Posts Tagged ‘family’

Mother Hen Presents…Modern Family

An occasional series in which Mother Hen reviews stuff that she may or may not have seen, heard or read.

Okay, so here’s the deal: there is this family, only it is three families who are really one family. Did Mother Hen mention that this thing is a television show?

First, there is this dad who is married to this sexy Columbian chick and they have a son who is not his son. Who is the real dad of this kid? Nobody knows except Jerry Springer, and he is too busy not being a TV host to talk to Mother Hen right now.

Anyway, this kid Manny is played by a man who looks like a kid but is actually a little person — that is why his name is “Man-ny.” Get it? MH doesn’t either. Wait until the dad who isn’t the dad figures out that he is raising a kid who isn’t a kid. Now that will be one heck of an interesting episode!

Secondly, there is a family named the Dumbfies who have both a mom and a dad and three kids, none of whom are played by little people as far as Mother Hen knows which in this case is not very far.  The mom is the daughter of the dad. No, not this dad, that other dad. This is not a porno, people! It is a modern family show.

The three kids are a teenager chick, a brainiac and a brat, none of whom have super-powers. Since they are the Dumbfies, the parents aren’t as bright as their kids, which is a problem most of the time.

Thirdly, there is a Vietnamese baby girl with two daddies, neither of whom is Vietnamese. How this kid got born is anybody’s guess. One of these dads is uptight and the other is gay. The uptight guy is the son of the dad who is married to the Columbian babe but she is not his mother. It’s complicated.

The critics love this show, and since Mother Hen is a natural critic (all her own modern family tell her so), she loves it too.

She wonders though whether the dark-haired Columbian chick knows that she is not the mother of the blonde mom or the red-headed uptight dad and thus not the grandmother of the four grandchildren, because if not, she will be awfully mad when she does find out. She has a temper problem, so look out for fireworks when she figures it out, which will probably happen on July 4th one of these years.

One of the best things about this show is how normal one feels after watching it. Even your family may seem relative-ly okay!

(This has been a Mother Hen Presents…presentation.)

Back-To-School with Mother Hen

Mother Hen realizes that down there in the US of A, some kidlets head back to school in August.  Up here in Canada-Eh, little chicks and roosters return to the classroom after Labour Day. (Yes, that is how it is spelled here. Get over it.)

That means that MH still has a couple of weeks to get her feathers together and make sure that Missy Hen and Junior Rooster are suitably outfitted and raring, well, okay, ready to go.

Here is the Game Plan.

Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday Sunday
15 Ask Father Rooster to get the Supply List from the school.  16 Ask Missy Hen to get the Supply List from the school.   17 Take Junior Rooster to get the Supply List from the school. 18 Read the Supply List.Freak out!(Why does a Grade 3 rooster need a protractor set ANYWAY? To poke his neighbour’s eyes out?) 19 Check in drawers, closets, old backpacks, under beds and in laundry baskets for leftover school supplies. 20 Forget that. A search unearthed box of 12 chewed pencils, one black eraser, 7 broken crayons and 2 dead mice. Ew! 21 Day of rest to thank the Creator for only making back-to-school once a year.
22 Firmly determine to go and get school supplies. 23 Decide instead to order supplies online. Chicken stores are notoriously under-stocked anyway. 24 Actually look at Honest Fred’s – Your Friendly Discount Office Supply Store’s website. 25 Get up the nerve to go to Honest Fred’s checkout and see what the damage is. Keep bucket handy for throw up. 26 Get up the nerve to tell Father Rooster what the bill comes to. (“Honest” Fred is a large duck, so he always has a big bill. Hee-hee!) 27 Order supplies. Realize that they will never arrive on time. 28 Day of rest to ask the Creator for another week to get school supplies.
29 Let down the hem on  Missy’s old school uniform. Tell Junior to pretend he is wearing shorts. 30 Pack up chewed pencils, black eraser and broken crayons in last year’s backpacks. 31 Sew up holes in last year’s backpacks and repack. 1 Pack leftover popcorn in lunch bags. Tell Missy and Junior to just wing it, and have a good day anyway. 2 Dance the happy dance with all the other hens! 3 Go get some re-tail therapy. 4 Post-pone telling Father Rooster about the re-tail therapy.

