Where to start? There is this bratty kid who is a girl but named Scotty sort of but not exactly like the terrier dog or that guy from Star Trek. There’s an insolent, rebellious teen who is also a girl named Alex which just goes to show you can never tell by a name these days.

Then there is George, who plays Matt or Matty or Dad (whatever) who is all messed up because his wife is in a coma, and he can’t deal with his mouthy daughters and his wife has a  secret but Mother Hen can’t tell you about that because it is a spoiler and Mother H. is not a party-pooper. No sir, no poopin’ on parties for this chicken!

There is also this dufus teen boy who hangs around Alex for the entire movie whose only purpose in life is to say incredibly stupid things and add “dude” whenever possible. Is he Alex’s boyfriend? It’s a mystery, which simply means Mother Hen can’t figure it out either.

The best actor in the whole movie may be the chick who plays the wife because she does a great comatose imitation, but does anybody nominate her for an Oscar? No siree-bob! Like it is supposed to be easy lying there with your beak hanging open and not drooling or something. MH was watching like a hawk and she never saw a blink—not once! Amazing stuff that!

Anyway our buddy George did get nominated, which Mother Hen can hardly object to because he does cry on cue and everything, plus he never punches the dufus which takes an awful lot of self-control if you ask her.

Oh, Mother almost forgot to mention that Beau Bridges is also in the movie, which would be easy to overlook because they only throw him a bit part, but he does such a great deal with it that he deserves a shout-out anyhow. He ain’t a looker like George but he is a good ol’ boy and all.

Now comes the moment of truth. Is The Descendants a fantastic, life-changing and/or side-splitting movie? Nope, but it is worth seeing because there are so many great performances, including the young’uns, who need their mouths washed out with soap but otherwise do a bang-up job.

Mother Hen gives this movie three and a quarter eggs, which is rather messy but about right.

 

Mother Hen Presents…Alcatraz

Ah- ha! Bet you thought Mother Hen wouldn’t review this one!

For the record, MH has very eclectic taste…which means that she will watch just about anything.

Anyway, Alcatraz is this new TV show which is about the Rock – not the movie actor guy, but the prison that they call the Rock because it is on a rock. It’s not your ordinary, garden-variety kind of rock, like a stone or a pebble, so it doesn’t have itsy-bitsy prisoners or anything, which is a shame.

It’s kind of scary and kind of spooky and it’s made by that fella who came up with Lost, which is a whole nother show, so don’t get them confused, which you might because that big man with the pony-tail is in both.

The whole deal with this prison is that it was supposed to have been shut down ages ago, when Mother Hen was a spring chicken and a bunch of beetles made up this band and…not that that makes MH old or anything. The thing is, all these awfully bad men really just disappeared and everyone was told that the prison was closed in order to cover it up, not like with a blanket, but to fool people.

Now the prisoners are all coming back and here’s the spooky part. Are you ready? They aren’t any older than they were when they went missing. Cool, right? Mother Hen would like to know that trick!

Now a pretty detective and the pony-tail guy and a creepy dude who used to be a guard are trying to track these young/old criminals because they are killing people again, not then but now.

There are lots of prisoners and guards who went missing which means the head honchos of the Alcatraz show are all set ( if this thing is a hit) to keep those nasty men coming for years to come.

Mother Hen gives this show four golden eggs, which means why not watch it. It’s pretty good.

Mother Hen Presents…The Ides of March

Mother Hen Presents is an occasional series in which Mother Hen reviews stuff that she may or may not have seen, heard or read.

The most important thing that you need to know about this movie is that George Clooney is in it. The next most important thing is that Ryan Gosling is also in it.

Now for all you chicks out there MH probably need not type another word, but since there are roosters and other guys who visit the nest too, she might as well continue.

George Clooney wants to be President, so half the world says let him already. However, there are a lot of men in this film that he has to convince as well, so he needs Phillip Seymour Hoffman (no relation to Dustin) and Gosling to persuade the males that voting for George is like, totally cool.

Paul Giamatti tries to stop them, mostly because he is a jerk, but also because he works for the other guy who wants to be President. He is a bad egg. Mother Hen liked him better when he was John Adams.

