Posts Tagged ‘show’

Animal Jeopardy

Mother Hen luuuvvves Alex Trebek – mostly because he’s Canadian but also because he has been hosting Jeopardy for absolutely forever, and it’s MH’s favorite game show!

There is just one thing missing to make Jeopardy perfect. There is a college version and a celebrity version and a high school version—but where’s the animal version, for heaven’s sake? Mother Hen would be sure to clean up, what with her experience pushing buttons and her legendary mastery of the Internet.

Here are a few suggestions, in case those game show people need a few hints.

Some eggcellent categories might be:

Animals in Literature – e.g. Animal Farm, The Incredible Journey, Black Beauty, Three Little Pigs, Moby Dick

Four-Legged Stars of Film—eg. Lassie, Morris the Cat, Uggie

Herd Sweet Herd—names of animal groupings

Tracks Without Trains—identify animal footprints

Gone But Not Forgotten—extinct animals

Humans and Their Habitats

Fine Feathered Friends—types of birds

Alex, dear, Mother Hen is ready and waiting for your call!

Mother Hen Presents…Alcatraz

Ah- ha! Bet you thought Mother Hen wouldn’t review this one!

For the record, MH has very eclectic taste…which means that she will watch just about anything.

Anyway, Alcatraz is this new TV show which is about the Rock – not the movie actor guy, but the prison that they call the Rock because it is on a rock. It’s not your ordinary, garden-variety kind of rock, like a stone or a pebble, so it doesn’t have itsy-bitsy prisoners or anything, which is a shame.

It’s kind of scary and kind of spooky and it’s made by that fella who came up with Lost, which is a whole nother show, so don’t get them confused, which you might because that big man with the pony-tail is in both.

The whole deal with this prison is that it was supposed to have been shut down ages ago, when Mother Hen was a spring chicken and a bunch of beetles made up this band and…not that that makes MH old or anything. The thing is, all these awfully bad men really just disappeared and everyone was told that the prison was closed in order to cover it up, not like with a blanket, but to fool people.

Now the prisoners are all coming back and here’s the spooky part. Are you ready? They aren’t any older than they were when they went missing. Cool, right? Mother Hen would like to know that trick!

Now a pretty detective and the pony-tail guy and a creepy dude who used to be a guard are trying to track these young/old criminals because they are killing people again, not then but now.

There are lots of prisoners and guards who went missing which means the head honchos of the Alcatraz show are all set ( if this thing is a hit) to keep those nasty men coming for years to come.

Mother Hen gives this show four golden eggs, which means why not watch it. It’s pretty good.

Mother Hen’s Secret Romance

Much as it pains her to admit it, Mother Hen has something to get off of her breast.

Normally, Mother eschews all fads, fanatics, and frenzies in the ardent hope that somehow moderation and good taste will prevail in this world. She has said “ta-ta” to Ga-Ga, “get lost” to Lost, and “Leave it to Bieber” when the dear boy and his cutesy ways make the little girls shriek.

There is now one exception to MH’s diehard rule: she is nutty for Huddy.

Now, MH must confess that she has been a long-time House fan anyway, but not in that cloying, over-the-top, must-see manner with which so many humans approach their favorite programs. No, Mother liked to settle in her nest with a hot drink and dish of corn (occasionally popped) and vicariously suffer no fools gladly along with Dr. Gregory House as much as the next chick, but her evening was not spoiled if company stopped by the coop or the hatchlings weren’t settled on time.

No more! Any critter crazy enough to get between Mother H and her remote on Monday nights is hatchin’ for a scratchin’! Even though House and Cuddy are unfortunately human, now that they are a couple the sparks are going to really fly, and nobody likes a good bonfire more than Mother Hen!

While the sexual innuendo was much less graphic before, and Mother has always found it unmannerly for humans to go around with their feathers off, she can peek through her wing-feathers when necessary and the other hens are none the wiser. The coop does seem to get a little warmer around eight o’clock or so, but that must be MH’s mug of tea hitting her gullet.

