Posts Tagged ‘farm’

Mother Hen Faces Christmas

SHRI-E-E-E-E-E-K!!!!!!

Mother Hen has just realized that there are 10 more days until the big jolly fat guy gets stuck trying to get in the coop door! (No, she does not mean Father Rooster – she can hear you snickering out there people!)

Next to Easter, this is the busiest time of the year for the BUDS (Bunnies United Delivery Service) and boy, do they get cranky about now! If you have never tried to ship a package with a disgruntled rabbit, folks, it can get pretty ugly. Most of the farm animals keep a few carrots around for tipping, but everyone knows bunnies prefer chocolate.

Mother Hen has made her list and is checking it twice.

Father Rooster                                  Alarm Clock

Missy Hen                                          Feather Fluffer

Junior Rooster                                  Hungry, Hungry Hoggies game

Great-Aunt Henrietta                      Feather Duster

Farmer Brown                                  Bottle of Corn Liquor

Mrs. Farmer Brown                         Eau de Niblets Cologne

Santa Claws                                      Milk from Mrs. Bossie and popcorn

 

For those of you who are asking the burning question, “What do chickens put out for Santa instead of stockings?” Mother Hen has a simple answer. Rubber boots, of course! What do you think we wear when the farmyard gets mucky? (And believe MH, after the cow and the horse and the pig family have been out there, a chicken could use a pair of hip-waders, if you know what Mother means!)

If Mother Hen doesn’t get time to peck the keyboard again during this holiday season, which seems likely, she would like to wish all her loyal chicks, people and other assorted animal readers a blessed and merry Christmas, and all the best for the coming year!

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Cousin Lavinia’s Wedding

Mother Hen needed a few days to recover from the…ahem…excitement of Cousin Lavinia’s wedding reception before she could report back to her loyal readers, whom she is certain have been waiting breathlessly for her account of the festivities.

The bride wore white, which Mother Hen found very reassuring despite the fact that Lavinia and Harry’s three-week-old rooster, Ziggy, was the ringbearer.  In MH’s day, which becomes a progressively faint memory after one of these events, white meant something other than it complimented your feathers, if you know what Mother H. means, and she’s sure you do!

Anyway, Ziggy dropped the pillow with the rings about a half-dozen times (coordination does not run in Harry’s side of the family) and predictably Harry dropped the ring, but only twice. Mother Hen thought at the rate things were going it would become a winter wedding, but everyone made it through in the end.

A fall wedding means corn chowder and pumpkin pie for dinner, and Lavinia did not disappoint. Oh, and there were pumpkins everywhere! Pumpkins on the altar at the chapel, pumpkins holding open the doors, pumpkin-themed table decorations, and even pumpkin-shaped nametags which M H thought was a bit much. After all, everyone knows who Mother Hen is, and those sticky things tend to pull on the feathers.

Naturally Mother H. was up there grooving on the dance floor like it was 1999, and she showed those young folks how the chicken dance is really done! Father Rooster joined her for a rip-roaring polka, which of course had all the young’uns hollering for more. Still, dancing all night is best left to the chicklets, although if you ask Mother Hen, there was more than a little fermented corn syrup fueling the festivities as well!

Well, Mother’s claws and head are still a bit tender from whooping it up on Saturday, so she will bid all her good bloggy friends adieu. She wishes the new Mr. and Mrs. Harry Feathers all the best in their life together, and little Ziggy too!

 

Bon Voyage to Mort & Lexi: A Mother Hen Interview

MH: Mother Hen is here at the coop, interviewing travel experts Mort Gander and Lexi Goose, a couple who are preparing for their yearly trip south. Welcome back, Mr. Gander and Ms. Goose!

Lexi: A pleasure as always, Mother Hen.

MH: Where have you been spending your summer?

Lexi: There is a lovely park by the river in London…

MH: London, Ontario, Canada?

Lexi: Well of course, silly. We didn’t fly here all the way from the UK!

MH: Just trying to be clear for our readers.

Lexi: Anyway, it is called Springbank Park. Have you heard of it?

Mort: I didn’t see any bank.

Lexi: It’s over in the plaza, Mort. Anyway, we found a lovely spot under a willow tree…

Mort: About five flaps from the merry-go-round.