So Clooney makes an oops, and it is a pretty big oops, and Gosling finds out and doesn’t like him anymore, which is pretty lousy of him since Ryan baby made a pretty big oopsy himself.

By this time everyone is about up to their necks in poop, so Marisa Tomei, who is a reporter, is having a lot of fun scooping it up for her paper, The New York Rhymes, or something like that. Once it is full of poop, who cares what it’s called? Not Mother Hen. She has plenty of caca at the coop to deal with, thank you very much.

By now, everyone is blackmailing almost everyone else and stabbing them in the back and heads will roll and all that, and that is the part that the men will like a lot. Politics is a dirty, dirty business, which is why MH stays clear of it as much as possible. She does not like getting her feathers mucky.

All Mother Hen cares about is whether George and Ryan live happily ever after, but she can’t tell you if they do because that is what they call a spoiler. Spoiled eggs are bad so that must be a bad thing too.

This has been a Mother Hen Presents presentation.

Mother Hen Presents…Modern Family

An occasional series in which Mother Hen reviews stuff that she may or may not have seen, heard or read.

Okay, so here’s the deal: there is this family, only it is three families who are really one family. Did Mother Hen mention that this thing is a television show?

First, there is this dad who is married to this sexy Columbian chick and they have a son who is not his son. Who is the real dad of this kid? Nobody knows except Jerry Springer, and he is too busy not being a TV host to talk to Mother Hen right now.

Anyway, this kid Manny is played by a man who looks like a kid but is actually a little person — that is why his name is “Man-ny.” Get it? MH doesn’t either. Wait until the dad who isn’t the dad figures out that he is raising a kid who isn’t a kid. Now that will be one heck of an interesting episode!

Secondly, there is a family named the Dumbfies who have both a mom and a dad and three kids, none of whom are played by little people as far as Mother Hen knows which in this case is not very far.  The mom is the daughter of the dad. No, not this dad, that other dad. This is not a porno, people! It is a modern family show.

The three kids are a teenager chick, a brainiac and a brat, none of whom have super-powers. Since they are the Dumbfies, the parents aren’t as bright as their kids, which is a problem most of the time.

Thirdly, there is a Vietnamese baby girl with two daddies, neither of whom is Vietnamese. How this kid got born is anybody’s guess. One of these dads is uptight and the other is gay. The uptight guy is the son of the dad who is married to the Columbian babe but she is not his mother. It’s complicated.

The critics love this show, and since Mother Hen is a natural critic (all her own modern family tell her so), she loves it too.

She wonders though whether the dark-haired Columbian chick knows that she is not the mother of the blonde mom or the red-headed uptight dad and thus not the grandmother of the four grandchildren, because if not, she will be awfully mad when she does find out. She has a temper problem, so look out for fireworks when she figures it out, which will probably happen on July 4th one of these years.

One of the best things about this show is how normal one feels after watching it. Even your family may seem relative-ly okay!

(This has been a Mother Hen Presents…presentation.)

Mother Hen Presents…Bridesmaids

An occasional series in which Mother Hen reviews stuff that she may or may not have seen, heard or read.

Bridesmaids is a movie about bridesmaids…and a bride…with a few guys thrown in to keep it interesting (and by interesting we mean sexy, but this is a family blog so don’t tell the kids).

Bridesmaids is a chick flick, which can only be a good thing because it has a bunch of chicks in it, but here is a secret: roosters like it too! Uh huh, boys. Oh, you may strut around and crow about how your wife or girlfriend or little sister dragged you in, pried your eyelids open and made you watch it, but that is a pile of pig-sty backwash, because everybody saw you laugh until your diet Coke came snorting out your nose! It was nasty.

Anyway, as Mother Hen was saying, it is a fair bit like Hanging Over and Hanging Over 2, but with chicks. Somebody gets drunk, which leads to trouble. Somebody gets mad, which leads to trouble. A whole lot of somebodies do something gross and disgusting under the worst possible circumstances, and you guessed it, there is trouble.

Not that Mother Hen is accusing anyone of using a formula or anything, because that wouldn’t be nice. Besides, women respond differently to stuff, right? That’s right. Everybody knows that. It is written down somewhere in a book about the DNA or the FBI or maybe the CIA, so it’s classified, but it’s a fact.