The best part is that House is still House, but more vulnerable, and even a little bit happy around the edges. The next best part is that finally there is a love affair on the TV that celebrates a mature couple, which all of us chicks of a certain vintage can appreciate. No, Mother is not claiming that House has suddenly matured – she is not that far gone off her rocker! (Hmmm…a nest with a rocker – what a amazingt idea! MT hopes that she can get a patent online.)

Cudos to Hugh Laurie, who is currently becoming prime-time’s answer to Susan Lucci, and Lisa Edelstein, who gives a restrained but passionate performance, for believably transitioning their characters from the warring House and Cuddy to the fiercely ardent Huddy.  Mother Hen would be remiss not to mention as well the creative genius (a much abused term which is warranted here) of House creator David Shore and his team.  This show has had the courage to confront the usually fatal curse of bringing star-crossed lovers together, and MH believes they have beaten the odds.

So, be fairly warned, do not call, text, knock, or even speak anywhere near Mother Hen on Monday nights between eight and nine o’clock, or you are going to see some feathers fly. MT will be on a hot date with Dr. House, and there will be a do-not-disturb sign on the coop door!

Bathroom Mathematics: The Interview

Bathroom Mathematics:  The Interview

Mother Hen is pleased to have, Dr. Ina Crapper, a foremost authority on applied algebra and bathroomology, as her special guest today.

MH: Welcome to the coop, Dr. Crapper!

IC: Delighted to join you here at Mother Hen’s Nest, I’m sure.

MH: Mother Hen has always been fascinated by the subject of human hygiene. Tell, us, why don’t humans make caca outside like everybody else?

IC: Ah, that is a puzzle! My colleague, Dr. Ivana Tinkle, the distinguished psychologist, has published her groundbreaking theory in the Plumbers’ Journal International, Number Two, on that very topic. She says, and I quote, “The sensitive nature of the olfactory cells in the typical human nasal cavity produced a potent mental aversion to the distinctive aroma of contiguous faecal matter, necessitating an alternative lavatory arrangement.”

MH: So what you are saying is that people got tired of smelling shit?

IC: Precisely so.

MH: Dr. Crapper, how did you come to utilize your expertise in algebra, which after all is a branch of mathematics, to the science of bathroom design?

IC: Naturally, the thought came to me at a conference as I stood for over twenty minutes in a line for the ladies while men dashed in and out of the men’s room without a moment’s hesitation. Then and there I vowed to use my knowledge for the betterment of all women. With this purpose in mind, I established The Foundation for Elimination Equality, but the NAACP got the order of the words mixed up and closed us down.

MH: How unfortunate for you.

IC: Indeed.  However, that temporary set-back led to a new vision: the development of algebraic equations for every aspect of public lavatory usage!

MH: Do tell!

IC: When waiting for a stall in a public john, have you ever debated the reasoning that goes into the ratio of toilets to sinks to towel dispensers?

MH: Mother Hen is a chicken, Dr. Crapper. Chickens don’t…Please, go on. This is so fascinating!

IC: Why, for instance, in a given bathroom, might there be four stalls, two sinks, one hand soap dispenser, and one hand dryer?

MH: Enlighten us.

IC: I haven’t got a clue! The thing is, neither does anyone else!

MH: Indeed!

IC: Until now, the allocation of fixtures was purely arbitrary! My revolutionary proposal is to impose the ratio 1:1:1 to the design! There would be a sink, soap dispenser, and hand drying system for each and every toilet and urinal!

MH: And no one has ever thought of this before? Really!

IC: Well, you see, it took the subtle intricacies of a trained mathematical mind to perceive the simplicity of it all.

MH: Quite. What about the extra cost entailed in installing all these extra do-dads?

IC: That is to be the subject of my upcoming study, “Economical Elimination: What Ever Happened to Pay Toilets?”

MH: Captivating.

IC: Only if the doors don’t reopen! A little professional humor to lighten the load, so to speak!

MH: So sorry, Dr. Crapper! That is all the time we have!

IC: Oh, and we were having such a lovely chat, too!

MH: This has been an interview with Dr. Ina Crapper, and this is Mother Hen’s Nest.

(MH: Someone get Mother’s agent on the phone! Heads are going to roll!  And coming from a chicken, that is no idle threat!)