Posts Tagged ‘relationship’

The Upcoming Nuptials: Mother Hen’s Take on the Royal Wedding

There once was a lady named Kate

Whose Prince finally set the big date

She kissed him and then

Said “I do “and “Amen”

And she now has a frog for a mate.

 

Oh, Mother Hen loves a limerick almost as much as a royal wedding! She hasn’t been so chuffed[i] since Princess Di married what’s-his-name…the one with the big ears and the mistress.

Mind you, MH has had a dickens of a time keeping up. There are Will & Kate specials at all hours on the telly[ii].  One can hardly get to the loo[iii] and back without missing some minute detail about what Diana’s flower girl’s nanny thinks about the dress that Kate theoretically possibly maybe could wear.

One magazine with royal photos is hardly in the dustbin[iv] before the postman shoves ten more in the letter box[v], or Mrs. Farmer Brown brings another back from the newsagent[vi].

Anyway, Mother Hen has her smartest[vii] dress ready for the ceremony, her lovely hat is at the ready in her chest of drawers[viii], and a brand new Union Jack[ix] will wave from her wing. Since her invitation failed to arrive on time, MH will have to content herself with viewing the live broadcast. Pity!

Will Will & Kate live happily ever after, or make a complete dog’s breakfast[x] out of this marriage thing like his parents? Mother Hen thinks that Will seems like a decent bloke and Kate a bonny lass, so they seem unlikely to put paid[xi] to their relationship. Really, they seem a jolly couple. No, MH supposes it should all be tickety-boo[xii] from here.

Now, if you will please excuse Mother H., she is ready for a tea-break. She saved some lovely scones to go along with her cuppa[xiii], and she’s feeling a bit peckish[xiv] (which seems especially appropriate for a chicken, don’t you think?).

 

Mother Hen would like to express her appreciation to The Septic’s Companion: a British slang dictionary for being a reference for this post. Any mistakes or misused terms are MH’s responsibility.


[i] happy; pleased

[ii] TV

[iii] washroom

[iv] garbage; trashcan

[v] mail slot

[vi] newspaper stand; corner store

[vii] most attractive (relates to clothing or appearance in general)

[viii] dresser

[ix] British flag

[x] mess

[xi] put an end to

[xii] going well; in a good state

[xiii] cup of tea

[xiv] hungry

True Love According to Mother Hen

Oh, romance! You experience the thrill of a first embrace, the sweet nothings in one’s ear, and then the divorce lawyer’s bill (and when your lawyer is a goose that makes for an especially big bill).

Mother Hen is a bit jaded, you think? Not in the least – Mother is a romantic from the top of her comb to the bottom of her claws! However, she does know the difference between infatuation and lasting love, my dears, and she will be ever so pleased to share it with you.

Infatuation is thumping hearts, sexual tension, and anxiety over whether you are loved.

True love makes sacrifices. If he doesn’t pitch in when it is time to muck out the coop, or never misses a cockfight to be with you, it isn’t love.

True love shows respect. If he crows out insulting names at you,  even as so-called jokes, it isn’t love. If you can’t respect him because stuff he does disappoints or disgusts you, it isn’t love.

True love shows trust. If he always needs to know how many eggs in your nest, or whose coop you were visiting, or how many times you emailed the egg collector, it isn’t love. If you keep worrying about whether some other chick is warming his nest tonight, it’s not love.

True love is appreciative. If you aren’t the presidents of each other’s fan club, it isn’t love.

True love puts the beloved first. If he hops when his momma says hop, you will never have first place in his heart. If Daddy’s opinion is still his little chick’s first consideration, she isn’t ready to love you unconditionally.

Let Mother Hen recap, please. If you have mutual unselfishness, respect, trust, and appreciation in a relationship, and demonstrate that you are willing to put each other first, odds are that you have a lasting love. If you are both sure that you are sure that you are sure that its love…well, Mother thinks you might be on to something!

Hormones and chemistry are all very well and good, but they won’t get you through Junior Rooster’s three day stomach flu, or the coop roof leaking, or any of the other hazards of everyday life. What if he loses all his feathers or she can’t lay eggs anymore? True love will see the two of you through difficult times, because love is about what is on the inside, not circumstances or looks or illness.

“Love,” as they used to say, ”is a many splendord thing.” Once you find the real article, you will never settle for a counterfeit again! If you are wondering whether you have found the one, stop – because you haven’t. Trust Mother Hen, when you find true, lasting love, you won’t have any doubt about it!

(This blog is dedicated to Father Rooster, who never leaves MH in any doubt that she is the luckiest chick in the world!)

