Posts Tagged ‘kids’

Bon Voyage to Mort & Lexi: A Mother Hen Interview

MH: Mother Hen is here at the coop, interviewing travel experts Mort Gander and Lexi Goose, a couple who are preparing for their yearly trip south. Welcome back, Mr. Gander and Ms. Goose!

Lexi: A pleasure as always, Mother Hen.

MH: Where have you been spending your summer?

Lexi: There is a lovely park by the river in London…

MH: London, Ontario, Canada?

Lexi: Well of course, silly. We didn’t fly here all the way from the UK!

MH: Just trying to be clear for our readers.

Lexi: Anyway, it is called Springbank Park. Have you heard of it?

Mort: I didn’t see any bank.

Lexi: It’s over in the plaza, Mort. Anyway, we found a lovely spot under a willow tree…

Mort: About five flaps from the merry-go-round.

Lexi: Mort is fascinated by the merry-go-round.

Mort: It goes around and around and around, and a lady named Merry runs it.

MH: What is involved in getting ready for your big expedition?

Lexi: Well, we log a lot of air time strengthening our wings and practicing our V-shaped flying.

Mort: and we eat like pigs.

Lexi: What Mort means is that we do alter our caloric input in order to provide energy for our strenuous journey south.

Mort: and we eat like pigs.

MH: It must be very difficult to fly in V-formation with only the two of you.

Lexi: We do have to trade off positions more often, obviously.

Mort: We cheat.

Lexi: Mort, we do not “cheat,” for heaven’s sake! We have merely adapted our great tradition to meet our particular needs.

Mort: She means we cheat. A lot.

MH: How exactly do you plan your itinerary?

Mort: Our whatsit?

Lexi: We do like to take the scenic route whenever possible. Last year we found the cutest little B& B in a pond run by a Mallard duck.

Mort: And we hit all the McDonald’s. And Burger-Kings. And White Castles. Don’t forget those.

Lexi: Mort has an unfortunate addiction to fast food.

Mort: Ya, we have to move fast or we’ll be food. Ha!

MH: Hilarious. Are you heading back to Marry-land this year?

Lexi: Of course! Our honey-moon destination! It’s so romantic.

Mort: We don’t have to get married again, do we?

Lexi: Why? Wouldn’t you do it all over again, dear?

Mort: Um…let me think about that.

This concludes Mother Hen’s interview with…ahem… devoted couple and avid tourists Mort Gander and Lexi Goose.

Postscript: Postscript: This is Mother Hen’s close friend, Jodi. Springbank Park in London is home to what seems like a million geese in the summer. There is a merry-go-round in the park  but to the best of our knowledge it is not operated by anyone named Merry.

Back-To-School with Mother Hen

Mother Hen realizes that down there in the US of A, some kidlets head back to school in August.  Up here in Canada-Eh, little chicks and roosters return to the classroom after Labour Day. (Yes, that is how it is spelled here. Get over it.)

That means that MH still has a couple of weeks to get her feathers together and make sure that Missy Hen and Junior Rooster are suitably outfitted and raring, well, okay, ready to go.

Here is the Game Plan.

Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday Sunday
15 Ask Father Rooster to get the Supply List from the school.  16 Ask Missy Hen to get the Supply List from the school.   17 Take Junior Rooster to get the Supply List from the school. 18 Read the Supply List.Freak out!(Why does a Grade 3 rooster need a protractor set ANYWAY? To poke his neighbour’s eyes out?) 19 Check in drawers, closets, old backpacks, under beds and in laundry baskets for leftover school supplies. 20 Forget that. A search unearthed box of 12 chewed pencils, one black eraser, 7 broken crayons and 2 dead mice. Ew! 21 Day of rest to thank the Creator for only making back-to-school once a year.
22 Firmly determine to go and get school supplies. 23 Decide instead to order supplies online. Chicken stores are notoriously under-stocked anyway. 24 Actually look at Honest Fred’s – Your Friendly Discount Office Supply Store’s website. 25 Get up the nerve to go to Honest Fred’s checkout and see what the damage is. Keep bucket handy for throw up. 26 Get up the nerve to tell Father Rooster what the bill comes to. (“Honest” Fred is a large duck, so he always has a big bill. Hee-hee!) 27 Order supplies. Realize that they will never arrive on time. 28 Day of rest to ask the Creator for another week to get school supplies.
29 Let down the hem on  Missy’s old school uniform. Tell Junior to pretend he is wearing shorts. 30 Pack up chewed pencils, black eraser and broken crayons in last year’s backpacks. 31 Sew up holes in last year’s backpacks and repack. 1 Pack leftover popcorn in lunch bags. Tell Missy and Junior to just wing it, and have a good day anyway. 2 Dance the happy dance with all the other hens! 3 Go get some re-tail therapy. 4 Post-pone telling Father Rooster about the re-tail therapy.

