Posts Tagged ‘marriage’

Cousin Lavinia’s Wedding

Mother Hen needed a few days to recover from the…ahem…excitement of Cousin Lavinia’s wedding reception before she could report back to her loyal readers, whom she is certain have been waiting breathlessly for her account of the festivities.

The bride wore white, which Mother Hen found very reassuring despite the fact that Lavinia and Harry’s three-week-old rooster, Ziggy, was the ringbearer.  In MH’s day, which becomes a progressively faint memory after one of these events, white meant something other than it complimented your feathers, if you know what Mother H. means, and she’s sure you do!

Anyway, Ziggy dropped the pillow with the rings about a half-dozen times (coordination does not run in Harry’s side of the family) and predictably Harry dropped the ring, but only twice. Mother Hen thought at the rate things were going it would become a winter wedding, but everyone made it through in the end.

A fall wedding means corn chowder and pumpkin pie for dinner, and Lavinia did not disappoint. Oh, and there were pumpkins everywhere! Pumpkins on the altar at the chapel, pumpkins holding open the doors, pumpkin-themed table decorations, and even pumpkin-shaped nametags which M H thought was a bit much. After all, everyone knows who Mother Hen is, and those sticky things tend to pull on the feathers.

Naturally Mother H. was up there grooving on the dance floor like it was 1999, and she showed those young folks how the chicken dance is really done! Father Rooster joined her for a rip-roaring polka, which of course had all the young’uns hollering for more. Still, dancing all night is best left to the chicklets, although if you ask Mother Hen, there was more than a little fermented corn syrup fueling the festivities as well!

Well, Mother’s claws and head are still a bit tender from whooping it up on Saturday, so she will bid all her good bloggy friends adieu. She wishes the new Mr. and Mrs. Harry Feathers all the best in their life together, and little Ziggy too!

 

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The Upcoming Nuptials: Mother Hen’s Take on the Royal Wedding

There once was a lady named Kate

Whose Prince finally set the big date

She kissed him and then

Said “I do “and “Amen”

And she now has a frog for a mate.

 

Oh, Mother Hen loves a limerick almost as much as a royal wedding! She hasn’t been so chuffed[i] since Princess Di married what’s-his-name…the one with the big ears and the mistress.

Mind you, MH has had a dickens of a time keeping up. There are Will & Kate specials at all hours on the telly[ii].  One can hardly get to the loo[iii] and back without missing some minute detail about what Diana’s flower girl’s nanny thinks about the dress that Kate theoretically possibly maybe could wear.

One magazine with royal photos is hardly in the dustbin[iv] before the postman shoves ten more in the letter box[v], or Mrs. Farmer Brown brings another back from the newsagent[vi].

Anyway, Mother Hen has her smartest[vii] dress ready for the ceremony, her lovely hat is at the ready in her chest of drawers[viii], and a brand new Union Jack[ix] will wave from her wing. Since her invitation failed to arrive on time, MH will have to content herself with viewing the live broadcast. Pity!

Will Will & Kate live happily ever after, or make a complete dog’s breakfast[x] out of this marriage thing like his parents? Mother Hen thinks that Will seems like a decent bloke and Kate a bonny lass, so they seem unlikely to put paid[xi] to their relationship. Really, they seem a jolly couple. No, MH supposes it should all be tickety-boo[xii] from here.

Now, if you will please excuse Mother H., she is ready for a tea-break. She saved some lovely scones to go along with her cuppa[xiii], and she’s feeling a bit peckish[xiv] (which seems especially appropriate for a chicken, don’t you think?).

 

Mother Hen would like to express her appreciation to The Septic’s Companion: a British slang dictionary for being a reference for this post. Any mistakes or misused terms are MH’s responsibility.


[i] happy; pleased

[ii] TV

[iii] washroom

[iv] garbage; trashcan

[v] mail slot

[vi] newspaper stand; corner store

[vii] most attractive (relates to clothing or appearance in general)

[viii] dresser

[ix] British flag

[x] mess

[xi] put an end to

[xii] going well; in a good state

[xiii] cup of tea

[xiv] hungry

True Love According to Mother Hen

Oh, romance! You experience the thrill of a first embrace, the sweet nothings in one’s ear, and then the divorce lawyer’s bill (and when your lawyer is a goose that makes for an especially big bill).

Mother Hen is a bit jaded, you think? Not in the least – Mother is a romantic from the top of her comb to the bottom of her claws! However, she does know the difference between infatuation and lasting love, my dears, and she will be ever so pleased to share it with you.

Infatuation is thumping hearts, sexual tension, and anxiety over whether you are loved.

True love makes sacrifices. If he doesn’t pitch in when it is time to muck out the coop, or never misses a cockfight to be with you, it isn’t love.

True love shows respect. If he crows out insulting names at you,  even as so-called jokes, it isn’t love. If you can’t respect him because stuff he does disappoints or disgusts you, it isn’t love.

True love shows trust. If he always needs to know how many eggs in your nest, or whose coop you were visiting, or how many times you emailed the egg collector, it isn’t love. If you keep worrying about whether some other chick is warming his nest tonight, it’s not love.

True love is appreciative. If you aren’t the presidents of each other’s fan club, it isn’t love.

True love puts the beloved first. If he hops when his momma says hop, you will never have first place in his heart. If Daddy’s opinion is still his little chick’s first consideration, she isn’t ready to love you unconditionally.

