Cousin Lavinia’s Wedding

Mother Hen needed a few days to recover from the…ahem…excitement of Cousin Lavinia’s wedding reception before she could report back to her loyal readers, whom she is certain have been waiting breathlessly for her account of the festivities.

The bride wore white, which Mother Hen found very reassuring despite the fact that Lavinia and Harry’s three-week-old rooster, Ziggy, was the ringbearer.  In MH’s day, which becomes a progressively faint memory after one of these events, white meant something other than it complimented your feathers, if you know what Mother H. means, and she’s sure you do!

Anyway, Ziggy dropped the pillow with the rings about a half-dozen times (coordination does not run in Harry’s side of the family) and predictably Harry dropped the ring, but only twice. Mother Hen thought at the rate things were going it would become a winter wedding, but everyone made it through in the end.

A fall wedding means corn chowder and pumpkin pie for dinner, and Lavinia did not disappoint. Oh, and there were pumpkins everywhere! Pumpkins on the altar at the chapel, pumpkins holding open the doors, pumpkin-themed table decorations, and even pumpkin-shaped nametags which M H thought was a bit much. After all, everyone knows who Mother Hen is, and those sticky things tend to pull on the feathers.

Naturally Mother H. was up there grooving on the dance floor like it was 1999, and she showed those young folks how the chicken dance is really done! Father Rooster joined her for a rip-roaring polka, which of course had all the young’uns hollering for more. Still, dancing all night is best left to the chicklets, although if you ask Mother Hen, there was more than a little fermented corn syrup fueling the festivities as well!

Well, Mother’s claws and head are still a bit tender from whooping it up on Saturday, so she will bid all her good bloggy friends adieu. She wishes the new Mr. and Mrs. Harry Feathers all the best in their life together, and little Ziggy too!

 

Heading to a Wedding

Oooooh, Mother Hen loves weddings! After all, what’s not to like, there’s romance, drama, suspense, comedy — the whole kitandcaboodle all rolled into one!

What cute memory will the flowergirl make when she goes completely off script?

What will the fashions be for the bride, the bridesmaids, and all the female guests?

How about the four D’s: decorations, dinner, dessert and dancing? Mother Hen loves to dance! She can really cut a rug for a hen of her…station in life.

Who will imbibe a little too much corn syrup and make an interesting spectacle of his or her self?

Mother Hen will report back with complete coverage of second-cousin-once-removed Lavinia’s wedding on the next Mother Hen’s Nest. Stay tuned for all the details!

Mother Hen Presents…The Ides of March

Mother Hen Presents is an occasional series in which Mother Hen reviews stuff that she may or may not have seen, heard or read.

The most important thing that you need to know about this movie is that George Clooney is in it. The next most important thing is that Ryan Gosling is also in it.

Now for all you chicks out there MH probably need not type another word, but since there are roosters and other guys who visit the nest too, she might as well continue.

George Clooney wants to be President, so half the world says let him already. However, there are a lot of men in this film that he has to convince as well, so he needs Phillip Seymour Hoffman (no relation to Dustin) and Gosling to persuade the males that voting for George is like, totally cool.

Paul Giamatti tries to stop them, mostly because he is a jerk, but also because he works for the other guy who wants to be President. He is a bad egg. Mother Hen liked him better when he was John Adams.

So Clooney makes an oops, and it is a pretty big oops, and Gosling finds out and doesn’t like him anymore, which is pretty lousy of him since Ryan baby made a pretty big oopsy himself.

By this time everyone is about up to their necks in poop, so Marisa Tomei, who is a reporter, is having a lot of fun scooping it up for her paper, The New York Rhymes, or something like that. Once it is full of poop, who cares what it’s called? Not Mother Hen. She has plenty of caca at the coop to deal with, thank you very much.

By now, everyone is blackmailing almost everyone else and stabbing them in the back and heads will roll and all that, and that is the part that the men will like a lot. Politics is a dirty, dirty business, which is why MH stays clear of it as much as possible. She does not like getting her feathers mucky.

All Mother Hen cares about is whether George and Ryan live happily ever after, but she can’t tell you if they do because that is what they call a spoiler. Spoiled eggs are bad so that must be a bad thing too.

This has been a Mother Hen Presents presentation.

Mother Hen’s Acceptance Speech

Other than an extra-large popcorn, there are few things in life that Mother Hen enjoys more than accepting awards.