Lexi: Mort is fascinated by the merry-go-round.

Mort: It goes around and around and around, and a lady named Merry runs it.

MH: What is involved in getting ready for your big expedition?

Lexi: Well, we log a lot of air time strengthening our wings and practicing our V-shaped flying.

Mort: and we eat like pigs.

Lexi: What Mort means is that we do alter our caloric input in order to provide energy for our strenuous journey south.

Mort: and we eat like pigs.

MH: It must be very difficult to fly in V-formation with only the two of you.

Lexi: We do have to trade off positions more often, obviously.

Mort: We cheat.

Lexi: Mort, we do not “cheat,” for heaven’s sake! We have merely adapted our great tradition to meet our particular needs.

Mort: She means we cheat. A lot.

MH: How exactly do you plan your itinerary?

Mort: Our whatsit?

Lexi: We do like to take the scenic route whenever possible. Last year we found the cutest little B& B in a pond run by a Mallard duck.

Mort: And we hit all the McDonald’s. And Burger-Kings. And White Castles. Don’t forget those.

Lexi: Mort has an unfortunate addiction to fast food.

Mort: Ya, we have to move fast or we’ll be food. Ha!

MH: Hilarious. Are you heading back to Marry-land this year?

Lexi: Of course! Our honey-moon destination! It’s so romantic.

Mort: We don’t have to get married again, do we?

Lexi: Why? Wouldn’t you do it all over again, dear?

Mort: Um…let me think about that.

This concludes Mother Hen’s interview with…ahem… devoted couple and avid tourists Mort Gander and Lexi Goose.

Postscript: Postscript: This is Mother Hen’s close friend, Jodi. Springbank Park in London is home to what seems like a million geese in the summer. There is a merry-go-round in the park  but to the best of our knowledge it is not operated by anyone named Merry.

Mother Hen Goes to the Fair

Mother Hen has always maintained that the only intelligent way for a chicken to cross the road is in a truck, as God intended. Therefore when Farmer Brown decided to take Mother Hen to the Squawkalot County Fair, he did the sensible thing and did not ask her to walk. She traveled quite comfortably in a crate in the back of his pick-up, thank you very much.

All the other animals at the farm wanted to hear about what MH experienced, so she typed up the following notes.

Day 1

Settled nicely into straw at the bottom of crate. Pick-up is much more bumpy than it looks. Almost lost breakfast.

Fair is NOISY! Machines everywhere, spinning and tumbling and twisting enough to make you dizzy. Some make grinding sounds, others whir and all of them scream! True — every last one shrieks like Mrs. Farmer Brown that time she saw harmless little garter snake.

So many people feet!  Shoes that walked and garbage and gum and popcorn that MH could not reach, right in front of beak. Crate loaded onto metal platform with wheels, and went to Fair Barn. Little bit quieter here. Smells like farm.

Day 2

Bad night with hens cackling in sleep and pig on left snores. Friendly sheep on rope said there are prizes for best animals. Mother Hen hopes best chicken gets a 60” flatscreen as she could use new TV. Corn is okay here but no cola for MH. Guess Farmer B doesn’t want her to belch at judges.

Wait for judges. Wait some more for judges. See judges at snoring pig’s pen so preen. Wrong judges. Snooze while waiting for judges. Wake up to see red ribbon on crate!!! Can’t wait to see prize.

Hay, it says Biggest Chicken, 1st Prize! Not prettiest, or fanciest or best typist but Biggest! Must mean fluffiest in people-speak.

Hog next door has white ribbon. Ha, bet red is better than white!

Still haven’t seen prize. Must be saving it for home time.

Day 3

Back on rolling platform.  Oh good, going for  ride to see the sights!

No sights. No people. Still lots and lots of wrappers and sticky sticks and, hey, a cola can. Stop!

Dumb farmer doesn’t stop.

What! Back on the pickup? Where’s prize? Stupid farmer forgot MH’s prize!

Cough on dust. Eyes runny so closed. Straw stinks.

Back at farm all admire red ribbon. Mother Hen thinks will look nice on hat.

Think Farmer Brown stole 60″ TV. Take up with union.