Mother Hen’s Secret Romance

Much as it pains her to admit it, Mother Hen has something to get off of her breast.

Normally, Mother eschews all fads, fanatics, and frenzies in the ardent hope that somehow moderation and good taste will prevail in this world. She has said “ta-ta” to Ga-Ga, “get lost” to Lost, and “Leave it to Bieber” when the dear boy and his cutesy ways make the little girls shriek.

There is now one exception to MH’s diehard rule: she is nutty for Huddy.

Now, MH must confess that she has been a long-time House fan anyway, but not in that cloying, over-the-top, must-see manner with which so many humans approach their favorite programs. No, Mother liked to settle in her nest with a hot drink and dish of corn (occasionally popped) and vicariously suffer no fools gladly along with Dr. Gregory House as much as the next chick, but her evening was not spoiled if company stopped by the coop or the hatchlings weren’t settled on time.

No more! Any critter crazy enough to get between Mother H and her remote on Monday nights is hatchin’ for a scratchin’! Even though House and Cuddy are unfortunately human, now that they are a couple the sparks are going to really fly, and nobody likes a good bonfire more than Mother Hen!

While the sexual innuendo was much less graphic before, and Mother has always found it unmannerly for humans to go around with their feathers off, she can peek through her wing-feathers when necessary and the other hens are none the wiser. The coop does seem to get a little warmer around eight o’clock or so, but that must be MH’s mug of tea hitting her gullet.

The best part is that House is still House, but more vulnerable, and even a little bit happy around the edges. The next best part is that finally there is a love affair on the TV that celebrates a mature couple, which all of us chicks of a certain vintage can appreciate. No, Mother is not claiming that House has suddenly matured – she is not that far gone off her rocker! (Hmmm…a nest with a rocker – what a amazingt idea! MT hopes that she can get a patent online.)

Cudos to Hugh Laurie, who is currently becoming prime-time’s answer to Susan Lucci, and Lisa Edelstein, who gives a restrained but passionate performance, for believably transitioning their characters from the warring House and Cuddy to the fiercely ardent Huddy.  Mother Hen would be remiss not to mention as well the creative genius (a much abused term which is warranted here) of House creator David Shore and his team.  This show has had the courage to confront the usually fatal curse of bringing star-crossed lovers together, and MH believes they have beaten the odds.

So, be fairly warned, do not call, text, knock, or even speak anywhere near Mother Hen on Monday nights between eight and nine o’clock, or you are going to see some feathers fly. MT will be on a hot date with Dr. House, and there will be a do-not-disturb sign on the coop door!

Bathroom Mathematics: The Interview

Bathroom Mathematics:  The Interview

Mother Hen is pleased to have, Dr. Ina Crapper, a foremost authority on applied algebra and bathroomology, as her special guest today.

MH: Welcome to the coop, Dr. Crapper!

IC: Delighted to join you here at Mother Hen’s Nest, I’m sure.

MH: Mother Hen has always been fascinated by the subject of human hygiene. Tell, us, why don’t humans make caca outside like everybody else?

IC: Ah, that is a puzzle! My colleague, Dr. Ivana Tinkle, the distinguished psychologist, has published her groundbreaking theory in the Plumbers’ Journal International, Number Two, on that very topic. She says, and I quote, “The sensitive nature of the olfactory cells in the typical human nasal cavity produced a potent mental aversion to the distinctive aroma of contiguous faecal matter, necessitating an alternative lavatory arrangement.”

MH: So what you are saying is that people got tired of smelling shit?

IC: Precisely so.

MH: Dr. Crapper, how did you come to utilize your expertise in algebra, which after all is a branch of mathematics, to the science of bathroom design?

IC: Naturally, the thought came to me at a conference as I stood for over twenty minutes in a line for the ladies while men dashed in and out of the men’s room without a moment’s hesitation. Then and there I vowed to use my knowledge for the betterment of all women. With this purpose in mind, I established The Foundation for Elimination Equality, but the NAACP got the order of the words mixed up and closed us down.

MH: How unfortunate for you.

IC: Indeed.  However, that temporary set-back led to a new vision: the development of algebraic equations for every aspect of public lavatory usage!

MH: Do tell!

IC: When waiting for a stall in a public john, have you ever debated the reasoning that goes into the ratio of toilets to sinks to towel dispensers?

MH: Mother Hen is a chicken, Dr. Crapper. Chickens don’t…Please, go on. This is so fascinating!

IC: Why, for instance, in a given bathroom, might there be four stalls, two sinks, one hand soap dispenser, and one hand dryer?

MH: Enlighten us.

IC: I haven’t got a clue! The thing is, neither does anyone else!

