Posts Tagged ‘movie’

Mother Hen Presents…The Descendents

Mother Hen Presents…is an occasional series in which your favorite typing chicken writes about things she may or may not have seen, heard or read.

First, a confession…Mother Hen loves George Clooney. He could only be more perfect if he was a rooster.

Now that her bias is declared, let’s take a look at this movie called The Descendents, shall we?

Where to start? There is this bratty kid who is a girl but named Scotty sort of but not exactly like the terrier dog or that guy from Star Trek. There’s an insolent, rebellious teen who is also a girl named Alex which just goes to show you can never tell by a name these days.

Then there is George, who plays Matt or Matty or Dad (whatever) who is all messed up because his wife is in a coma, and he can’t deal with his mouthy daughters and his wife has a  secret but Mother Hen can’t tell you about that because it is a spoiler and Mother H. is not a party-pooper. No sir, no poopin’ on parties for this chicken!

There is also this dufus teen boy who hangs around Alex for the entire movie whose only purpose in life is to say incredibly stupid things and add “dude” whenever possible. Is he Alex’s boyfriend? It’s a mystery, which simply means Mother Hen can’t figure it out either.

The best actor in the whole movie may be the chick who plays the wife because she does a great comatose imitation, but does anybody nominate her for an Oscar? No siree-bob! Like it is supposed to be easy lying there with your beak hanging open and not drooling or something. MH was watching like a hawk and she never saw a blink—not once! Amazing stuff that!

Anyway our buddy George did get nominated, which Mother Hen can hardly object to because he does cry on cue and everything, plus he never punches the dufus which takes an awful lot of self-control if you ask her.

Oh, Mother almost forgot to mention that Beau Bridges is also in the movie, which would be easy to overlook because they only throw him a bit part, but he does such a great deal with it that he deserves a shout-out anyhow. He ain’t a looker like George but he is a good ol’ boy and all.

Now comes the moment of truth. Is The Descendants a fantastic, life-changing and/or side-splitting movie? Nope, but it is worth seeing because there are so many great performances, including the young’uns, who need their mouths washed out with soap but otherwise do a bang-up job.

Mother Hen gives this movie three and a quarter eggs, which is rather messy but about right.

 

Mother Hen Buys the Farm

When Mother Hen wins the lottery (which seems to be difficult if one does not play), life at the farm will change for the better, you betcha!

She doesn’t know if you, dear readers, are aware that when one owns a farm, that makes you the boss. Yes, really! Farmer Brown figures that just because it is his farm he can run it however he pleases. Chickensh…Horse Manure!

When Mother Hen owns the farm, things will be different!

Top Ten Reasons the Farm Will Rock With Mother Hen in Charge

10. Mother Hen will be in charge. That rocks!

9. Dogs and other wolves will be on restraining orders and restraining leashes at all times.

8. A non-violence clause will be added to every cat’s contract.

7. Pigs will be required to keep a clean sty and learn to fly.

6. Coops will be professionally decorated immediately after they are professionally built.

5. There will be movie nights every Friday, with free popcorn for all.

4. Three new gliders would be purchased so chickens could soar like eagles.

3. Two widescreen TVs with satellite will be added to the barn so everyone can watch Animal Planet.

2. All animals will be paid according to weight, say about $2.99 a pound.

1. Big shiny transport trucks are to be completely banned from the farm. No animals will be forced to leave the farm EVER!!!!!

Wouldn’t it be wonderful? Now imagine how cool the world would be with Mother Hen in charge! Well, a chicken can dream, can’t she?

Now, all Mother H. needs to do is to find a lottery ticket somewhere.

Mother Hen Presents…Bridesmaids

An occasional series in which Mother Hen reviews stuff that she may or may not have seen, heard or read.

Bridesmaids is a movie about bridesmaids…and a bride…with a few guys thrown in to keep it interesting (and by interesting we mean sexy, but this is a family blog so don’t tell the kids).

Bridesmaids is a chick flick, which can only be a good thing because it has a bunch of chicks in it, but here is a secret: roosters like it too! Uh huh, boys. Oh, you may strut around and crow about how your wife or girlfriend or little sister dragged you in, pried your eyelids open and made you watch it, but that is a pile of pig-sty backwash, because everybody saw you laugh until your diet Coke came snorting out your nose! It was nasty.

Anyway, as Mother Hen was saying, it is a fair bit like Hanging Over and Hanging Over 2, but with chicks. Somebody gets drunk, which leads to trouble. Somebody gets mad, which leads to trouble. A whole lot of somebodies do something gross and disgusting under the worst possible circumstances, and you guessed it, there is trouble.

Not that Mother Hen is accusing anyone of using a formula or anything, because that wouldn’t be nice. Besides, women respond differently to stuff, right? That’s right. Everybody knows that. It is written down somewhere in a book about the DNA or the FBI or maybe the CIA, so it’s classified, but it’s a fact.

For instance, in Bridesmaids these chicks get jealous because they want to be at the top of the pecking order. That is something that guys in buddy movies never do, because they all know that they are the best and anyone who doesn’t realize it can go suck out septic tanks.