Let Mother Hen recap, please. If you have mutual unselfishness, respect, trust, and appreciation in a relationship, and demonstrate that you are willing to put each other first, odds are that you have a lasting love. If you are both sure that you are sure that you are sure that its love…well, Mother thinks you might be on to something!

Hormones and chemistry are all very well and good, but they won’t get you through Junior Rooster’s three day stomach flu, or the coop roof leaking, or any of the other hazards of everyday life. What if he loses all his feathers or she can’t lay eggs anymore? True love will see the two of you through difficult times, because love is about what is on the inside, not circumstances or looks or illness.

“Love,” as they used to say, ”is a many splendord thing.” Once you find the real article, you will never settle for a counterfeit again! If you are wondering whether you have found the one, stop – because you haven’t. Trust Mother Hen, when you find true, lasting love, you won’t have any doubt about it!

(This blog is dedicated to Father Rooster, who never leaves MH in any doubt that she is the luckiest chick in the world!)

Fifty Ways to Lose Your Lover

  As a public service to women everywhere (Mother Hen likes to aim high), and on the off chance some guys out there will a) read this and b) care, here are fifty things NOT to do if you want to keep a woman around, beginning with the most obvious…

50. Leave the toilet seat up

49. and don’t flush

48. or wash your hands.

47. Fart in bed.

 46. Tell her she looks fat but

45. her best friend is hot.

 44. Flirt with other women

 43. get their phone numbers

42. then leave them in the pocket of your pants

 41. which you (for once), throw into the dirty clothes basket.

40. Leave your smelly clothes all over the floor

39. especially your dirty underwear

38. then ask why the laundry isn’t done yet.

37. Ask what in the world she does all day

36. when she is at home doing the previously-mentioned laundry

35. cooking your dinner

34. and raising YOUR kids.

33. Go out with the guys all the time.

32. but complain if she wants a night to herself

31. then call her cell every fifteen minutes or so to check up on her.

3o. Never, and this is important, offer to “help” around the house

29. but when you just can’t avoid it any longer, complain

28. and try to get brownie points.

 27. Neglect your personal hygiene.

 26. Watch every sport possible on TSN in every spare moment

25. or play video games all day

24. or look at porn constantly. She’ll really love that.

23. Chat with other women online

22. about sex

21. while you…well, you know. Mother Hen is too delicate a lady to go into details.

20. Put down her family

19. refuse to have anything to do with them

18. and do everything you can to keep her away from them, because after all, they are a bad influence

17. just like her friends.

16. Control every dime she spends

15. of her own money

14. or keep her from having any money in the first place, which is obviously simpler.

13. Call her a stupid

 12. bitch

11. or worse

10. when the kids can hear you.

 9. Drink a lot

 8. do drugs

7. gamble away all your money

6. and her money too.

5. Hit her, especially when she gets uppity,

6. in front of the kids.

 5. Bad mouth her children

4. threaten them

3. and abuse them.

 2. If all else fails, kick her sorry ass out the door, then beg for her to come back

1. yet again.

Silly Mother Hen, acting as if the men of the world need instructions to do these things!

Wedding Bell Blues

blue bride and groom

Dear

Mother Hen,

Three years ago I went through a horrible divorce when my husband of almost twenty-five years left me for another woman.  I was devastated beyond words! I had no idea at the time that he was cheating on me with this woman from work, though of course looking back I suppose there were signs. I was still very much in love with him, and our three children went through so much, just because this tramp wouldn’t keep her hands off of a married man!

Our oldest son will be married in two months time, and I don’t know how I am going to get through the day. My ex is now married to his mistress, and I am still alone. I have to admit I still have feelings for him, plus of course I am furious with her. My daughter-in-law-to-be thinks that we should act like one big happy family, so she will expect me to be in photos with the two of them. At one point she even said something about how she will have two mothers-in-law! My son won’t say anything to her in my defense, because he doesn’t want to upset her, although apparently whether I’m upset doesn’t matter.

How am I going to survive this impossible situation?

Woman Left Behind

Dear Woman Left Behind,

I understand that this is difficult for you, since you are still recovering from your marriage breakdown, and facing your former husband and his new wife would be painful under any circumstances.

I don’t want to play the who-is-more-miserable game, honestly, but I want you to think about my story to see if it gives you a little bit of perspective

When my son became engaged to a lovely girl, I was so pleased for them, but I dreaded the thought of  seeing my ex, his fiance, and my former in-laws at the wedding.  Even though I had remarried happily,  I have continued to feel very uncomfortable in my ex’s presence, and I had not yet met his intended.

Several months before their wedding date, my son became dreadfully ill. Although he had cystic fibrosis, he had been in very good health until that point, and we had every reason to expect that he would be with us for many years to come.  After only a few months in hospital, it became clear that antibiotics couldn’t deal with the infection that took over his body, and  we had to say good-bye.

At the funeral, I saw all my former relatives, under the worst possible circumstances. I remember thinking, here I had been dreading a wedding, and we were burying my 21-year-old instead. As you can imagine, I would have done anything to have had that wedding to go to, rather than face all those people at a funeral home.

I do not want to trivialize what you are going through. I had remarried a wonderful man, and I did not give a rat’s tushie that my ex was with someone else, so that was not an issue for me. I just want to remind you that you are celebrating the future and a new life for your child, so even though you are hurting, it is a happy time, nonetheless. Try to hold your head high, and remember, you are the mother, you have raised your child to be a wonderful adult, and you outrank your ex and his new woman in every way that counts, because you have been a class act all along!

Best wishes to the happy couple, and to you, on their wedding day!

Mother Hen