MH: Indeed!

IC: Until now, the allocation of fixtures was purely arbitrary! My revolutionary proposal is to impose the ratio 1:1:1 to the design! There would be a sink, soap dispenser, and hand drying system for each and every toilet and urinal!

MH: And no one has ever thought of this before? Really!

IC: Well, you see, it took the subtle intricacies of a trained mathematical mind to perceive the simplicity of it all.

MH: Quite. What about the extra cost entailed in installing all these extra do-dads?

IC: That is to be the subject of my upcoming study, “Economical Elimination: What Ever Happened to Pay Toilets?”

MH: Captivating.

IC: Only if the doors don’t reopen! A little professional humor to lighten the load, so to speak!

MH: So sorry, Dr. Crapper! That is all the time we have!

IC: Oh, and we were having such a lovely chat, too!

MH: This has been an interview with Dr. Ina Crapper, and this is Mother Hen’s Nest.

(MH: Someone get Mother’s agent on the phone! Heads are going to roll!  And coming from a chicken, that is no idle threat!)

Fifty Ways to Lose Your Lover

  As a public service to women everywhere (Mother Hen likes to aim high), and on the off chance some guys out there will a) read this and b) care, here are fifty things NOT to do if you want to keep a woman around, beginning with the most obvious…

50. Leave the toilet seat up

49. and don’t flush

48. or wash your hands.

47. Fart in bed.

 46. Tell her she looks fat but

45. her best friend is hot.

 44. Flirt with other women

 43. get their phone numbers

42. then leave them in the pocket of your pants

 41. which you (for once), throw into the dirty clothes basket.

40. Leave your smelly clothes all over the floor

39. especially your dirty underwear

38. then ask why the laundry isn’t done yet.

37. Ask what in the world she does all day

36. when she is at home doing the previously-mentioned laundry

35. cooking your dinner

34. and raising YOUR kids.

33. Go out with the guys all the time.

32. but complain if she wants a night to herself

31. then call her cell every fifteen minutes or so to check up on her.

3o. Never, and this is important, offer to “help” around the house

29. but when you just can’t avoid it any longer, complain

28. and try to get brownie points.

 27. Neglect your personal hygiene.

 26. Watch every sport possible on TSN in every spare moment

25. or play video games all day

24. or look at porn constantly. She’ll really love that.

23. Chat with other women online

22. about sex

21. while you…well, you know. Mother Hen is too delicate a lady to go into details.

20. Put down her family

19. refuse to have anything to do with them

18. and do everything you can to keep her away from them, because after all, they are a bad influence

17. just like her friends.

16. Control every dime she spends

15. of her own money

14. or keep her from having any money in the first place, which is obviously simpler.

13. Call her a stupid

 12. bitch

11. or worse

10. when the kids can hear you.

 9. Drink a lot

 8. do drugs

7. gamble away all your money

6. and her money too.

5. Hit her, especially when she gets uppity,

6. in front of the kids.

 5. Bad mouth her children

4. threaten them

3. and abuse them.

 2. If all else fails, kick her sorry ass out the door, then beg for her to come back

1. yet again.

Silly Mother Hen, acting as if the men of the world need instructions to do these things!

Empty Nest Blues

Dear lady with notebook computerMother Hen,

The day I became a mother was the happiest day of my life. I know it isn’t in fashion now, but my husband and I agreed that I should stay at home with our two boys, and I have never regretted the decision for a minute. I got to see their first steps, their first days of school every year, and all of their at-home games.

Now it is time for another first, and I’m not so thrilled. When our eldest boy decided to work for a year to raise more money for college, I was secretly relieved. I wouldn’t have to part with him just yet.

This fall, both boys have been accepted to schools out-of-state. I am already panicking! The house is going to be so empty and I am going to miss them so much. My whole life has been built around my sons. Now what am I going to do?

Soon-To-Be Early Nester

Dear Early Nester,

Fortunately, Mother Hen knows a thing or two about having an empty nest. Both her chicks flew the coop earlier than expected, and rearranging the straw got old really fast. Here are some thoughts on making the adjustment.

1.  Stay busy!

If you have time on your hands without kids around the house, what about volunteering? Take a class in something that you always thought you would like to try, but never got around to checking out. Pursue a hobby. Join a book club (check at your local library). Attend a place of worship, if you are so inclined, and try some of the activities there. Moms can go back to school too, you know — many colleges and universities offer courses geared to mature students, whether you wanted to pursue a degree or diploma, or just take an unaccredited class. Take up a sport suited to the mature adult: tennis, golf, bowling, or curling are four that come to mind.

