Posts Tagged ‘funny’

Animal Jeopardy

Mother Hen luuuvvves Alex Trebek – mostly because he’s Canadian but also because he has been hosting Jeopardy for absolutely forever, and it’s MH’s favorite game show!

There is just one thing missing to make Jeopardy perfect. There is a college version and a celebrity version and a high school version—but where’s the animal version, for heaven’s sake? Mother Hen would be sure to clean up, what with her experience pushing buttons and her legendary mastery of the Internet.

Here are a few suggestions, in case those game show people need a few hints.

Some eggcellent categories might be:

Animals in Literature – e.g. Animal Farm, The Incredible Journey, Black Beauty, Three Little Pigs, Moby Dick

Four-Legged Stars of Film—eg. Lassie, Morris the Cat, Uggie

Herd Sweet Herd—names of animal groupings

Tracks Without Trains—identify animal footprints

Gone But Not Forgotten—extinct animals

Humans and Their Habitats

Fine Feathered Friends—types of birds

Alex, dear, Mother Hen is ready and waiting for your call!

Mother Hen Presents…The Descendents

Mother Hen Presents…is an occasional series in which your favorite typing chicken writes about things she may or may not have seen, heard or read.

First, a confession…Mother Hen loves George Clooney. He could only be more perfect if he was a rooster.

Now that her bias is declared, let’s take a look at this movie called The Descendents, shall we?

Where to start? There is this bratty kid who is a girl but named Scotty sort of but not exactly like the terrier dog or that guy from Star Trek. There’s an insolent, rebellious teen who is also a girl named Alex which just goes to show you can never tell by a name these days.

Then there is George, who plays Matt or Matty or Dad (whatever) who is all messed up because his wife is in a coma, and he can’t deal with his mouthy daughters and his wife has a  secret but Mother Hen can’t tell you about that because it is a spoiler and Mother H. is not a party-pooper. No sir, no poopin’ on parties for this chicken!

There is also this dufus teen boy who hangs around Alex for the entire movie whose only purpose in life is to say incredibly stupid things and add “dude” whenever possible. Is he Alex’s boyfriend? It’s a mystery, which simply means Mother Hen can’t figure it out either.

The best actor in the whole movie may be the chick who plays the wife because she does a great comatose imitation, but does anybody nominate her for an Oscar? No siree-bob! Like it is supposed to be easy lying there with your beak hanging open and not drooling or something. MH was watching like a hawk and she never saw a blink—not once! Amazing stuff that!

Anyway our buddy George did get nominated, which Mother Hen can hardly object to because he does cry on cue and everything, plus he never punches the dufus which takes an awful lot of self-control if you ask her.

Oh, Mother almost forgot to mention that Beau Bridges is also in the movie, which would be easy to overlook because they only throw him a bit part, but he does such a great deal with it that he deserves a shout-out anyhow. He ain’t a looker like George but he is a good ol’ boy and all.

Now comes the moment of truth. Is The Descendants a fantastic, life-changing and/or side-splitting movie? Nope, but it is worth seeing because there are so many great performances, including the young’uns, who need their mouths washed out with soap but otherwise do a bang-up job.

Mother Hen gives this movie three and a quarter eggs, which is rather messy but about right.

 

Ode to a Certain Groundhog

Phil, you’re famous far and wide

You peek your furry mug outside

To say if winter still will blow

For six more weeks: will there be snow?

 

Now Mother Hen ain’t one to tell

A pro a subject he knows well

But your approach (it seems) is flawed

‘Cause don’t you think that it is odd

 

 

That when you see your shadow, guy

Which means the sun is in the sky

That’s s’posed to mean that Spring is late

When it should mean an early date?

 

Look up, oh hog and see the sun

The grass is green and winter’s done

There are no snowflakes in the air

(Although it’s true the trees go bare.)

 

A shadow, Phil, should mean that Spring

Is closer still, if anything

So change your forecast, be a pal

And raise this chicken’s poor morale!

Cooptown Chickens

Cooptown Chickens

The Cooptown chickens sing this song

No eggs! No eggs!

Ah, the Cooptown yard is one barn long

Not layin’ eggs today!

Goin’ to cluck all night, goin’ to cluck all day,

Well if Farmer Brown won’t give us more

These chickens ain’t gonna lay!

 

The Cooptown roosters sing this song

No fair! No fair!

Ah, the Cooptown roofs they need repair

‘Cause they leak today!

Goin’ to crow all night, goin’ to crow all day,

We’ll drive the Browns around the bend

Just so they won’t delay!

 

Well, our union, the Chickens and Roosters Of the World (CROW) is at it again: fighting for the rights of everyday hens! We will not be taken for granted!