Also, chicks like weddings, and wedding dresses and pretty much everything about weddings, while guys mostly dress in black like they are going to a funeral. Girls fuss about details, while boys cuss about details. 

So what this means is that Bridesmaids is like Hanging Over, except where it’s not. It’s super-duper funny, kind-of gross and has a happy ending.  You knew it would have a happy ending, so it is not a spoiler to say so. It’s a frickin’ comedy, not Hamlet or Piglet or Eeyore even.

Give Bridesmaids a chance, and you too could be spewing soda all over the unlucky person seated in front of you. That alone is worth the price of admission.

(This has been a Mother Hen Presents…presentation.)

Mother Hen Presents…HANNA

Mother Hen Presents…is a new occasional series in which Mother Hen reviews stuff that she may or may not have seen, heard or read.

Hanna is a movie.

Hanna is a movie about a girl named Hanna. Duh.

Hanna is one tough chick who was hatched as part of one of those government DNA experiment things that you always just knew were happening somewhere all over the place, but until now you had no proof. Aha!

Miss Hanna was raised out in the forest where it is super cold so they kill Santa’s reindeer for something to eat, but then they run away before Santa can catch them, but they make it seem like it is all about the CIA or FBI or CNN or ABC or some other TV network. This man she calls Papa keeps trying to kill her, and that’s how you know that he loves her, you see, because he wants to make sure that nobody else kills her first.

The studio says that it is a “thriller” but Mother Hen is letting you know the real inside poop: it’s a documentary. Uh-huh. You heard it first here at the nest!

Oh sure, Cate Blanchett is in it, or so they say, but that woman barely looks like Ms. Blanchett so she could be any old real spy lady chasing Hanna all over Fairy Tale Land or Mother Goose Town or wherever the heck that Mr. Grim in the middle of the story lives.

See, that’s how you know it must be real, because who makes stuff like that up?

Just so you know, before you go and get all grossed out, Hanna kills people. A lot. When Hanna isn’t killing people, there is always lots of killing going on anyway, because that is what almost everyone does for a hobby when they aren’t hatching Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Hanna keeps getting new clothes from nowhere in particular, but Mother Hen figures that she must have a product placement deal, except for the one outfit that she steals, but that’s okay kiddies, because you are allowed to steal when a bunch of goonie gorillas are out to nail your unclothed posterior.

Mother Hen isn’t going to give away the ending. That is what they call a spoiler, and MH would never do that to her loyal chicks who check in at the coop every week (or whenever Mother gets around to posting.) No, let it simply be said that with all this bad caca flying around and more dead  bodies than fleas on a barn cat, what odds would you give on there being a happy ending? Or a sequel?

Not that Mother Hen gambles or anything.

(This has been a Mother Hen Presents…presentation.)

Mother Hen Goes to the Oscars!

Okay, well, she isn’t there yet, but it could happen! A chicken can dream, can’t she?

Every year without fail, Mother Hen has her beak practically super-glued to her 52” widescreen plasma Sony TV (product placement, anyone?), ogling the red carpet offerings, chuckling at the best witticisms and cheering for the only nominees that she has actually managed to see. It is tough to be a movie buff that can’t get out to the cinema, darlings!

Of all the best picture contenders, MH has managed to see Inception (don’t ask how!) and…well, not one of the others, yet, but she will, one of these years. Anyway, her favorite movie of 2010 (so far) was cruelly left out of the winner’s circle at the Golden Globes, despite its incredible visual impact, complex script and the presence of Leonardo DiCaprio, who is, in this expert’s opinion, a pretty fair specimen for a human. (Ahem.)

Now, Inception’s director, what’s-his-name, has been left off the list for Best Director! If MH could remember who the heck he is, she would send him a sympathy card.

Mother Hen has seen Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland too, if for no other reason than that she would pay good money to watch Johnny Depp chew gum…or chocolate bars…or scenery. Even though Mr. Depp was scandalously overlooked by the Academy, at least our Johnny got nominated for two Golden Globes, so MH is somewhat pacified.

Yes, Mother H. has also seen Toy Story 3, but contrary to a nasty rumor going around the barnyard, she did not cry. No, that was a certain adult rooster nearby who shall remain nameless. After all, any mother of a child under the age of ten with intact eardrums had to get the DVD or go completely bonkers from hearing about it. Junior Rooster pronounced the third installment, “Totally wicked!” which apparently means it didn’t suck. Yes, the Coop family will be rooting for Buzz, Woody, and friends yet again this year.

One other film, which Mother Hen has not seen, but will be rooting for is Incendies, an entry in the best Foreign Film category. Why? As a proud Canadian, it is the least she can do! However, she does need to clear up a bit of a mix-up. Incendies is filmed in French, which is why it is eligible as a Foreign Film. Mother Hen, as you may have noticed, types in English. (Very observant of you!) So, is Canada an English-speaking country or French? *

Please excuse Mother Hen, as she needs to go and check her mailbox once again. The Academy should be sending her invitation anytime now.

 

 

*Both! Fooled you!

What, you knew that? Well, good for you! Kudos from Mother Hen!