Posts Tagged ‘Obama’

Mother Hen, the Telephone and President Obama

Hello? President Mr. Obama sir?

You are the President Mr. Obama? The guy in the White House? Oh, good!

Mother Hen here — you know, the world’s foremost typing chicken?

Really? Well, MH is a fan of yours as well. You are her favorite current American president by far.

You are very welcome, sir, but let’s get down to business, shall we?

As you know, Mother Hen is a proud citizen of Canada. No, north. Further north. That’s right.

We are having a wee problem with your guns coming over our border. No, sir, not your guns personally. Your country’s guns.

No, not the big ones…that would be Iraq. The smaller ones – mostly handguns, in fact.

Yes, yes, MH has heard about the pot problem. She is very sorry about that. Canada exports many agricultural products, but marijuana should not be one of them. She totally agrees with you there. It is supposed to be really good stuff though, right?

No, no, of course you wouldn’t…not at all. Anyway, we all know a little weed never killed anybody. Not right away,

That’s right, it takes time or a motor vehicle, whichever comes first. Gotcha on that! However, illegal guns do have a nasty habit of taking people out, unfortunately, in rather an abrupt manner. And messy. Very, very, messy!

Actually, it is a big problem. About two-thirds of the illegal guns seized by police in Toronto have come over the border from your country.[i]

Toronto. Big city. On Lake Ontario. CN Tower? Yes sir, that one. Um-hmm.

Well, no, our violent gun crime isn’t as bad as yours. Yet.

Only about one an hour.[ii] But then we have a lot fewer people to get shot, you see.

Or to do the shooting, that’s true. Yes, we’ve heard that slogan up here too – “Guns don’t kill people. People kill people.” It’s very catchy. You didn’t come up with that yourself, did…

No. Mother Hen didn’t think so. Anyway, the guns do make it easier, now don’t they?

Well, the point is…do you think that you could do something about that? Turn off the tap somehow, as it were?

Oh, you and Prime Minister Harper talked about that. Recently. At that little meeting you had? Wonderful! Mother Hen is so relieved to hear that!

And you are going to talk about it again soon. Maybe over lunch.

Yes, you do have that little problem in Libya to deal with first. And Yemen. And maybe Tunisia or Egypt. Iran? Oh really? No, Mother Hen would never tell a soul! She is the very picture of discretion! An absolute portrait, almost a statue of trustworthiness!

Well, of course you do have other things to attend to, yes. Bo has to go out? Mother H. wouldn’t dream of keeping you on the line while the poor pooch is crossing his legs! In fact, she thinks she hears Junior Rooster calling.

It has been a pleasure, Mr. President. Stay in touch, okay? Love to Ms. Michelle now. Yes, and the girls, too!

Bye.


The Dudegate Debate: Mother Hen Weighs In

Poor little Jonny Stewart!

Mr. Jonny is currently the subject of a squawk-fest because he addressed Mr. President Barak Obama as “dude” Thursday on The Daily Show.  The media are all aflutter over this incident, condemning wee Jonny for disrespecting the Commander in Chief.

Dude, they’ve got the issue all wrong!

Mother Hen agrees that there was a problem with Thursday’s show, but disrespect is the least of Jon’s worries. 

For starters, who uses dude anymore?

Mother hasn’t heard that term since Aston Kutcher made “Dude, Where’s My Car?” in 2000. That’s ten years ago people – ten whole years for Mr. Stewart to acquire another chummy catchphrase with which to disrespect the leader of the free world! Say “peep” for instance (one of MH’s favorites), “dawg” which comes in a close second, or even “buddy,” a perennial favorite.

In fact, The Urban Dictionary (http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=dude) states that dude is ordinarily used by “stoners, surfers, and skaters.” Inquiring chickens want to know: which one are you, Mr. Stewart?

Beyond the dude question there is a much broader consideration. The President arrived armed with jokes, shot off the first volley, and then dominated the “conversation” throughout. It was so bad at one point Jonny whined “It’s just hard not to talk.”

MH agrees that Mr. Stewart was between a rock and a chicken coop. Mother Hen has been there herself from time to time. Interrupting the US President while he is speaking would be a big no-no.

Nevertheless, this is what the man does for a living – this, in fact, is what he gets the big bucks for – keeping celebrities and politicians uncomfortable by peppering them with humorous probing questions. On, Thursday, Mr. Stewart was euchred at what he supposedly does best.

Mother Hen thus poses the humorous probing question: has Jon Stewart and The Daily Show jumped the proverbial shark?  Is he past his due date? Is he in fact turning into…dare she say it…an old fart?

All MH can say is, “Jonny dear, watch your back. You never know when Mr. Conan will be in the market for another job. Oh, and one more thing…never go near a shark. Mother hears that they like to eat TV hosts for breakfast.”

