Posts Tagged ‘fashion’

The Latest Fashion in Chicken Wear!

As everyone knows, Mother Hen is not only the world’s foremost typing chicken, she is also a style icon among the poultry set. MH prides herself on staying abreast of the most recent couture for hens, so imagine how thrilled she was to discover HenSaver, which bills (yes, ducks can wear them too!) itself as “The Leader in Chicken Saddles.”

Don’t let the name fool you now: while the Chicken Saddle does have some practical applications, it is also known as a Hen Apron, and comes in variety of styles, sizes and colors! There is a particularly fetching camouflage version which should be all the rage among well-dressed roosters this season.

For those of you ladies who need a bit more support (you know who you are!) there is the Birdy Bra, a type of Crop Bra/Chest Protector that lifts (but does not separate). The Birdy Bra can guard against pecking as well, assists with certain chicken digestive conditions, and comes in four fashionable shades. There is even a Sherpa lining available, darlings! Again, roosters and other fowl will love them too. If you are one of those poor unfortunates at the bottom of the pecking order, this little number will give your social status (as well as your breast) a little boost.

Now, on a more sensitive note, for chickens and roosters with…ahem…incontinence problems, and indoor pet chickens (imagine!), there is the Hen Holster, which is an attractive combined harness/diaper combo.  No one will ever know that you are sporting that fetching little red bandana in case of oopsies!

There is even a sporty little add-on with owl-eye circles for the chicken who prefers a casual look.

When you see a gorgeous chick strutting around in a HenSaver ensemble, remember that you saw it here at Mother Hen’s Nest first! Toodle-oo, chickies!

This is an unsolicited endorsement by Mother Hen. Product may not be exactly as illustrated.

Mother Hen Poses a Question

 Lady GaGa (on American Idol) and Cruella Deville  

 Separated at Birth????

                                     

Mother Hen’s Eggstraordinary Oscar Pecks

Mother H. knows you are all fed up to your wattles with every Tom, Dick and Henrietta projecting who will win an Oscar, not to mention declaring who should win. Heaven knows Mother Hen has had her fill.

Rest easy then, dear chicks, that your Mama Hen will not be bothered with such trivial matters. No, she is getting right to the important stuff inquiring chickens want to know.

Most likely to lay an egg

Anne Hathaway, no contest

For anyone who has been under a rock digging for grubs, Ms. Hathaway is an Oscar co-host. This is what she had to say this week about the scintillating performance we should expect.

          I think that humor is really difficult to pull off, and I’m not particularly

          adept at it. I wouldn’t feel comfortable doing it. Also, I don’t mean to

          sound overly serious, but I am the youngest host in history and I have

          no business being cynical or calling anyone out. I certainly haven’t

          earned the right to do that.

Isn’t she sweet? Aren’t you so ready for her to flop like a hound dog after a fox hunt? The only question that remains is, how many eggs and how big.

Most likely to look fabulous, darling.

It’s a tough race that could go to a number of worthy candidates.

Nominees:

Angelina Jolie, for making it look like she isn’t trying

Jennifer Lopez, for best booty on an actress/singer/TV host

Jennifer Aniston, for legs that go up to there and the tendency to show them off

Nicole Kidman, for consistency, consistency, consistency

Natalie Portman, for best preggers outfit

Halle Berry, for how in the heck can she go wrong looking like that?

And the award goes to:  Nicole Kidman, because she hasn’t failed us yet

Most Likely to Look Like the Housecats Dragged Her In

Again, a tough category, mostly because it depends on which flakes actually got invited.

Nominees:

                Demi Moore, for taking the least advantage of her advantages.

                Charlize Theron, for too much of a good thing is a bad thing, dear

                Helena Bonham Carter, for best “Night of the Living Dead”

                Sarah Jessica Parker, for least flattering fashionista

                Tilda Swinton, for looking like a guy in drag

Of course, all bets are off if Lady Gaga shows up for some reason. Just give her the award, already!