This is a recent discovery, since MH has been nominated for only one award to date, but she could get really used to this. (Hint! Hint!) Mother Hen has proudly (and of course, humbly) accepted the honor of receiving The Versatile Blogger Award from fellow blogger TikkTok, a fowl friend if there ever was one.

One of the rules attached to this prestigious award is the recipient must share seven things about herself. Although usually shy and retiring, Mother H. must dutifully contribute to her readers the following revelations:

1. Mother Hen goes commando. You are aghast perhaps at this startling fact, but panties are a pain in the pinfeathers! Besides, they get in the way of egg production.
2. Mother Hen does not have lips. One well-known rumor about chickens is that they have lips, a false assertion which MH intends to completely and totally set to rest. After all, if she had lips, Mother Hen would absolutely wear lipstick.
3. Mother Hen has no bathroom in the coop. Blame Farmer Brown for this oversight. Mother Hen does.
4. Mother Hen does not have teeth, not even in a glass beside her nest. It saves a lot on dental bills.
5. Mother Hen’s favorite colors are pink, red, blue, green, yellow, purple, orange and mauve. (She loves black too, but black is not a color, or so she has been told.) MH does not believe in discriminating by color.
6. Mother Hen is a chicken, but she is NOT chicken, nor does she play chicken! It is high time these infernal prejudices against the noble name of “chicken” be dropped from the English language!
7. Mother Hen is not the only typing chicken in the world, but she is by far the best! See the following video for evidence.

Accept no substitutes!

Now, Mother Hen would like to thank all the little chickens who made this possible…

Bon Voyage to Mort & Lexi: A Mother Hen Interview

MH: Mother Hen is here at the coop, interviewing travel experts Mort Gander and Lexi Goose, a couple who are preparing for their yearly trip south. Welcome back, Mr. Gander and Ms. Goose!

Lexi: A pleasure as always, Mother Hen.

MH: Where have you been spending your summer?

Lexi: There is a lovely park by the river in London…

MH: London, Ontario, Canada?

Lexi: Well of course, silly. We didn’t fly here all the way from the UK!

MH: Just trying to be clear for our readers.

Lexi: Anyway, it is called Springbank Park. Have you heard of it?

Mort: I didn’t see any bank.

Lexi: It’s over in the plaza, Mort. Anyway, we found a lovely spot under a willow tree…

Mort: About five flaps from the merry-go-round.

Lexi: Mort is fascinated by the merry-go-round.

Mort: It goes around and around and around, and a lady named Merry runs it.

MH: What is involved in getting ready for your big expedition?

Lexi: Well, we log a lot of air time strengthening our wings and practicing our V-shaped flying.

Mort: and we eat like pigs.

Lexi: What Mort means is that we do alter our caloric input in order to provide energy for our strenuous journey south.

Mort: and we eat like pigs.

MH: It must be very difficult to fly in V-formation with only the two of you.

Lexi: We do have to trade off positions more often, obviously.

Mort: We cheat.

Lexi: Mort, we do not “cheat,” for heaven’s sake! We have merely adapted our great tradition to meet our particular needs.

Mort: She means we cheat. A lot.

MH: How exactly do you plan your itinerary?

Mort: Our whatsit?

Lexi: We do like to take the scenic route whenever possible. Last year we found the cutest little B& B in a pond run by a Mallard duck.

Mort: And we hit all the McDonald’s. And Burger-Kings. And White Castles. Don’t forget those.

Lexi: Mort has an unfortunate addiction to fast food.

Mort: Ya, we have to move fast or we’ll be food. Ha!

MH: Hilarious. Are you heading back to Marry-land this year?

Lexi: Of course! Our honey-moon destination! It’s so romantic.

Mort: We don’t have to get married again, do we?

Lexi: Why? Wouldn’t you do it all over again, dear?

Mort: Um…let me think about that.

This concludes Mother Hen’s interview with…ahem… devoted couple and avid tourists Mort Gander and Lexi Goose.

Postscript: Postscript: This is Mother Hen’s close friend, Jodi. Springbank Park in London is home to what seems like a million geese in the summer. There is a merry-go-round in the park  but to the best of our knowledge it is not operated by anyone named Merry.

Mother Hen Goes to the Fair

Mother Hen has always maintained that the only intelligent way for a chicken to cross the road is in a truck, as God intended. Therefore when Farmer Brown decided to take Mother Hen to the Squawkalot County Fair, he did the sensible thing and did not ask her to walk. She traveled quite comfortably in a crate in the back of his pick-up, thank you very much.