Mother Hen Rules the Roost

Dear Devoted Readers and Loyal Chicks,

As you may have noticed, recently Mother Hen has been dreadfully busy pursuing her career. What with interviews, reviews and the occasional press conference (okay, only one…but it was very important), MH has barely had time to rustle up a few bags of popcorn for her brood in the evening.

No more! Mother Hen is in the coop, boys and girls! It is time to shape up, get the lead out, toe the line, and get your acts together!

“Junior Rooster, get your butt and those blocks up off the floor!”

“Awwww, Ma!”

 

“Missy, you can only wear one outfit at a time, for heaven’s sake! Hang up those dresses and fold those tops. “

“But Mother, I have nothing to wear!”

“Your ‘nothing-to-wear’ is all over the coop. Choose it or lose it!”

 

“Father Rooster, what in the heck are you doing?”

“Hello, dear. I got a great deal on some surround sound speakers for the flat-screen TV, so I’m just hooking them up.”

“Where did you get this ’great deal’?”

“Oh, Walter Wings bought them from Fred Featherly who got them off the back of somebody’s truck.”

“Well, you can just march those hot speakers right back to Fred and get our money back.”

“Mama, they’re not hot! They’re cool!

“Junior, don’t interrupt your Mother when she is hen-pecking me. You know how she gets!”

That’s it! Everyone is in time-out!

“Papa too?”

“Papa too!”

Cool!”

“Shut-up, Junior!”

“Mama, Missy used a bad word!”

“Did not!”

“Did too! You’re not supposed to say shut-up!”

“Dear, about those speakers…”

 

At this point, Mother Hen used a bad word of her own, and nobody got dinner.

Sometimes you have to be a real mother to be a Mother.

You know how it is.

Yours in maternal solidarity,

Mother Hen

Twas the Day After Christmas

Twas the day after Christmas, when all through the coop
The place was in chaos. (They’re one messy group.)
The TV was blasting the post-Christmas ads,
To draw the last dollars from dear Mom and Dad.

The children were screaming, “Don’t touch my new stuff!”
While Daddy just sits in a daze — on his duff,
And Mother Hen wearing her gift of a sweater,
Had yelled at them all to behave a lot better.

When Missy Hen saw a great deal on a dress,
the TV said cost thirty-five percent less,
she cried “Mama Hen, I must go to the mall!”
But MH said “No!” so she started to bawl.

Junior Rooster was testing his new science kit,
The one that the box said would not hurt a bit.
When, what to their wondering eyes should appear,
But a gas that smelled foul and made their eyes tear.

“Out Junior! Out Missy! Out Father! Get going!
As fumes filled the coop and the stink was still growing!
To the top of the fence! to the top of the wall!
Now get away! Get away! Get away all!”

As dry leaves that before the wild forest fire fly,
and the sparks that result will then mount to the sky,
So there at the coop-top the bright flames they flew,
With the coop full of toys, and nice leftovers too.

 They stared at the blaze that was burning their place,
With looks of pure horror on each fowl‘s face.
“Now what will we do? And where will we live?”
Cried Missy, then hens all around said they’d give.

One offered a spare nest, another a shelf,
and one tiny chick brought a toy from herself.
Then Junior proclaimed in his loudest peep-peep,
“It’s lucky for us that no one was asleep!”

His eyes showed no sign of remorse for his act,
His innocent face was angelic, in fact.
Mother Hen was so tempted to smack his wee tush,
Since the neighbors were watching he got a slight push.

Then Mother Hen thought about what he had said,
How it was a blessing that no one was dead.
She gathered her family all up in a brood,
overcome with a feeling of pure gratitude.