Otherwise, the award goes to: Tilda Swinton, for never under any circumstances wearing make-up, and looking completely unfeminine

Most Likely to Rock the Red Carpet, Old School

Nominees:

Helen Mirren, for beating back the crappy reputation of Brits in fashion

Meryl Streep, for being Meryl Streep

NOT Annette Bening because no matter what that woman wears, her hair will still look like a bird’s nest (and Mother Hen should know!).

And the award goes to: Both Ms. Mirren and Ms. Streep, because Mother Hen just can’t peck one

Most Likely to be the Funniest Presenter

Nominees:

Robert Downey Jr., because dang Mother Hen wishes he was hosting

Sandra Bullock, for her willingness to do almost anything for a laugh (even marry Jesse James)

Jeff Bridges, for his aw, shucks, I’m just happy to be here attitude

Tom Hanks, for being funny and classy at the same time, which is a tough gig

Russell Brand, for looking funny and being almost as outrageous as Ricky Gervais

And the award goes to: Robert Downey Jr., for his hilarious comments at the Golden Globes

On a sad note, Mother Hen is devastated that her invitation didn’t arrive again this year. She suspects the housecats, who like to shred things, but Buster the hound is not beyond suspicion either. He can slobber anything into a gooey mess in 10 seconds flat.

Enjoy the show, my dear little chiclets! Afterwards, Mother Hen would love to hear which humans, in your opinions, deserve her awards.

Mother Hen Takes On Victoria’s Not-So Secret!

Okay, ladies, try not to get too excited! The big day is here!

Tonight is the Victoria’s Secret “Fashion Show!”  Heaven help us all!

With the possible exception of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit edition, surely the most blatant public display of female flesh outside of porn magazines and videos is this parade of “angels” on CBS. (The real angels must be weeping.)

Mother Hen must say no self-respecting chicken would trot around unfeathered in such a shameless manner. They would rather die first!

Do women actually watch this garbage, or is it only male humans, drooling all over their remotes like basset hounds sniffing kibble?  Please tell Mother H. that none of you, her precious chicks, patronize this foolishness!

Repeat after MH:

These are not real women. These are creatures altered by scalpel, air-brushing, padding, starvation, make-up, flattering lens filters and angled shots

We will not compare ourselves to these live mannequins.

We will refuse to patronize Victoria’s Secret stores, online or storefront, until they stop this sexist nonsense.

We will do everything in our power to convince the male humans sharing our coops not to watch this atrocity. When they view this or any other objectification of our fair sex, it degrades their opinion of all females, including us.

Labeling this underwear pageant a fashion show is an insult to genuine fashion.

Please understand Mother Hen, dearies. She is not concerned at all with what you do in the privacy of your own nest, or what you choose to wear underneath your clothing when out and about. No, no, no, Mother is not a total prude, despite her genteel demeanor. 

What galls MH is the promotion of underwear as outerwear, and the attempt to normalize scantily clad women prancing across our TV screens by labeling it as fashion. As if the soaps and dramas and movies weren’t already bad enough!

Victoria’s Secret’s eggstravaganza has as little to do with fashion as SI’s swimsuit edition has to do with sports. The saddest thing is that this particular display is funded by other women, everyday women, every time they make a purchase from VS.  We have the power to stop this madness, ladies. Let your money go to retailers who show respect for the females of this world, and leave Victoria’s Secret’s “angels” out shivering in the cold where they belong! The “girlcot” is on!

Mother Hen Presents: The Marbles for Vanity Fair Campaign

Mother Hen is completely gobsmacked (otherwise known as utterly astounded).
She never dreamed that she would use that term in connection with herself, but there it is. What, you ask, has brought MH to such a state of shock and incredulity?
Shocker #1  Lady Gaga is on Vanity Fair‘s best dressed list!
Unbelievable! Mother Hen thought that she had seen all the potentially ridiculous displays that modern fashion could devise, but since when does a woman who attends a baseball game with her bra in full view merit a commendation for personal style?
Next Mother supposes that the drug-crazed street-walker look that Gaga sports will be on the racks in the kiddie aisles at Wal-Mart!