2. Pursue romance.

You don’t say whether you have a husband or significant other on the scene. If you do, it is time to focus more on the two of you. Suggest a weekend getaway or a full-fledged holiday, something to look forward to and plan for.

Do some of the above (#1) activities together and find something new in common.

If you are on your own, look into activities for singles, or go places where quality guys hang out (see suggestion #1, and find a new interest).

3.  Take care of yourself.

Join a gym. Try an exercise DVD now that there is no one at home to make fun of you!

Pamper yourself with a facial, manicure, or pedicure at home, or if you can afford it, at a spa. Get a new haircut. Buy some new clothes in a style or color that you usually wouldn’t try. Get a massage and/or chiropractic session.

4.  Make more time for friendships.

My mom belonged to a couple of ladies’ social groups that have became her support network as well as being a lot of fun. The Red Hat Society is one example of a group of women who have banded together for female companionship.

If you don’t know of such a club, maybe you can start one. Typical group activities could include: a book club, attending plays, bus trips, scrap-booking, craft sessions, tours, dinner dates, fundraising activity for charity, weekends away, shopping trips, scavenger hunts, car rallies, festivals and so much more!

5.  Stay in touch with the kids.

Write emails. Use a web-cam. Give your sons pre-paid long distance cards. Send care packages. Make up a photo album for each of them. Create a recipe card file of easy or favorite dishes. Send free ecards. Send regular greeting cards by snail-mail. Make up a first-aid kit. Make lunch dates or meet for coffee.

Hope that something here appeals! The main thing is to realize that this is not simply an ending, but a new beginning as well. An old dog may not be able to learn new tricks, but we wise older hens have ways of out-foxing the empty nest blues!

Problem Child

sad girlDear Mother Hen,

My five-year-old is driving me crazy! Her father says that he wants full custody, and I am seriously considering it. Let him and his skinny little girlfriend deal with her if they can!

I told her on  Monday that she has until Friday to shape up or they can just keep her. Since then she hasn’t exactly been an angel, but she has cooperated some. This morning she brought me her dirty clothes, separated them, and put them in the washer without complaining – for once! She didn’t fold them right though.

She was supposed to dust the living room after lunch, but I found her playing with the cat instead, so she got a time out for goofing off. Next time I turned around she was gone out the door, and she hadn’t even done her whole time out! I had to haul her back from the neighbor’s in front of everyone. She got a spank on the bum for that one, you bet!

Since then she picked up her room okay, I guess, and didn’t make too much of a stink over her bath time. I almost fell over when she volunteered to go to bed early! Like that ever happens!

Thank goodness she goes to kindergarten every other day, or I swear I wouldn’t make it through the week. Watching her all the time is wearing me out! It is only Wednesday and I can’t wait for the weekend.

No man is ever going to look twice at me as long as I have a bratty little kid. Should I just let her dad have her and get on with my life?

Fed-Up Mom


 

Dear Fed-Up Mom,

Raising children takes a lot of energy and time. It is huge commitment, and a 24/7 responsibility. Putting the needs of your child first requires major sacrifice as a parent, and I sincerely question whether you are you are prepared to put your own preferences aside to focus on your daughter full-time.

I am very concerned about your statement, “…she has until Friday to shape up.”

Children need to know that they are loved unconditionally, not only if they do the right thing or have a good day, but when they make mistakes and have bad days. I am willing to bet that well before Friday, she is going to test you to see if you truly care for her or if you will disown her when she misbehaves. I think that you have already answered that question, and unfortunately, the answer is that she had better stay in line or else she is gone. That is not good enough.

Ask yourself, “Am I prepared to provide a secure, consistent and loving home on a daily basis, or would I be a better part-time mom, with time to prepare myself for her visits, and time to myself in between? If I were only required to supervise her some of the time, would I have more patience, and maybe even some fun, with my daughter?”

When children get positive attention, they don’t feel the same need to act out to get negative attention. Try playing with your little girl, so that your time together isn’t always so stressful. Blowing bubbles or going to the playground at the park together, for example, would be enjoyable and relaxing for both of you.

Catch her doing something well or trying hard, and then praise her like crazy. Give a hug or a high-five too! You will be surprised at how much of a difference little things like that can make in your relationship.

If your daughter’s father and his girlfriend are reasonable people who treat her well, and who truly want her in their home, then it may be best if they have primary custody of your little girl. It is important that she not see going to her dad’s place as a punishment though, so stop using that as a threat for bad behavior. Instead, tell her that Daddy wants to spend more time with her, and reassure her that you still want to be part of her life and will see her often. Make sure that you keep that promise, too, because someday when she has children of her own you will be so happy that you did!

Mother Hen