Mother Hen Rules the Roost

Dear Devoted Readers and Loyal Chicks,

As you may have noticed, recently Mother Hen has been dreadfully busy pursuing her career. What with interviews, reviews and the occasional press conference (okay, only one…but it was very important), MH has barely had time to rustle up a few bags of popcorn for her brood in the evening.

No more! Mother Hen is in the coop, boys and girls! It is time to shape up, get the lead out, toe the line, and get your acts together!

“Junior Rooster, get your butt and those blocks up off the floor!”

“Awwww, Ma!”

 

“Missy, you can only wear one outfit at a time, for heaven’s sake! Hang up those dresses and fold those tops. “

“But Mother, I have nothing to wear!”

“Your ‘nothing-to-wear’ is all over the coop. Choose it or lose it!”

 

“Father Rooster, what in the heck are you doing?”

“Hello, dear. I got a great deal on some surround sound speakers for the flat-screen TV, so I’m just hooking them up.”

“Where did you get this ’great deal’?”

“Oh, Walter Wings bought them from Fred Featherly who got them off the back of somebody’s truck.”

“Well, you can just march those hot speakers right back to Fred and get our money back.”

“Mama, they’re not hot! They’re cool!

“Junior, don’t interrupt your Mother when she is hen-pecking me. You know how she gets!”

That’s it! Everyone is in time-out!

“Papa too?”

“Papa too!”

Cool!”

“Shut-up, Junior!”

“Mama, Missy used a bad word!”

“Did not!”

“Did too! You’re not supposed to say shut-up!”

“Dear, about those speakers…”

 

At this point, Mother Hen used a bad word of her own, and nobody got dinner.

Sometimes you have to be a real mother to be a Mother.

You know how it is.

Yours in maternal solidarity,

Mother Hen

After the Math ($$$)

It is with great sadness that Mother Hen must report that her fabulous plans for the new Coop Family coop have been vetoed by Farmer Brown, the owner (aka “tyrant”) of the farm on which said family lives. He said, and we quote, “We ain’t gots no monies for high-falutin’ fixtures for no chicken barn.” As if chickens weren’t people too!

This means that the popcorn fountain, drinking fountain, seed bin, and French doors are scrapped. Even MH’s upholstered perches for watching the big screen TV did not receive adequate funding! However, with the generous contributions from the neighbors, who put together a Coop Family Fire Fund, the 52” wide screen plasma TV has been replaced, and the custom corner perch was installed as requested – the sole compromise from Dictator Brown!

Missy Hen disdainfully wears her newly-acquired hand-me-downs because she must, but there is one seriously discontented teenage chick in the coop these days. Her miserable attitude permeates the place as much as the smell of fresh paint.

Junior Rooster is somewhat more accepting of the hand-me-down toys collected by the good folks at the Coop Co-Op. If it is new to him, that’s what really matters. In this (at least) he is a sensible boy!

Father Rooster is still recovering from his disappointment at losing the French doors. No one else could tell, as he is so stoic. He can deny it all he wants, but Mother Hen knows inside he is devastated.

Mother herself is resigned to never having a popcorn fountain, but don’t feel badly for her. Oh, no! MH is fine, just fine; in fact, she has almost erased all the sample photos from her decorating file. A chicken must know her place in the world, apparently, and never let it be said that Mother Hen aspired above her station in life.

So now the coop is back to normal – in fact, you probably couldn’t tell the old one from the new one. Sigh! Not even a Persian rug to soften the floor under Mother Hen’s delicate feet. Not that she is complaining…of course not!

The Aftermath

With a Special Preview of Mother Hen’s New Coop Plans

(How could Farmer Brown resist?)

Dear friends of the Nest*

Do not be distressed!

Mother Hen is just fine —

She’s begun to design

A new home for the Coops

While the family regroups.

Dearest darling readers,

                Thank you so much for your concern and good wishes as the Coop family recovers from their recent fire. Mother Hen and her brood are all alive and kicking, thank God! Farmer Brown has promised to build a new coop just as soon as MH and Father Rooster can agree on a layout. If anything, Mother Hen and the gang will soon be the envy of the entire farm because of their deluxe accommodations!

Missy Hen is thrilled at the prospect of a new wardrobe. With the post-Christmas sales on, she is itching to get at it!

Junior Rooster is making a list and checking it twice – of lost toys, that is! He expects them all to be replaced, but that fateful science kit is a no go. Hear that, Junior? Absolutely, positively not, mister!