For instance, in Bridesmaids these chicks get jealous because they want to be at the top of the pecking order. That is something that guys in buddy movies never do, because they all know that they are the best and anyone who doesn’t realize it can go suck out septic tanks.

Also, chicks like weddings, and wedding dresses and pretty much everything about weddings, while guys mostly dress in black like they are going to a funeral. Girls fuss about details, while boys cuss about details. 

So what this means is that Bridesmaids is like Hanging Over, except where it’s not. It’s super-duper funny, kind-of gross and has a happy ending.  You knew it would have a happy ending, so it is not a spoiler to say so. It’s a frickin’ comedy, not Hamlet or Piglet or Eeyore even.

Give Bridesmaids a chance, and you too could be spewing soda all over the unlucky person seated in front of you. That alone is worth the price of admission.

(This has been a Mother Hen Presents…presentation.)

Mother Hen Poses a Question

 Lady GaGa (on American Idol) and Cruella Deville  

 Separated at Birth????

                                     

Mother Hen Presents…HANNA

Mother Hen Presents…is a new occasional series in which Mother Hen reviews stuff that she may or may not have seen, heard or read.

Hanna is a movie.

Hanna is a movie about a girl named Hanna. Duh.

Hanna is one tough chick who was hatched as part of one of those government DNA experiment things that you always just knew were happening somewhere all over the place, but until now you had no proof. Aha!

Miss Hanna was raised out in the forest where it is super cold so they kill Santa’s reindeer for something to eat, but then they run away before Santa can catch them, but they make it seem like it is all about the CIA or FBI or CNN or ABC or some other TV network. This man she calls Papa keeps trying to kill her, and that’s how you know that he loves her, you see, because he wants to make sure that nobody else kills her first.

The studio says that it is a “thriller” but Mother Hen is letting you know the real inside poop: it’s a documentary. Uh-huh. You heard it first here at the nest!

Oh sure, Cate Blanchett is in it, or so they say, but that woman barely looks like Ms. Blanchett so she could be any old real spy lady chasing Hanna all over Fairy Tale Land or Mother Goose Town or wherever the heck that Mr. Grim in the middle of the story lives.

See, that’s how you know it must be real, because who makes stuff like that up?

Just so you know, before you go and get all grossed out, Hanna kills people. A lot. When Hanna isn’t killing people, there is always lots of killing going on anyway, because that is what almost everyone does for a hobby when they aren’t hatching Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Hanna keeps getting new clothes from nowhere in particular, but Mother Hen figures that she must have a product placement deal, except for the one outfit that she steals, but that’s okay kiddies, because you are allowed to steal when a bunch of goonie gorillas are out to nail your unclothed posterior.

Mother Hen isn’t going to give away the ending. That is what they call a spoiler, and MH would never do that to her loyal chicks who check in at the coop every week (or whenever Mother gets around to posting.) No, let it simply be said that with all this bad caca flying around and more dead  bodies than fleas on a barn cat, what odds would you give on there being a happy ending? Or a sequel?

Not that Mother Hen gambles or anything.

(This has been a Mother Hen Presents…presentation.)

The Upcoming Nuptials: Mother Hen’s Take on the Royal Wedding

There once was a lady named Kate

Whose Prince finally set the big date

She kissed him and then

Said “I do “and “Amen”

And she now has a frog for a mate.

 

Oh, Mother Hen loves a limerick almost as much as a royal wedding! She hasn’t been so chuffed[i] since Princess Di married what’s-his-name…the one with the big ears and the mistress.

Mind you, MH has had a dickens of a time keeping up. There are Will & Kate specials at all hours on the telly[ii].  One can hardly get to the loo[iii] and back without missing some minute detail about what Diana’s flower girl’s nanny thinks about the dress that Kate theoretically possibly maybe could wear.

One magazine with royal photos is hardly in the dustbin[iv] before the postman shoves ten more in the letter box[v], or Mrs. Farmer Brown brings another back from the newsagent[vi].

Anyway, Mother Hen has her smartest[vii] dress ready for the ceremony, her lovely hat is at the ready in her chest of drawers[viii], and a brand new Union Jack[ix] will wave from her wing. Since her invitation failed to arrive on time, MH will have to content herself with viewing the live broadcast. Pity!