All the other animals at the farm wanted to hear about what MH experienced, so she typed up the following notes.

Day 1

Settled nicely into straw at the bottom of crate. Pick-up is much more bumpy than it looks. Almost lost breakfast.

Fair is NOISY! Machines everywhere, spinning and tumbling and twisting enough to make you dizzy. Some make grinding sounds, others whir and all of them scream! True — every last one shrieks like Mrs. Farmer Brown that time she saw harmless little garter snake.

So many people feet!  Shoes that walked and garbage and gum and popcorn that MH could not reach, right in front of beak. Crate loaded onto metal platform with wheels, and went to Fair Barn. Little bit quieter here. Smells like farm.

Day 2

Bad night with hens cackling in sleep and pig on left snores. Friendly sheep on rope said there are prizes for best animals. Mother Hen hopes best chicken gets a 60” flatscreen as she could use new TV. Corn is okay here but no cola for MH. Guess Farmer B doesn’t want her to belch at judges.

Wait for judges. Wait some more for judges. See judges at snoring pig’s pen so preen. Wrong judges. Snooze while waiting for judges. Wake up to see red ribbon on crate!!! Can’t wait to see prize.

Hay, it says Biggest Chicken, 1^st Prize! Not prettiest, or fanciest or best typist but Biggest! Must mean fluffiest in people-speak.

Hog next door has white ribbon. Ha, bet red is better than white!

Still haven’t seen prize. Must be saving it for home time.

Day 3

Back on rolling platform.  Oh good, going for  ride to see the sights!

No sights. No people. Still lots and lots of wrappers and sticky sticks and, hey, a cola can. Stop!

Dumb farmer doesn’t stop.

What! Back on the pickup? Where’s prize? Stupid farmer forgot MH’s prize!

Cough on dust. Eyes runny so closed. Straw stinks.

Back at farm all admire red ribbon. Mother Hen thinks will look nice on hat.

Think Farmer Brown stole 60″ TV. Take up with union.

Minutes of the Coop Improvement Association (CIA) Meeting

Coop Improvement Association (CIA)
Minutes				Today	9:00 AM			Farmer Brown’s Barnyard
Meeting called by		Henny Penny
Type of meeting		Hen Session
Facilitator		Chickie Feathers
Note taker		Mother Hen
Egg Timer		Zelda Cluck
Attendees		Everyone Else
Agenda topics
10  Minutes				Sky Falling				Henny Penny
Discussion	Ms. Feathers notes that the sky is still in the same place as yesterday. Ms.
Penny describes again her vision of the heavens collapsing, crushing all chickens underneath. Ms. Penny moves to
construct underground shelters . Seconded by Ms. Scraper. Ms. Feathers says chickens are not rabbits.
Conclusions	Motion defeated. Motion made by Ms. Hen that a committee be struck to explore the
feasibility of scratching out a burrow or two, to be chaired by Ms. Penny, and consisting of Ms. Scraper, Elly
Egglayer and Bridie Bird. Seconded by Ms. Penny. Motion carried.
Action items						Person responsible			Deadline
Inquiries to be made as to hiring BUDS Bunnies Excavation Inc.						Susie Scraper			Whenever
Weather patterns to be charted						Bridie Bird			Soon
10 minutes				Egg Production				Elly Egglayer
Discussion	Ms. Egglayer relays her concerns that egg production rates are way down from the
previous summer. Corneilia  Chickenwire challenges Ms. Egglayer’s statistics, claiming that in her coop egglaying is
up 21 %. Kerfuffle ensues. Mother Hen moves that new statistics be compiled, seconded by Ms. Chickenwire.
Conclusions	Motion carried. Committee struck to track and record egg production, chaired
by Mother Hen to include Ms. Egglayer and Ms. Chickenwire. Motion passes, and condolences go to Ms. Hen.
Ms. Penny suggests that Mrs. Farmer Brown may have accurate numbers, but she is squawked down.
Action items						Person responsible			Deadline
Check with Mrs. Brown anyway						Henny Penny			Right Away
Egg production to be charted						Corneilia Chickenwire			Next Meeting
10 minutes			CaCA Removal				Mother Hen
Discussion	Ms. Hen claims that the coop area stinks, particularly the coop of a newlywed
chick who does not understand the rules of caca management. JoJo Jumper objects to this insinuation,
suggesting that the caca of hens of a certain vintage stink more than that of youthful chickens. Bedlam ensues.
Conclusions	Ms. Penny restores order, and moves that a committee be struck
to promote coop maintenance and hygiene. Seconded by Ms. Hen, who offers to chair said committee.
Ms. Jumper objects.  Motion passed anyway.
Action items						Person responsible			Deadline
Post rules of coop maintenance						Mother Hen			ASAP
Post rules for caca removal						Mother Hen			Ditto
1 minute				motion to adjourn			JoJo Jumper
Discussion	Ms. Jumper makes a motion to adjourn, or at least “end this crappy meeting.”
Zelda Cluck is tired of turning the egg timer, so she seconds the motion.  Motioned passed, Ms. Hen abstains
because she wants to talk more. Motion passed.  Someone wakes up Ms. Feathers and the meeting is adjourned.

