Hello? President Mr. Obama sir?
You are the President Mr. Obama? The guy in the White House? Oh, good!
Mother Hen here — you know, the world’s foremost typing chicken?
Really? Well, MH is a fan of yours as well. You are her favorite current American president by far.
You are very welcome, sir, but let’s get down to business, shall we?
As you know, Mother Hen is a proud citizen of Canada. No, north. Further north. That’s right.
We are having a wee problem with your guns coming over our border. No, sir, not your guns personally. Your country’s guns.
No, not the big ones…that would be Iraq. The smaller ones – mostly handguns, in fact.
Yes, yes, MH has heard about the pot problem. She is very sorry about that. Canada exports many agricultural products, but marijuana should not be one of them. She totally agrees with you there. It is supposed to be really good stuff though, right?
No, no, of course you wouldn’t…not at all. Anyway, we all know a little weed never killed anybody. Not right away,
That’s right, it takes time or a motor vehicle, whichever comes first. Gotcha on that! However, illegal guns do have a nasty habit of taking people out, unfortunately, in rather an abrupt manner. And messy. Very, very, messy!
Actually, it is a big problem. About two-thirds of the illegal guns seized by police in Toronto have come over the border from your country.[i]
Toronto. Big city. On Lake Ontario. CN Tower? Yes sir, that one. Um-hmm.
Well, no, our violent gun crime isn’t as bad as yours. Yet.
Only about one an hour.[ii] But then we have a lot fewer people to get shot, you see.
Or to do the shooting, that’s true. Yes, we’ve heard that slogan up here too – “Guns don’t kill people. People kill people.” It’s very catchy. You didn’t come up with that yourself, did…
No. Mother Hen didn’t think so. Anyway, the guns do make it easier, now don’t they?
Well, the point is…do you think that you could do something about that? Turn off the tap somehow, as it were?
Oh, you and Prime Minister Harper talked about that. Recently. At that little meeting you had? Wonderful! Mother Hen is so relieved to hear that!
And you are going to talk about it again soon. Maybe over lunch.
Yes, you do have that little problem in Libya to deal with first. And Yemen. And maybe Tunisia or Egypt. Iran? Oh really? No, Mother Hen would never tell a soul! She is the very picture of discretion! An absolute portrait, almost a statue of trustworthiness!
Well, of course you do have other things to attend to, yes. Bo has to go out? Mother H. wouldn’t dream of keeping you on the line while the poor pooch is crossing his legs! In fact, she thinks she hears Junior Rooster calling.
It has been a pleasure, Mr. President. Stay in touch, okay? Love to Ms. Michelle now. Yes, and the girls, too!