Posts Tagged ‘politics’

Mother Hen Sets the World to Rights. You’re Welcome.

Mother Hen worries a lot, as mother hens tend to do.

Will Father Rooster get up in time to wake up the farm? Will Missy Hen quit flirting with all the young roosters long enough to graduate? Did Junior take off his football helmet before he went to bed?

Unlike most chickens, though, Mother Hen worries about the state of the world too.

Is climate change going to fry all the world’s chickens? Will the uncertainty of the global economy destroy Mother Hen’s nest egg?  Will Republicans and Democrats quit playing “chicken” with the financial future of the United States?

If everyone simply listened to Mother Hen, this would be a better world.

“Oh, really?” you say, only because you are not yet fully acquainted with the depth and power of MH’s years of accumulated wisdom.

Yes, really.

Father Rooster needs to set his clock radio that Mother H. generously got him for his Hatching Day present.

Missy Hen should wear her glasses so she can use her eyes for something other than eyelash-batting.

Junior Rooster, let’s face it, needs to learn self-defense before he can ever dream of playing defense.

Now, the politicians would like to have you believe that saving the world is much, much harder than running a family coop. Poppycock!!!!

Mother Hen humbly contributes the following brilliant insights.

Build around trees, not over them.  Fine for every viable tree cut down.

Give tax breaks to companies, small businesses and homes that use green energy to go off the grid, as well as companies that help everyone to produce clean energy.

Reduce insurance rates for people who regularly use public transportation.

Cut business taxes proportionally to number of new full-time hires.

Cut sales taxes on domestically produced merchandise.

Re-direct the military toward more peacekeeping and disaster assistance. Acts of aggression, towards any country or one’s own citizens, is to be met with pre-established UN protocols and discipline, including suspension of participation in international organizations.

Suspend or reduce salaries of congress and senate first if US government funding is cut off, with salary and bonuses tied to domestic prosperity indexes.

Personal taxes should be geared to income.  If you have money and property, you contribute. If you don’t, you get a break. There are enough natural incentives to pursue financial success without penalizing the poor for being poor and rewarding the rich further for being rich. This is not communism, folks, for Pete’s sake! This is The Golden Rule. Mother Hen has spoken!

So, there are just a few kernels of wisdom from Mother Hen’s plentiful silo.

It is high time more politicians put MH on speed dial.

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Mother Hen, the Telephone and Mr. Trump

Hello? Mr. Trump sir? Is that you? Mr. Donald Trump, The Apprentice guy?

Yes, it is a great honor. Yes, I understand that you are an extremely busy man.

No, I don’t know Big Bird personally. Do you?  Of course you do…certainly, everyone knows that you know everyone.  Fascinating.

Mother Hen did love your Saturday Night Live appearance in a chicken suit. Very natural. You’re welcome.

Yes, she used to follow The Apprentice avidly. Before, when the candidates really won something. Sure, of course celebrities are much more entertaining. No doubt.

Mr. Trump, Mother Hen called to ask you the question the whole world wants answered.

Oh, were you thinking of running? Well, that should scare a few people!

Democrats? Yes, of course, totally. It should frighten them too.

Actually the question Mother Hen wanted to ask was…

Mr. Obama’s birth certificate? Weren’t you proven wrong about that?

A great victory. Really. When can we expect to see your birth certificate, sir?

No, true, it’s not that there is any suspicion. Your father was born in Germany though?

Just checking.  No, not that there is anything wrong with that. Not at all.

And your marks, sir? Isn’t it true that you were sent off to military school because you got in trouble in the private prep school you attended?

Youthful hijinks. Not relevant. Got that.

Actually, there was one more question. The original one, in fact.  

Get to the point? Right away. Absolutely.

Mr. Trump, are you prepared to provide written documentation that your hair is real?

Mother Hen thought that you would welcome the opportunity to set the record straight.

Sir, you can’t fire someone who has never worked for you.

At this point the phone line inexplicably went dead.

Mother Hen, the Telephone and President Obama

Hello? President Mr. Obama sir?

You are the President Mr. Obama? The guy in the White House? Oh, good!

Mother Hen here — you know, the world’s foremost typing chicken?

Really? Well, MH is a fan of yours as well. You are her favorite current American president by far.

You are very welcome, sir, but let’s get down to business, shall we?

As you know, Mother Hen is a proud citizen of Canada. No, north. Further north. That’s right.

We are having a wee problem with your guns coming over our border. No, sir, not your guns personally. Your country’s guns.

No, not the big ones…that would be Iraq. The smaller ones – mostly handguns, in fact.

Yes, yes, MH has heard about the pot problem. She is very sorry about that. Canada exports many agricultural products, but marijuana should not be one of them. She totally agrees with you there. It is supposed to be really good stuff though, right?

No, no, of course you wouldn’t…not at all. Anyway, we all know a little weed never killed anybody. Not right away,

That’s right, it takes time or a motor vehicle, whichever comes first. Gotcha on that! However, illegal guns do have a nasty habit of taking people out, unfortunately, in rather an abrupt manner. And messy. Very, very, messy!