Mother Hen Has a Conniption

Mother Hen is a very patient, calm and collected chicken. Usually.

However, even the patience of Ms. Hen can be tried beyond all endurance. It’s hard to imagine, but it’s true.

For several weeks now Father Rooster has insisted on speaking that four-letter “F” word: Fall. Worse, he persists in using it in the present tense. Annoying, you say, but not terminally so. Many have made similar errors and survived.

Next, the goldenrod bloomed. But was that enough for him?

No, he had to go on about the air cooling, the mums flowering and the sumac turning just an eentsy-teensy bit crimson.

By that time, the swear jar was almost completely full.

Next, the chicklets, Missy Hen and Junior Rooster chimed in about back-to-school sales,worn out backpacks and new jackets. Mother Hen still kept her composure. After all, they are young and don’t know any better.

The other day, though, she lost it. Feathers flew, squawks were squawked and the coop cleared in record time. “Why?” you ask.

MH was innocently watching one of her favorite shows, Let’s Lay an Egg, when a new advertisement aired. Mother H. could not believe her beady little eyes. This was not a back-to-school sale, or an enticing view of new Autumn garb, oh no – this was a Fall Clearance Sale!!!!

It was all their fault! The other clueless members of the Coop Family brought on this atrocity!

They couldn’t keep their beaks closed about F-A-L-L; no, they didn’t even spell it out like any cautious, civilized chicken would do. Mother Hen was so beside herself she could swear she saw herself run screaming out the door!

After all, everyone knows that after F-A-L-L  comes W-I-N-T-E-R, and after W-I-N-T-E-R comes that other four-lettered “s” word, S-N-O-W!!!!

Mother Hen is going to need a second swear jar. At this rate, she may need one just for herself.

Mother Hen Presents…Modern Family

An occasional series in which Mother Hen reviews stuff that she may or may not have seen, heard or read.

Okay, so here’s the deal: there is this family, only it is three families who are really one family. Did Mother Hen mention that this thing is a television show?

First, there is this dad who is married to this sexy Columbian chick and they have a son who is not his son. Who is the real dad of this kid? Nobody knows except Jerry Springer, and he is too busy not being a TV host to talk to Mother Hen right now.

Anyway, this kid Manny is played by a man who looks like a kid but is actually a little person — that is why his name is “Man-ny.” Get it? MH doesn’t either. Wait until the dad who isn’t the dad figures out that he is raising a kid who isn’t a kid. Now that will be one heck of an interesting episode!

Secondly, there is a family named the Dumbfies who have both a mom and a dad and three kids, none of whom are played by little people as far as Mother Hen knows which in this case is not very far.  The mom is the daughter of the dad. No, not this dad, that other dad. This is not a porno, people! It is a modern family show.

The three kids are a teenager chick, a brainiac and a brat, none of whom have super-powers. Since they are the Dumbfies, the parents aren’t as bright as their kids, which is a problem most of the time.

Thirdly, there is a Vietnamese baby girl with two daddies, neither of whom is Vietnamese. How this kid got born is anybody’s guess. One of these dads is uptight and the other is gay. The uptight guy is the son of the dad who is married to the Columbian babe but she is not his mother. It’s complicated.

The critics love this show, and since Mother Hen is a natural critic (all her own modern family tell her so), she loves it too.

She wonders though whether the dark-haired Columbian chick knows that she is not the mother of the blonde mom or the red-headed uptight dad and thus not the grandmother of the four grandchildren, because if not, she will be awfully mad when she does find out. She has a temper problem, so look out for fireworks when she figures it out, which will probably happen on July 4^th one of these years.

One of the best things about this show is how normal one feels after watching it. Even your family may seem relative-ly okay!

(This has been a Mother Hen Presents…presentation.)