Minutes of the Coop Improvement Association (CIA) Meeting

Coop Improvement Association (CIA)

 

Minutes

Today

9:00 AM

Farmer Brown’s Barnyard
 
   
Meeting called by Henny Penny  
Type of meeting Hen Session  
Facilitator Chickie Feathers  
Note taker Mother Hen  
Egg Timer Zelda Cluck  
Attendees Everyone Else  
   

Agenda topics

 

10  Minutes

Sky Falling

Henny Penny
 
Discussion Ms. Feathers notes that the sky is still in the same place as yesterday. Ms.  
Penny describes again her vision of the heavens collapsing, crushing all chickens underneath. Ms. Penny moves to  
construct underground shelters . Seconded by Ms. Scraper. Ms. Feathers says chickens are not rabbits.  
Conclusions Motion defeated. Motion made by Ms. Hen that a committee be struck to explore the  
feasibility of scratching out a burrow or two, to be chaired by Ms. Penny, and consisting of Ms. Scraper, Elly  
Egglayer and Bridie Bird. Seconded by Ms. Penny. Motion carried.  
Action items Person responsible Deadline  
Inquiries to be made as to hiring BUDS Bunnies Excavation Inc. Susie Scraper Whenever  
Weather patterns to be charted Bridie Bird Soon  
   

10 minutes

Egg Production

Elly Egglayer
 
Discussion Ms. Egglayer relays her concerns that egg production rates are way down from the    
previous summer. Corneilia  Chickenwire challenges Ms. Egglayer’s statistics, claiming that in her coop egglaying is  
up 21 %. Kerfuffle ensues. Mother Hen moves that new statistics be compiled, seconded by Ms. Chickenwire.  
Conclusions Motion carried. Committee struck to track and record egg production, chaired  
by Mother Hen to include Ms. Egglayer and Ms. Chickenwire. Motion passes, and condolences go to Ms. Hen.  
Ms. Penny suggests that Mrs. Farmer Brown may have accurate numbers, but she is squawked down.  
Action items Person responsible Deadline  
Check with Mrs. Brown anyway Henny Penny Right Away  
Egg production to be charted Corneilia Chickenwire Next Meeting  
       

10 minutes

CaCA Removal

Mother Hen
 
Discussion Ms. Hen claims that the coop area stinks, particularly the coop of a newlywed 
chick who does not understand the rules of caca management. JoJo Jumper objects to this insinuation,
suggesting that the caca of hens of a certain vintage stink more than that of youthful chickens. Bedlam ensues.
Conclusions Ms. Penny restores order, and moves that a committee be struck 
to promote coop maintenance and hygiene. Seconded by Ms. Hen, who offers to chair said committee.
Ms. Jumper objects.  Motion passed anyway.
Action items Person responsible Deadline
Post rules of coop maintenance Mother Hen ASAP
Post rules for caca removal Mother Hen Ditto
 

1 minute

motion to adjourn

JoJo Jumper
Discussion Ms. Jumper makes a motion to adjourn, or at least “end this crappy meeting.”
Zelda Cluck is tired of turning the egg timer, so she seconds the motion.  Motioned passed, Ms. Hen abstains
because she wants to talk more. Motion passed.  Someone wakes up Ms. Feathers and the meeting is adjourned.

The Latest Fashion in Chicken Wear!

As everyone knows, Mother Hen is not only the world’s foremost typing chicken, she is also a style icon among the poultry set. MH prides herself on staying abreast of the most recent couture for hens, so imagine how thrilled she was to discover HenSaver, which bills (yes, ducks can wear them too!) itself as “The Leader in Chicken Saddles.”

Don’t let the name fool you now: while the Chicken Saddle does have some practical applications, it is also known as a Hen Apron, and comes in variety of styles, sizes and colors! There is a particularly fetching camouflage version which should be all the rage among well-dressed roosters this season.

For those of you ladies who need a bit more support (you know who you are!) there is the Birdy Bra, a type of Crop Bra/Chest Protector that lifts (but does not separate). The Birdy Bra can guard against pecking as well, assists with certain chicken digestive conditions, and comes in four fashionable shades. There is even a Sherpa lining available, darlings! Again, roosters and other fowl will love them too. If you are one of those poor unfortunates at the bottom of the pecking order, this little number will give your social status (as well as your breast) a little boost.