Actually, it is a big problem. About two-thirds of the illegal guns seized by police in Toronto have come over the border from your country.[i]

Toronto. Big city. On Lake Ontario. CN Tower? Yes sir, that one. Um-hmm.

Well, no, our violent gun crime isn’t as bad as yours. Yet.

Only about one an hour.[ii] But then we have a lot fewer people to get shot, you see.

Or to do the shooting, that’s true. Yes, we’ve heard that slogan up here too – “Guns don’t kill people. People kill people.” It’s very catchy. You didn’t come up with that yourself, did…

No. Mother Hen didn’t think so. Anyway, the guns do make it easier, now don’t they?

Well, the point is…do you think that you could do something about that? Turn off the tap somehow, as it were?

Oh, you and Prime Minister Harper talked about that. Recently. At that little meeting you had? Wonderful! Mother Hen is so relieved to hear that!

And you are going to talk about it again soon. Maybe over lunch.

Yes, you do have that little problem in Libya to deal with first. And Yemen. And maybe Tunisia or Egypt. Iran? Oh really? No, Mother Hen would never tell a soul! She is the very picture of discretion! An absolute portrait, almost a statue of trustworthiness!

Well, of course you do have other things to attend to, yes. Bo has to go out? Mother H. wouldn’t dream of keeping you on the line while the poor pooch is crossing his legs! In fact, she thinks she hears Junior Rooster calling.

It has been a pleasure, Mr. President. Stay in touch, okay? Love to Ms. Michelle now. Yes, and the girls, too!

Bye.


The Dudegate Debate: Mother Hen Weighs In

Poor little Jonny Stewart!

Mr. Jonny is currently the subject of a squawk-fest because he addressed Mr. President Barak Obama as “dude” Thursday on The Daily Show.  The media are all aflutter over this incident, condemning wee Jonny for disrespecting the Commander in Chief.

Dude, they’ve got the issue all wrong!

Mother Hen agrees that there was a problem with Thursday’s show, but disrespect is the least of Jon’s worries. 

For starters, who uses dude anymore?

Mother hasn’t heard that term since Aston Kutcher made “Dude, Where’s My Car?” in 2000. That’s ten years ago people – ten whole years for Mr. Stewart to acquire another chummy catchphrase with which to disrespect the leader of the free world! Say “peep” for instance (one of MH’s favorites), “dawg” which comes in a close second, or even “buddy,” a perennial favorite.

In fact, The Urban Dictionary (http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=dude) states that dude is ordinarily used by “stoners, surfers, and skaters.” Inquiring chickens want to know: which one are you, Mr. Stewart?

Beyond the dude question there is a much broader consideration. The President arrived armed with jokes, shot off the first volley, and then dominated the “conversation” throughout. It was so bad at one point Jonny whined “It’s just hard not to talk.”

MH agrees that Mr. Stewart was between a rock and a chicken coop. Mother Hen has been there herself from time to time. Interrupting the US President while he is speaking would be a big no-no.

Nevertheless, this is what the man does for a living – this, in fact, is what he gets the big bucks for – keeping celebrities and politicians uncomfortable by peppering them with humorous probing questions. On, Thursday, Mr. Stewart was euchred at what he supposedly does best.

Mother Hen thus poses the humorous probing question: has Jon Stewart and The Daily Show jumped the proverbial shark?  Is he past his due date? Is he in fact turning into…dare she say it…an old fart?

All MH can say is, “Jonny dear, watch your back. You never know when Mr. Conan will be in the market for another job. Oh, and one more thing…never go near a shark. Mother hears that they like to eat TV hosts for breakfast.”

The Politics of Bullying

“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me.”

What a complete pile of rotting caca!

As Mother Hen contemplates the shameful nastiness that they call campaign ads these days, and the awful news about young people driven to suicide by bullying, she sees a correlation.

Politics is apparently all about bullying. If Politician A calls Politician B a lazy, tax-wasting, unproductive, fat cat with a record as dirty as used kitty litter, Politician B is obliged to then call Politician A a left-wing, terrorist-loving wing-nut who is as squirrelly as a tree-hugging rodent. One wonders if they are also texting insults to each other after school.

When (or perhaps Mother H. should say if) our public officials quit acting like a bunch of snot-nosed punks immature youngsters on the playground, maybe they would get around to campaigning on an actual platform of meaningful policies. MH is still such a cock-eyed optimist at heart!

No wonder, then, that human teenagers have nothing better to do than torture each other in their free time. There must be quite a few senators-in-training striding through the halls of academic institutions these days.

Now how on earth are we to convince the young folks that it is wrong to slander their peers when the so-called leaders of the Western world are flinging more mud than a litter of piglets in spring?