The cry has been raised! More yard! Patched roofs! Better feed!

As usual, Mother Hen is out there in the thick of things, handing out picket signs and rallying the troops.  Management (that would be Farmer Brown and company) refuses to budge on our reasonable demands, but wait until they listen to crowing and cackling 24/7! Then they will come to the bargaining trough soon enough!

What’s that? A lockout? He wouldn’t d… Oh, poop! This is Mother Hen, reporting live (and kicking) from the scene of the strike, heading out to check on new developments in the CROW strike at Farmer Brown’s.

Mother Hen Presents…Alcatraz

Ah- ha! Bet you thought Mother Hen wouldn’t review this one!

For the record, MH has very eclectic taste…which means that she will watch just about anything.

Anyway, Alcatraz is this new TV show which is about the Rock – not the movie actor guy, but the prison that they call the Rock because it is on a rock. It’s not your ordinary, garden-variety kind of rock, like a stone or a pebble, so it doesn’t have itsy-bitsy prisoners or anything, which is a shame.

It’s kind of scary and kind of spooky and it’s made by that fella who came up with Lost, which is a whole nother show, so don’t get them confused, which you might because that big man with the pony-tail is in both.

The whole deal with this prison is that it was supposed to have been shut down ages ago, when Mother Hen was a spring chicken and a bunch of beetles made up this band and…not that that makes MH old or anything. The thing is, all these awfully bad men really just disappeared and everyone was told that the prison was closed in order to cover it up, not like with a blanket, but to fool people.

Now the prisoners are all coming back and here’s the spooky part. Are you ready? They aren’t any older than they were when they went missing. Cool, right? Mother Hen would like to know that trick!

Now a pretty detective and the pony-tail guy and a creepy dude who used to be a guard are trying to track these young/old criminals because they are killing people again, not then but now.

There are lots of prisoners and guards who went missing which means the head honchos of the Alcatraz show are all set ( if this thing is a hit) to keep those nasty men coming for years to come.

Mother Hen gives this show four golden eggs, which means why not watch it. It’s pretty good.

Mother Hen Brings in 2012!

Mother Hen wishes all of her chicks the happiest New Year in 2012!

Hope you all had a lovely New Year’s Eve watching the egg drop on New Year’s Clucking Eve with Ryan Seagull and Dick Bark! Apparently Lady BaBa was on in a scandalous outfit with almost no wool (as expected) and Justin Beaver thrilled all the little chicklets by touching their itty-bitty wings with his paw. What a young heartbreaker he is, and Canadian too! Ahh, if Mother Hen was still a wee chick…

MH is glad all the Coop Family are safe and warm in the coop, as the first serious snowstorm of the season has arrived. For those of you living in sunnier climes, this means that if you go outside without a heavy jacket on your will lose half your feathers and be covered in gooseflesh! Have you ever been in a walk-in freezer? Add a large fan throwing ice pellets at your beak, and you are starting to get the idea.

MH can just barely make out where the barn is when she looks out the coop window because of all the blowing snow. It is a good day to stay home, pop some corn, and have some hot chocolate or tea.

Mother Hen Manages the World Economy

Mother Hen has always advocated for good household management, especially when it comes to financial matters, which is why it is time for her to turn her attention to the world’s current economic woes. There are rules that govern the Coop Family’s budget that certain countries like Grease, Spam, Ironland , and even the good ol’ US of A could learn from.

Here we go!

Don’t count your chickens until they’re hatched.

Basically, if you ain’t got it yet, you ain’t got it. No guessing, no hoping, no borrowing the neighbors’ chicks to make it look good to Farmer Brown or anyone else. That’s how overpopulation happens, but that’s another kettle of fish. Sooner or later you have to give those chicks back, and then look how much feed it’s going to cost you!

 Always keep a nest egg, and add to it every week.

Oh, it’s always tempting to have company for dinner and show off your best bib and tucker, but if you eat all your feed in the fall, what is going to keep you through the winter? Just one visit from Mr. & Mrs. Hogg may provide you with a hop up that social ladder, but expensive! Always keep some aside, just in case.

Or in other words, if you want to keep the wolf from the door, you’d better not entertain pigs!

 Be careful when you feather your nest.

Dear ones, no one loves a comfy coop like Mother Hen! Let’s face it, feather pillows, feather quilts, feather boas…she adores them all.

The problem is that you still have to cover your butt, people. Nothing says poverty like a straggly-looking hen with gooseflesh hanging out. It gets mighty cold in the winter when your backside is bare!