Now, on a more sensitive note, for chickens and roosters with…ahem…incontinence problems, and indoor pet chickens (imagine!), there is the Hen Holster, which is an attractive combined harness/diaper combo.  No one will ever know that you are sporting that fetching little red bandana in case of oopsies!

There is even a sporty little add-on with owl-eye circles for the chicken who prefers a casual look.

When you see a gorgeous chick strutting around in a HenSaver ensemble, remember that you saw it here at Mother Hen’s Nest first! Toodle-oo, chickies!

This is an unsolicited endorsement by Mother Hen. Product may not be exactly as illustrated.

Mother Hen Goes Out On a Limb

(Or Animal Farm, Part 2)

When one is taking a chance, one is said to be “going out on a limb.”

When one is faced with delivering an ultimatum, it is wise to stay, shall we say, out of harm’s way

Being no dummy, then, MH chose to go out on a limb both literally and metaphorically when the tyrant Farmer Brown, rather than negotiate in good faith with the farm’s striking animals, chose instead to play hardball. As the representative of the combined Chickens & Roosters of the World (CROW) and United Animal Workers (UAW) unions, Mother Hen was charged with delivering the bad news.

“What are ya doin’ up there, Mama Hen?”

“Shhh, Junior! Your mother is trying to be important.”

“Let us never forget that we are comrades united in a noble struggle to assert the dignity of domesticated creatures. We shall not be divided! No matter what comes, we shall never, ever allow management to turn animal against animal, cows against pigs or pigs against poultry. Especially not cows or pigs against poultry.”

“What’s she sayin’? I got mud in my ear.”

“Somethin’  about cows n’ pigs bein’ against poultry, Mz.  Hog.”

“Unfortunately, Farmer Brown does not appreciate us, or acknowledge our reasonable demands, never mind our unreasonable demands.”

“Down with Brown! Down with Brown! Down with Brown!”

“He has said no to a democratic council of elected animals! “

“Bahhed Farmer!”

“He has said no to air-conditioning in the workplace!”

Whaat a quack!”

“And he has said no to improved feed…”

“Mooo-re grain!”

“and-in-fact-he-says-no-food-get-back-to-work-or-starve-so-there’s-a-motion-to-end-the-strike-Father-Rooster-seconds-the-motion-all-in-favor-carried. Bye!”

“Hay, where’d she go?”

“Come bahh-ck you coward! “

“Mother Hen is a chicken chicken!”

“I moo-ve Mother Hen be re-mooved from leadership!”

As she was mentioning, Mother Hen is no dummy, so she retreated to the coop to lay as many eggs as possible so Farmer Brown will fill the corn bin. After all, she has a lot of little beaks to feed.

If you come around, knock to the beat of the Chicken Dance so she will know it is safe to unbarricade the door.

Animal Farm, Mother Hen Style

We did it! Chickens and Roosters of the World (CROW) and United Animal Workers (UAW) have joined forces to overthrow the tyrannical despot, Farmer Brown, and replace his rule with a democratic council of elected animals. (Failing that, we’ll settle for air-conditioning in the workplace and a higher grade of feed, but don’t tell the brutal dictator that! Thanks!) Naturally Mother Hen is strike coordinator, so she put together a little ditty for the striking workers.

Animal Solidarity Fight Song

(C’mon, sing it out loud! You know you want to.)

Farmer Brown, he had a farm,

(Animals on strike)

But Mother Hen raised the alarm.

(Animals on strike)

With a picket here, and a picket there,

Here a piglet, there a picket,

Everywhere a piglet picket,

Farmer Brown once ruled the farm,

(Animals on strike)

 

All you ducks, now make some noise,

(‘Cause you are on strike)

Act like you are duck decoys,

(‘Cause you are on strike)

With a quack quack here and a flap flap there

Here a duck there a duck

Everywhere a duck amok

Face the tyrant who employs.

He we will out-psych!

 

Hey you chicks, get off your duffs

(Act like you’re on strike!)

Raise a racket, stir up fluffs,

(Hey hens, you’re on strike!)