Will Will & Kate live happily ever after, or make a complete dog’s breakfast[x] out of this marriage thing like his parents? Mother Hen thinks that Will seems like a decent bloke and Kate a bonny lass, so they seem unlikely to put paid[xi] to their relationship. Really, they seem a jolly couple. No, MH supposes it should all be tickety-boo[xii] from here.

Now, if you will please excuse Mother H., she is ready for a tea-break. She saved some lovely scones to go along with her cuppa[xiii], and she’s feeling a bit peckish[xiv] (which seems especially appropriate for a chicken, don’t you think?).

 

Mother Hen would like to express her appreciation to The Septic’s Companion: a British slang dictionary for being a reference for this post. Any mistakes or misused terms are MH’s responsibility.


[i] happy; pleased

[ii] TV

[iii] washroom

[iv] garbage; trashcan

[v] mail slot

[vi] newspaper stand; corner store

[vii] most attractive (relates to clothing or appearance in general)

[viii] dresser

[ix] British flag

[x] mess

[xi] put an end to

[xii] going well; in a good state

[xiii] cup of tea

[xiv] hungry

Mother Hen and Other Angry Birds

 Is Mother Hen an Angry Bird, or is she merely an angry bird?

For the other five of you who, like MH until recently, do not know about Angry Birds, Mother H. is quite happy to fill you in, because it makes her feel all superior. (Honesty is one of  Mother Hen’s many outstanding characteristics, if she must say so herself.)

Angry Birds is an app, as in application, as in “I have an iPhone and you don’t. So there!”

Better yet it is a game app, the most popular one around, so now that Mother Hen has it, she is totally cool. Uh huh. At least until next week, so she’s milking it for all it’s worth.

Here’s the thing. The object is to catapult various birdlike creatures at these green pigs and make the piggies explode, which would be great except for the part where the birds blow up too.

There is a cute little blue bird that turns into three little blue birds when you touch her in mid-air. How does she do that? Three Mother Hens would get the coop cleaned in no time!

Then there is a bigger yellow bird who gets faster and stronger when you touch him,  a medium red bird that doesn’t do anything exciting and a bomb-shaped black bird that explodes when you touch him or when he lands, whichever happens first.

A big white bird drops egg-bombs from the sky that obliterate things, or at least they do if you hit them dead on. I’m sure the nice app people are fixing that tiny detail, because it would be so amazing if an egg-bomb could totally wipe-out those sick-looking pigs without the trouble of having to be so freaking accurate. If you were playing with a beak instead of with fingers, you would completely understand the principle here.

There might be more birds up ahead, like kilt-wearing birds or purple paintball birds or pooping birds (which would be totally awesome, wouldn’t it?), but if there is please don’t tell Mother H. because that would be such a spoiler.

You are all such lovely, devoted readers, so she is sure that you would never do such a thing, but just in case, remember, Mother Hen has connections to some real-life angry birds who could cover your cars with caca faster than you can let your dogs out. She’s just sayin’.

The question keeping MH up at nights is this: are those white, egg-laying birds chickens?

You’ve been wondering the same thing, haven’t you?

The blue birds look a lot like bluebirds, and the bomb birds look like crows, the red birds look like robins and the yellow birds looks like…maybe big canaries?

You do see the conundrum, right? If the Angry Birds are mutant critters out of some drug-addled programmer’s brain, then hey, bombs away!

If however, Angry Birds are meant to be honest-to-goodness real lifelike birdies going splat on impact, well then this is a moral outrage! Call PETA, start Facebook petitions, and inform Bob Barker, for heaven’s sake!

Next thing you know, there will be an app where we all club seals, and then they’ll be killing people in these things too! You wait and see. You guys are next!

The house cats have been telling Mother Hen that she should be flattered that the most famous app in the whole entire world features chickens, but then MH has always had a sneaking suspicion that they don’t really like birds very much anyway. Both cats reassure Mother that they love birds, but the way that they lick their chops when they say that makes her nervous.

What do you think, dear chicks? Should Mother Hen be an angry bird, or should she be an Angry Bird? Anyone?