Of the family’s meager possessions, the only thing that everyone mourns is the flat-screen TV. What a tragic loss! MH is suffering from withdrawal symptoms as we “speak!” However, the neighbors are taking up a collection for the unfortunate Coops which may just find its way to a big box store nearby (which shall remain nameless, as Mother Hen does not do endorsements for free, for heaven’s sake!) What those other hens don’t know can’t hurt them, right?

The New Year will be a new start in a new place with the same old people. What more could a family want?

Yours contentedly,

Mother Hen

Gentle readers, do please understand that while Mother Hen and Jodi Edwards Wright are the very closest of friends, they are not one and the same “person,” and the tragedy that has befallen Mother H. has not also transpired in Ms. Jodi’s life as well. Here are some hints on how to keep the two straight, since it is a difficult task:

                Mother Hen                                                                                       Ms. Jodi

  •  
    •  Is a chicken                                                                           is a human female
    • Has one spouse and two chicks                                         Has one spouse, one grown chick,two stepchicks and their spouses, and four grandsons
    • Has two “ally” cat informants in the farmhouse             Has two crazy but loving housecats
    • Lives in a coop                                                                     Lives in a house
    • Is located at Farmer Brown’s place, Canada                   Is located in Chatham-Kent, Ontario, Canada 
    • Lays eggs on a regular basis                                             has egg on her face on a regular basis
    • Eats popcorn and drinks tea or eggnog                          has a food intolerance to corn, but does drink tea

*With “especial” love to Ms. Lori, who is a dear friend to both ladies

Twas the Day After Christmas

Twas the day after Christmas, when all through the coop
The place was in chaos. (They’re one messy group.)
The TV was blasting the post-Christmas ads,
To draw the last dollars from dear Mom and Dad.

The children were screaming, “Don’t touch my new stuff!”
While Daddy just sits in a daze — on his duff,
And Mother Hen wearing her gift of a sweater,
Had yelled at them all to behave a lot better.

When Missy Hen saw a great deal on a dress,
the TV said cost thirty-five percent less,
she cried “Mama Hen, I must go to the mall!”
But MH said “No!” so she started to bawl.

Junior Rooster was testing his new science kit,
The one that the box said would not hurt a bit.
When, what to their wondering eyes should appear,
But a gas that smelled foul and made their eyes tear.

“Out Junior! Out Missy! Out Father! Get going!
As fumes filled the coop and the stink was still growing!
To the top of the fence! to the top of the wall!
Now get away! Get away! Get away all!”

As dry leaves that before the wild forest fire fly,
and the sparks that result will then mount to the sky,
So there at the coop-top the bright flames they flew,
With the coop full of toys, and nice leftovers too.

 They stared at the blaze that was burning their place,
With looks of pure horror on each fowl‘s face.
“Now what will we do? And where will we live?”
Cried Missy, then hens all around said they’d give.

One offered a spare nest, another a shelf,
and one tiny chick brought a toy from herself.
Then Junior proclaimed in his loudest peep-peep,
“It’s lucky for us that no one was asleep!”

His eyes showed no sign of remorse for his act,
His innocent face was angelic, in fact.
Mother Hen was so tempted to smack his wee tush,
Since the neighbors were watching he got a slight push.

Then Mother Hen thought about what he had said,
How it was a blessing that no one was dead.
She gathered her family all up in a brood,
overcome with a feeling of pure gratitude.

“We still have each other,” she said with relief,
“And Farmer Brown’s sure to replace it – Good grief!”
“Has anyone seen my computer ‘round here?”
I brought it out with me. It has to be near.”

Mother Hen was concerned but her laptop was handy,
As Missy had emailed her punk boyfriend Andy
Since MH has shared in her blog all the news,
She thinks she is long overdue for a snooze.

So now that it’s high time to bid you good-bye,
And go to a neighbor’s to get some shut-eye,
Mother Hen wants to wish all her readers good night,
Happy New Year to all, and please try not to fight!”

Mother Hen’s Holiday Newsletter: Final Draft

 

To compare to the Original draft of the Coop Family Newsletter (which you absolutely must do), see Mother Hen’s Holiday Newsletter: First Draft.

Delivered more or less, almost, kind of on time as promised!     Mother Hen

Coop Family Calendar November 2010

Mother Hen presents: The first ever Coop Family Calendar!!!!!!!