 What? It is already there? Excuse Mother Hen while she reaches for her smelling salts!

Beware all motorists! Eyesight reducing Mardi Gras masks will heretofore be worn in all seasons. Exercise extreme caution! Oh wait, Mother Hen forgot — all the car drivers of the world are wearing them as well. Well, Mother can assure you that this is one chicken who will not be caught crossing the road any time soon!

Shocker #2  Lady Gaga is not only on Vanity Fair‘s best dressed list, she is on the COVER of the Best Dressed Edition.

The only thing saving Mother Hen from a complete apoplectic fit is the amazing irony of it all: Gaga, who is supposedly so well coutured, sports not one apparent stitch of clothing as she poses on the best dressed cover!

The fashionistas at VF have, quite clearly, completely lost their marbles. That being apparent, Mother Hen would like to suggest that we all send them any we can spare, even if just one, in their hour of need.

Address your marbles to:

Mr. Graydon Carter

Editor-in-Chief, Vogue Magazine,

c/o The Conde Nast, Inc.

4 Times Square, 7th Floor,

New York, NY 10o36

Please include a short note explaining why his fashion editors are in need of your marbles (as if it isn’t obvious enough!).

Thank you for supporting this worthy cause!

Yours sartorially,

Mother Hen

UPDATE:  Tee-hee-hee!!! Lady Gaga wore a meat dress to the VMAs!!! Now Vanity Fair really does have egg on its collective faces!!!! Keep those marbles coming people — the fashionistas at VF are in dire need!

Mother Hen Goes Gaga!!!

 Mother Hen tries to be a hip, with-it chick, or whatever it is that they call it these days.

She has survived mini-skirts so short one dared not drink from a school water fountain, lest all the boys see the fountain of youth, endured the agony of repeatedly spraining her delicate ankles falling off of six-inch platform shoes, and even participated in dying her little rooster’s feathers a delightful shade of Smurf blue. She may be an old Mother, but she danced the Hustle with the best of them back in her day.

Many of the unfortunate but hysterically amusing trends MH has observed have since been replicated over time, some becoming positively redundant in their refusal to disappear. She disdainfully refers to the annual re-introduction of the nautical look in spring, plaid patterns in the fall, and animal print fabrics in the winter, as examples of bad trends gone worse through over-use. (Take a hint, fashion mavens!)

Another sad but true reality, is that when an original voice, a true innovator, passes either from public view, or onto that great catwalk in the sky, imitators abound. Mother Hen would calmly and patiently like to explain to subsequent generations that there will only ever be one Coco Chanel, one Marilyn Monroe, and one Audrey Hepburn. Now get busy finding your own icons, you little imposters, and leave ours alone! There, Mother feels much better.

 Similarly, once a great entertainer has reached the vertigo-inducing heights of stardom, then begins to “jump the shark,” as it were, the search for the next great whosit begins. Who will be the next Elvis, the next John Lennon, the next Michael Jackson….well, no one, you silly geese!* If the next big thing was like the last big thing, it would only be the next small thing.

Having gone all the way around for a shortcut, this brings Mother Hen, sorrowfully, to the subject of Lady Gaga. The blasphemous Roman Catholic references, skimpy attire, provocative dancers…hmm, where has Mother Hen seen this all before?

Let Mother state the plain truth here: Lady Gaga is no Madonna, whom she is most evidently trying to be. This woman might as well have named herself Lady Yadayadayada, she is so completely a reiteration of someone who has gone before her.

Is she talented? Undoubtedly. Original? Not a chance. Does she get a lot of attention from being outrageous? Sigh! Even Mother Hen is compelled to write about her. Need more be said?

Gaga dear, take a little advice from an old chick who has been around the barnyard once or twice. Nobody loves a wannabe. Be yourself, or get a new gig.

*with apologies to fracas