“We still have each other,” she said with relief,
“And Farmer Brown’s sure to replace it – Good grief!”
“Has anyone seen my computer ‘round here?”
I brought it out with me. It has to be near.”

Mother Hen was concerned but her laptop was handy,
As Missy had emailed her punk boyfriend Andy
Since MH has shared in her blog all the news,
She thinks she is long overdue for a snooze.

So now that it’s high time to bid you good-bye,
And go to a neighbor’s to get some shut-eye,
Mother Hen wants to wish all her readers good night,
Happy New Year to all, and please try not to fight!”

Mother Hen’s Holiday Newsletter: Final Draft

 

To compare to the Original draft of the Coop Family Newsletter (which you absolutely must do), see Mother Hen’s Holiday Newsletter: First Draft.

Delivered more or less, almost, kind of on time as promised!     Mother Hen

Coop Family Calendar November 2010

Mother Hen presents: The first ever Coop Family Calendar!!!!!!!

As you can see, life is very busy indeed, and MH has her wings full just trying to keep track!

Father Rooster had to cope with the end of daylight savings time, and let Mother tell you, there is nothing so cranky as a rooster off schedule! You would think that the sun was never going to show up at all!

Most of the calendar is self explanatory, but perhaps Mother should…ahem…elaborate a bit about Junior Rooster’s cockey game suspension. She is extremely disappointed to report that he was cited by the ref for “pecking from behind” and “unroosterlike conduct.”  Let Mother H. assure you , he was nested and confined to the coop for a week for those shenanigans. (For more about Junior Rooster and cockey, see Sports and the Male Animal).

Last year for our family holiday portrait, Missy Hen substituted a neon pink dress (see illustration above) for the lovely blue velvet Mother Hen had chosen, then hid her outfit under her coat until we had arrived at the photographer’s studio. Well, it was just dreadful! All of us were wearing shades of blue, and there was Missy sticking out like a sore claw! That will not be happening again this year, no-sirree-bob!

Mother Hen has joined the Christmas Clawbell Choir, as you can see. The choir is preparing for an impressive debut at the Christmas Eve service, which is quite a challenge. MH has had ringing in her ears ever since this whole thing began. Annoying, but she is sure it will be worth it.

Enjoy your little window into Mother Hen’s world!

Sports and the Male Animal

Mother Hen has often pondered the peculiar relationship males have with sports.

It almost makes sense that jocks of either gender getting all worked up about whether a large/small ball/puck makes it over the line/into the goal/basket. After all, despite the fact that the fate of the world doesn’t actually depend on the outcome of the game, at least these folks who play the field (so to speak) have exhibited a certain dedication to their sport. It’s the armchair athletes, the otherwise sedentary Joes, who puzzle Mother H. the most.

Why is every male, from the time he can wear a logo on his onesie, expected to swear undying loyalty to “his” team?  Why are team affiliations passed down from father to son like sacred heirlooms? What is with the yelling, swearing, and yes, screaming, at poor innocent TV screens that haven’t hurt a thing?

Never think this shocking behavior is limited to the human race. No, no, much as it pains MH to admit the fact, roosters young and old have been known to get their tailfeathers in a frazzle over a game of clawbowl, or a friendly cockfighting match. Even the youngest, scrawniest specimen in the coop will puff up his chest and peep wildly when the Rhode Island Reds play the California Grays at the Popcorn Bowl.

Fortunately, Father Rooster is a dignified type, without any predilection for hollering at helpless electronics. No, Father prefers to preserve his voice for the job, like a sensible rooster. Mother Hen couldn’t approve more.

No, it is Junior Rooster who is caught the sports, which is almost as bad as catching the politics, (see Politics and Chicken Pox) but with less voting. The youngest member of the Coop family has suddenly gone all macho over the latest craze, something called “cockey” which is like hockey except without the ice, skates, sticks, or pucks…or so Junior says.  It doesn’t make sense to MH either. Honestly, dear reader, who thinks up these things?

Whatever it is, Junior is rippy-tail snorting around the coop  with a helmet on, “checking” all of us and peeping “He scores!” constantly, which is unbelievably annoying. Missy Hen is perching in the rafters squawking “Mama, make him stop!” and Father Hen is inexplicably absent.

If anyone out there has a cure for the sports, please let Mother Hen know yesterday. Her shins are getting awfully sore.