As you can see, life is very busy indeed, and MH has her wings full just trying to keep track!

Father Rooster had to cope with the end of daylight savings time, and let Mother tell you, there is nothing so cranky as a rooster off schedule! You would think that the sun was never going to show up at all!

Most of the calendar is self explanatory, but perhaps Mother should…ahem…elaborate a bit about Junior Rooster’s cockey game suspension. She is extremely disappointed to report that he was cited by the ref for “pecking from behind” and “unroosterlike conduct.”  Let Mother H. assure you , he was nested and confined to the coop for a week for those shenanigans. (For more about Junior Rooster and cockey, see Sports and the Male Animal).

Last year for our family holiday portrait, Missy Hen substituted a neon pink dress (see illustration above) for the lovely blue velvet Mother Hen had chosen, then hid her outfit under her coat until we had arrived at the photographer’s studio. Well, it was just dreadful! All of us were wearing shades of blue, and there was Missy sticking out like a sore claw! That will not be happening again this year, no-sirree-bob!

Mother Hen has joined the Christmas Clawbell Choir, as you can see. The choir is preparing for an impressive debut at the Christmas Eve service, which is quite a challenge. MH has had ringing in her ears ever since this whole thing began. Annoying, but she is sure it will be worth it.

Enjoy your little window into Mother Hen’s world!

Mother Hen on Raising Chicks and Kids

Mother Hen has always wondered why humans call their young baby goats. People are a puzzling species.

Naturally, Mother H. has a few things to say about the matter of parenting. After all, when you’ve raised 263 hatchlings to be responsible hens and roosters, like she has, you will be quite the authority as well.

Rule Number One:

Never tell a young’un more than twice, tops.

Tell them once because, well, how else are they supposed to know? Tell them twice only to give them the benefit of the doubt. After all, they might have fluff in their ears and not have heard you the first time.

Continuing to cackle simply teaches the little beggars that they only have to move their precious tail feathers once Mama starts to really squawk. By that time, Mother is about to have a conniption, which is bad for her mental health.

Rule Number Two

To every action there is an equal (but not necessarily opposite) reaction.

If a young’un does the right thing, fuss. Do everything short of throwing a party in her honor. Sing her praises. Give her a high five. Put a sticker her chart. When parents fuss more about the negative than they do about the positive, guess which kind of behavior a little chickie will choose more?

If a young’un does the wrong thing, don’t fuss. Calmly enforce pre-determined consequences that fit the crime. Time outs, complete with a little egg timer are Mother H’s favorite. The trick is that the whole time out must be spent quietly by the little delinquent or the time starts over again. If that naughty little rooster hops away before his time is done, pick him up and put him back. After a good time out served, offer a hug. Mama still loves her baby even when he messes up, now doesn’t she? (Hint: The correct answer is yes.)

For bigger offences, there must be bigger consequences. Say your little chicken crosses the road, a definite no-no. Well, there is one hatchling who is going to have her freedom curtailed for a while!

Rule Number Three

Don’t threaten. Have rules, have consequences, and that it is that. However if you do by any chance threaten, make sure it is something that you are willing to follow through on, Mama and Papa.

Typical family conversation as overheard by Mother Hen:

Mama: Stop that, Junior! Put your little sister down, right now!

Mama: I’m warning you Junior! I am going to count to three!

Papa: Listen to your mother, Junior. [His eyes are glued to the game on TV.]

Mama: One! Two! Three! I’m not going to tell you again! That’s it: a week in the coop for you!

Junior: Awww, Mom!

Papa: Isn’t that a bit harsh, dear?

Mama: Well, okay. Go sit in the nest for three minutes, Junior.

Junior: Just give me a sec.

Mother: One…

Junior learned his lesson all right. He learned that parents don’t mean what they say, and that any consequence is negotiable.  Which lead us to:

Rule Number Four

Present a united front. If there is more than one parent, back each other up.

“Well, what if he’s wrong?” you say. Discuss it, later, away from the chicks. Remember, someday soon, you will want him to back you up!

Rule Number Five

Don’t lose it, and we all know what it is, don’t we? Our nasty bad tempers that’s what! When you lose it, you have lost, plain and simple. The little monsters have won. Need we say more? Mother Hen didn’t think so.

That’s all, at least until MH feels like it.