Rumors and Conspiracy Theories Mother Hen Would Like to Start

It seems as if every time Mother Hen turns around and she turns around quite a bit (in order to stay comfy on her nest), there is some wingnut out there promoting some ridiculous rumor about President Mr. Obama’s faith/birthplace/education or how you can buy a penguin online. Mother doesn’t like to brag, but you won’t catch chickens buying that nonsense! Nope! It’s people every time.

Mother H. finds herself tempted to test the true gullibility capacity of the human race by starting a few whoppers of her own. After all, what else does a chicken have to do on a Saturday night? 

Here are a few rumors and/or conspiracy theories that Mother would like to make the rounds, if in fact she would do such a nefarious thing, which of course she would never well it is highly unlikely …which you never heard here.

  • Hillary Clinton is just in it for the frequent flyer points.
  • Has anyone seen Sarah Palin’s high school diploma? Anyone?
  • Terrorists are planning to turn off Niagara Falls. 
  • Eating moldy cheese will cure erectile dysfunction.
  • Wind turbines are really mind control devices. Don’t look at them directly, and you will be okay!
  • Arnold Schwarzenegger is planning to crown himself Emperor of California just as soon as an earthquake causes the state to separate from the US mainland.
  • Guantanamo Bay prisons are really faked by Castro to make Americans look bad.
  • Glen Beck is an illegal alien…from Mars.
  •  Stephen Colbert posts on Twitter are encoded messages to Vladimir Putin. 
  • Email Mother Hen’s URL to 100 of your closest friends or your computer will blow up! (Remember, that’s https://motherhensnest.wordpress.com)

As a further public service, Mother H. would like to remind people that all rumors, conspiracy theories, chain emails, urban legends, and appeals for donations can be checked out at www.snopes.com.

Please, for the sake of all that is rational, before you pass along any shocking, heart-rending, or politically/racially/religiously controversial reports, go see the good folks at Snopes who strive to investigate every story that is kicking around and determine if it is true, false, or a bit from both camps. Mother Hen’s inbox will thank you!

Now for something completely different, but hilarious! Mother Hen says watch this video!

http://youtu.be/y54FRMedT_s

The BP Oil Spill Solved by Mother Hen

Once upon a time, when Mother Hen was young, and the world was not quite as old as it is today, there was a man named Marvin Gaye who wrote a song called Mercy, Mercy Me. Things, he noted, ain’t how they used to be, and indeed, he was right in principle (though, it pains Mother Hen to admit, incorrect in his grammar). Mr. Gaye also sang about “oil wasted upon our ocean and our seas,” many years before the Exxon Valdez leaked oil all over the Alaskan coastline, and decades before the humungous disaster that British Petroleum (called BP by the masses) has foisted on the Gulf of Mexico and the gulf states. A very forward thinking man, was Mr. Gaye.

Here again we see the wisdom of that ancient maxim, “the more things change, the more they stay the same.” Mother Hen is partial to ancient maxims, old sayings, and even the occasional old wives’ tale, seeing as how she is an old wife herself, because they have a nasty habit of being true. Now there is a huge kafuffle over whether or not BP lied about their capacity to halt the oil spewing from their well, and about just how much spewage was taking place. (Yes, Mother Hen knows that there is no such word as “spewage,” but there should be.)

Let us be clear. Of course they lied, my silly little moppets! They are a big corporation potentially facing unprecedented lawsuits, incredible fines, and even criminal charges. Why would they even consider admitting the extent of their culpability and ineptitude? How droll and completely naive that anyone would think otherwise!

Then Mr. President Obama, who according to Harvard and his wife is an incredibly intelligent man, tells the world that he, not the British Petroleum company, is ultimately responsible for ensuring that this undersea oil well stops its spewing and that the spewage is contained! Pardon Mother Hen as she giggles into her hankie – there, done.

 How in heaven’s name is a gentleman with no background knowledge in the matter going to plug up a pipe in the bottom of the ocean? More humorous yet, why on earth would he accept the blame for a disaster which was in no way his fault, while the careless bozos responsible happily hand him the buck that he blithely promises to stop right there?

I have a suggestion, Mr. President Obama, sir. Get on that top secret cell phone of yours and put in an urgent call to the folks at Proctor & Gamble, the company most experienced in leakage protection. Yes, we are speaking of the preeminent experts in absorbency, the makers of Tampex tampons. Let’s see just how confident they are in their product now! (Mother Hen being a close personal friend of Mother Nature’s, issues a challenge on her behalf. )

Indeed, things are not at all what they used to be, on the coastline of the gulf states and the depths of the Gulf of Mexico. In the boardrooms of British Petroleum, however, the old boy’s club unfortunately, is operating about the same.