With a cluck cluck here, and some raw eggs there,

Throw a couple, lay a couple,

Everybody on the double!

Brown come closer if you dare!

(Face the chicks on strike)

 

Cows, go poop on Farmer’s lane

(Show him we’re on strike!)

Mark his yard as our domain.

(Aim for his dirt bike.)

With a moo moo here and some poo poo there

Here’s some poop, there’s some poop,

Everywhere there’s poop goop.

Join us in our grand campaign!

(Animals on strike!)

 

 

 

Mother Hen Buys the Farm

When Mother Hen wins the lottery (which seems to be difficult if one does not play), life at the farm will change for the better, you betcha!

She doesn’t know if you, dear readers, are aware that when one owns a farm, that makes you the boss. Yes, really! Farmer Brown figures that just because it is his farm he can run it however he pleases. Chickensh…Horse Manure!

When Mother Hen owns the farm, things will be different!

Top Ten Reasons the Farm Will Rock With Mother Hen in Charge

10. Mother Hen will be in charge. That rocks!

9. Dogs and other wolves will be on restraining orders and restraining leashes at all times.

8. A non-violence clause will be added to every cat’s contract.

7. Pigs will be required to keep a clean sty and learn to fly.

6. Coops will be professionally decorated immediately after they are professionally built.

5. There will be movie nights every Friday, with free popcorn for all.

4. Three new gliders would be purchased so chickens could soar like eagles.

3. Two widescreen TVs with satellite will be added to the barn so everyone can watch Animal Planet.

2. All animals will be paid according to weight, say about $2.99 a pound.

1. Big shiny transport trucks are to be completely banned from the farm. No animals will be forced to leave the farm EVER!!!!!

Wouldn’t it be wonderful? Now imagine how cool the world would be with Mother Hen in charge! Well, a chicken can dream, can’t she?

Now, all Mother H. needs to do is to find a lottery ticket somewhere.

Robins and Spring: An Exclusive Mother Hen Weather Report

 (Translation from Robinspeak provided by MHN Translation Services)  

 “It ain’t Springs ‘til the fat robin sings.”

Grandma Hen, may she rest in peace, used to say that every year about the beginning of March, when there would be a thaw and all the chicks would get all hepped up about winter ending. She knew that in Canada – even here in the southernmost part – the weather plays hide-and-seek  until at least the beginning of April.

Spring is no lady, you see. In fact, she is a dreadful tease.

This year, even the robins were fooled.

Two of Mother Hen’s distant red-breasted relatives were quarrelling on the coop-yard fence posts yesterday about that very thing.

“Walter, I told you it was too soon to come North, but noooo…’the groundhog said’ you said…”

“Grover Groundhog is a top-notch authority on climate change, and he stated unequivocally that it would be six weeks until spring. Six weeks: February 2nd to February 9th, February 9th to…”

“Don’t you dare start counting on your feathers again! Look around Walt, and tell me what you see.”

“I saw grass just the other day, and the daffodils were starting to…”

“NOW Walter, what do you see NOW?”

“Okay, so it is a bit white, but I’m sure that by next week it will be spring.”

“By next week I will have frozen half my tail feathers off, Walt. Half! I haven’t even had a chance to start a nest!”

“Gladys, I’m sure you will be fine. Robins are a hardy species who have lasted thousands of years, since the days of our ancestors…”

“Don’t you dare start a history lesson with me, mister! You want to hear about thousands? I just flew thousands of miles with a belly full of eggs, I’m due any time, and I want spring now!”

“I’ll see what I can do.”

Mrs. Gladys then puffed up, spread her wings, and took one more shot.

“You call yourself a leader! There’s an election coming up, and I am hereby announcing my candidacy for Head Robin!”  She then achieved lift-off.

“Hormones!” muttered Mr. Walter.

I can still hear you!

Now, some of you more delicate hens might make a case that Mother Hen should not have been eavesdropping, or more accurately, fence post dropping, but she could hardly have avoided hearing the screeching and squawking outside when her head was resting against the coop wall.

Anyway, a diligent reporter must always be alert for the latest news. Who knows, they could have been spies for the Bunnies United Delivery Service (BUDS).  One never knows, does one?