Mother Hen not only denounces the behavior of these over-grown juvenile delinquents  naughty children, she calls on all adult voters to reject all poop-pitching candidates by giving the stinky-handed slimeballs ladies and gentlemen exactly what they deserve: nothing. That’s right – zippo, zilch, zero, nil, nix, nada – no votes for bad-mouthing their opponents, their predecessors, the president, or even Lady Gaga (much as she deserves it)!

Stopping bullies begins at home, or in this case, at Congress. How can you people tell your children to be kind, civil, and respectful of others if you elect muck-raking, reputation-besmirching, character-denigrating men and women to lead your country?

Rumors and Conspiracy Theories Mother Hen Would Like to Start

It seems as if every time Mother Hen turns around and she turns around quite a bit (in order to stay comfy on her nest), there is some wingnut out there promoting some ridiculous rumor about President Mr. Obama’s faith/birthplace/education or how you can buy a penguin online. Mother doesn’t like to brag, but you won’t catch chickens buying that nonsense! Nope! It’s people every time.

Mother H. finds herself tempted to test the true gullibility capacity of the human race by starting a few whoppers of her own. After all, what else does a chicken have to do on a Saturday night? 

Here are a few rumors and/or conspiracy theories that Mother would like to make the rounds, if in fact she would do such a nefarious thing, which of course she would never well it is highly unlikely …which you never heard here.

  • Hillary Clinton is just in it for the frequent flyer points.
  • Has anyone seen Sarah Palin’s high school diploma? Anyone?
  • Terrorists are planning to turn off Niagara Falls. 
  • Eating moldy cheese will cure erectile dysfunction.
  • Wind turbines are really mind control devices. Don’t look at them directly, and you will be okay!
  • Arnold Schwarzenegger is planning to crown himself Emperor of California just as soon as an earthquake causes the state to separate from the US mainland.
  • Guantanamo Bay prisons are really faked by Castro to make Americans look bad.
  • Glen Beck is an illegal alien…from Mars.
  •  Stephen Colbert posts on Twitter are encoded messages to Vladimir Putin. 
  • Email Mother Hen’s URL to 100 of your closest friends or your computer will blow up! (Remember, that’s https://motherhensnest.wordpress.com)

As a further public service, Mother H. would like to remind people that all rumors, conspiracy theories, chain emails, urban legends, and appeals for donations can be checked out at www.snopes.com.

Please, for the sake of all that is rational, before you pass along any shocking, heart-rending, or politically/racially/religiously controversial reports, go see the good folks at Snopes who strive to investigate every story that is kicking around and determine if it is true, false, or a bit from both camps. Mother Hen’s inbox will thank you!

Now for something completely different, but hilarious! Mother Hen says watch this video!

http://youtu.be/y54FRMedT_s

Politics and Chicken Pox

Mother Hen normally avoids “the politics” the way humans avoid the chicken pox, and with good reason. Both are contagious, potentially dangerous, and make people cranky.  Once infected, some even become feverish and unstable. Otherwise sensible, normal-looking folks breakout in spots and arguments all over. Very messy, the both of them, and after all Mother tries to run a clean coop.

However, watching the caca fly over the US of A lately, she is compelled to comment, lest this political plague destroy all semblance of order and good taste, two virtues which Mother Hen holds very dear.

Why is it that the moment the politics virus invades a perfectly lovely conversation, a charming human being turns into Dumbo the elephant or Donkey the Jackass? Apparently, the politics turns people’s brains into mush and puts their tongues into overdrive. This is quite unattractive and tends to get spit on one’s feathers.

Get a grip, people! Take a pill, or an enema, or a toxic cleanse – whatever it takes to get the nasty political bug out of your system, then for heaven’s sake, stay away from other humans with signs of infection! There, doesn’t that feel better? Mother knows best, you see.

Now repeat after Mother Hen:

I shall not, under any circumstances, allow the politics to transform me into a raving maniac.

 I will show respect for others, no matter how wrong I think they are.

 I will by no means stoop to slinging mud, or any other nasty substances, at my fellow Americans, no matter their race, creed, gender, sexual preference, or political affiliation, because it only makes my hands stinky, and because nice and polite is the right way to be.

I will, even if it feels like swallowing cod liver oil, consider the possibility that I might be…actually be…wrong…about some things…maybe.

I will not hate any one, because that is a slippery slope that leads directly into the cow paddies of life.

I will not tell untruths to win an argument, because Mother Hen (or if she is busy clucking elsewhere, my conscience) will track me down and peck me for the rest of my natural life and beyond.

I will not believe everything I hear, since that is the fastest way to acquire and spread the politics, especially if the statement in question comes from an obviously biased source. In fact, I will check my facts before I consider them facts at all.

So help me the Liberty Bell, Plymouth Rock, the Statue of Liberty, the Declaration of Independence, and the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

Now, if you will excuse Mother, she is needed to establish world peace, restore the ozone layer, eradicate other diseases, and feed the poor. She hates to keep Presidents Clinton and Bush, Vice-President Gore, Mr. Gates, and Mr. Bono waiting.