Don’t be so busy struttin’ your stuff that you run out of stuffing to strut with!

  Do more than just scratch out a living.

If you are just bringing in enough to get by, you aren’t bringing in enough to get by! Find ways to haul in more, for heaven’s sake!  For instance, Father Rooster has a second job as the school alarm. Mother Hen thanks to her unique, specialized and remarkable abilities is a part-time writer, and that’s not just chickenfeed, folks. (Okay it is, but it shouldn’t be!)

All those You’reAPeein’ countries need to shake a tail feather and get their rears in gear! Even the Americans need to quite singing Yankee Doodle Dandee, stick a feather in their caps, and coop-erate, for heaven’s sake, before all their chickens come home to roost, since their rafters are full already!

 

This has been a public service announcement from Mother Hen’s Nest.

 

Mother Hen Puts Christmas In Its Place

Dear Chicks,

Mother Hen loves Christmas – in December!

She does not approve of Christmas beginning on the 1st of November.

In the spirit of the season (which happens to be fall, darn it!), Mother H. has the following demands suggestions:

Let’s all wait until every last leaf is on the ground before using the four-letter “s” word , the one for that fluffy white stuff that comes all too soon as it is.

No Santa Claus commercials until after the Santa Claus parades are over.

Anyone who turns on their Christmas lights before November 15 has volunteered to have their front yard covered with rotting, smashed Jack O’Lanterns.

No Christmas muzak before…oh, heck, let’s make it until chickens have lips!

Anyone who says “Merry Christmas” in the next three weeks will be should have must not…just don’t do it, okay? Mother Hen may have a conniption, and believe her, that ain’t pretty!

Let’s all rip out every Christmas advertisement from all our magazines (including Mother Hen’s favorite, Chicken Scratches, The Magazine for Superior Hens) and send them back to where they came from! That is unless they have scrumptious recipes for grub omelets, in which case just cut them out and turn down the holiday side.

Christmas shopping should be banned postponed restricted to…oh, dang it, any shopping is good shopping, right?

Now that we have the ground rules established, chickies, Mother Hen expects all of you to behave accordingly. After all, we must have standards, people!

Determinedly yours,

Mother Hen

Cousin Lavinia’s Wedding

Mother Hen needed a few days to recover from the…ahem…excitement of Cousin Lavinia’s wedding reception before she could report back to her loyal readers, whom she is certain have been waiting breathlessly for her account of the festivities.

The bride wore white, which Mother Hen found very reassuring despite the fact that Lavinia and Harry’s three-week-old rooster, Ziggy, was the ringbearer.  In MH’s day, which becomes a progressively faint memory after one of these events, white meant something other than it complimented your feathers, if you know what Mother H. means, and she’s sure you do!

Anyway, Ziggy dropped the pillow with the rings about a half-dozen times (coordination does not run in Harry’s side of the family) and predictably Harry dropped the ring, but only twice. Mother Hen thought at the rate things were going it would become a winter wedding, but everyone made it through in the end.

A fall wedding means corn chowder and pumpkin pie for dinner, and Lavinia did not disappoint. Oh, and there were pumpkins everywhere! Pumpkins on the altar at the chapel, pumpkins holding open the doors, pumpkin-themed table decorations, and even pumpkin-shaped nametags which M H thought was a bit much. After all, everyone knows who Mother Hen is, and those sticky things tend to pull on the feathers.

Naturally Mother H. was up there grooving on the dance floor like it was 1999, and she showed those young folks how the chicken dance is really done! Father Rooster joined her for a rip-roaring polka, which of course had all the young’uns hollering for more. Still, dancing all night is best left to the chicklets, although if you ask Mother Hen, there was more than a little fermented corn syrup fueling the festivities as well!

Well, Mother’s claws and head are still a bit tender from whooping it up on Saturday, so she will bid all her good bloggy friends adieu. She wishes the new Mr. and Mrs. Harry Feathers all the best in their life together, and little Ziggy too!

 

Heading to a Wedding

Oooooh, Mother Hen loves weddings! After all, what’s not to like, there’s romance, drama, suspense, comedy — the whole kitandcaboodle all rolled into one!

What cute memory will the flowergirl make when she goes completely off script?

What will the fashions be for the bride, the bridesmaids, and all the female guests?

How about the four D’s: decorations, dinner, dessert and dancing? Mother Hen loves to dance! She can really cut a rug for a hen of her…station in life.

Who will imbibe a little too much corn syrup and make an interesting spectacle of his or her self?

Mother Hen will report back with complete coverage of second-cousin-once-removed Lavinia’s wedding on the next Mother Hen’s Nest. Stay tuned for all the details!